on the edge

realized this

2010-03-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

Thinking and thinking...realized this about my alcoholism:

I was in recovery for 3 yrs. I relapsed, still trying to figure out how to get back to sobriety. There are so many reasons I drink.

Sobriety was absolutely amazing. I was still depressed, but physically I felt better. I felt better about myself.

Gradually, I started thinking about never drinking again. How could I possibly NEVER drink again?

I was addicted to sobriety. Sobriety was my alcohol for those three years. When I didn't feel that anymore, I went back to a drinking.

It took me at least a year before to commit myself to rehab. I have to consider what's available now, without insurance and more on the line.

Is it nagging...really?

2009-05-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

5 baskets of laundry for $23.00 at the laundrymat.
By myself, after gathering and sorting, I haul all baskets to car, out of car into laundrymat, wash/dry/fold, haul from laundrymat to car and from car back into house, and then put away. Perhaps it annoys me a little that most of the laundry belongs to children and boyfriend. It's not the part that bothers me the most, however.

I set up a pile/basket of whites and colors in our dirty laundry area. As I'm arranging I am thinking it's going to save me time and it's obvious. To my disappointment, it wasn't either. Within the first hour of putting in the work of doing laundry I find colors in the whites and whites in the colors...not to mention the clothes that are just thrown on the floor in any given room.

I believe that everyone has a certain amount of patience stored in their reservoir of character. I'm running a little low right now. If I see one more white sock or t-shirt in the colors pile or one more pair of jeans in the whites pile I might just snap. I have explained with frustration to everyone in the household that there are 2 piles, sorted by color. I tell each and everyone of them, "It's not rocket science. Your dirty whites go in the dirty whites pile and your dirty colors go in the dirty colors pile."

I know for a fact that no one in this household is that stupid. I'm ignored until they need clean clothes. I'm the nagger, the bad guy, a spaz as my son puts it.

My problem here: The piles are right next to each other, it's really not difficult to position your throwing arm 25 degrees left or right to get it in the right pile. No one in the household is color blind.

It doesn't stop at laundry either. Putting garbage IN the garbage can and RINSING dishes after use or two other pains in my ass that I just can't ask nicely about anymore. I even call my children to view the garbage on the floor inches away from the garbage or the un-rinsed dishes in the sink/on the counter. They look at me like I'M crazy.

I am actually surprised by the whole thing. Really??? Wow, it just sucks for everyone involved.

not working

2009-04-07T18:44:00.000-07:00

I thought I was over the lay-off, but an emotional and mental residue remains at times.

I'm still angry over the fact that I actually wanted to be at the job every day, but I knew other people didn't. Other people who surfed the net, had time to complete surveys and shop online while at work, always complained about the job, told me that he/she will do what people asked of them 'when he/she had time', did other jobs while at the job (literally) etc... Seriously? Am I the only one who knew this? Doubt it. So...WTF?
I'm disappointed that I put all of me into this job for 3 years and got absolutely nothing back. It was only about what you weren't doing right. They are in a PANIC...lay off as many people as you possibly can phase. Maybe a great move temporarily...but, of course, not productive in the long run. I try not to take it personally. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, my work ethic is a big part of me. I will go on, finish school and find another job. Not too often in a person's life do you love the job or it's people. I am lucky to have experienced both, just not together. As I ponder, I realize that I am fortunate to have what I have left after losing most everything I knew, not more than a year ago, literally. I lost my house, 2 jobs, my ex, my sobriety, and friends. The only constant in my life is the family. That's all that matters in the end anyway. I am itching for something more and I can't wait to go back to school, buy a house with a new love, and start anew. The kids are doing awsome, getting good grades and most importantly are happy:) What doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger. It's not a myth.

and life...

2009-03-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

Hey, I can't complain. I got laid off a week ago Friday. They told me it was the economy and that I had the least seniority. I have been through the hurt, the anger, feelings of betrayal, and now I'm in a place of acceptance. I'm determined to finish school. I loved the job because it was comfortable. I had the privelege of talking to all types of people daily, yet getting my down time to do paperwork. I thought it was perfect. I realize now that it wasn't. If I'm not challenged and learning new things, I'm just getting by. I have to learn and be challenged to be truely happy. That is the reason I have taken the path in life that I have, with the people that I have. It's the reason I am who I am today, with no regret. So, I'm thankful. I get to start a new challenge in my life. I'm in a great place right now with my kids, my relationships, my determination, motivation etc... GOD...greatful is good:) And just for the record, my use of GOD is in no way referring to a certain religion. Higher Power just doesn't fit in the sentence. My God is different than his, hers, and the other. I have what I have, feel what I feel, and do what I do. In no way do I wish I was someone else. I lost my house, my ex, my job(s), and everything I knew less than one year ago. I've been closer to death than ever in my life, yet, I'm happier than I've ever been. I just can't complain. Life is good. Seriously though, some people should not be sticking other people with needles:)

some people...

2009-03-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

Some people, as my experience has re-enforced today, should not be sticking other people with needles.
If you work in the health care industry, especially in a lab taking blood, and cannot finger poke someone without fucking up, you should definitely not me sticking anyone with a needle.
It's always the same person, always asking for my right hand. I know who you are. I'm not a mean person, but seriously, it's not good and I'm just tired of being nice about it. Two weeks in a row now, a finger poke (no matter how insignificant it may be) should not be this painful. I shouldn't have a fucking cut on my finger!!! I gave birth to two children, I really do know pain. The fact is that going to lab to get a finger poke should just not piss me off this much!!!! I've been through 4 band aids since 9am. This is not normal. I had blood on my debit card because it's a cut, not a poke like it should be. 4 band aids to keep my blood off laundry, door handles, etc...Shit...if you want, I'll give you a drop of blood! Just don't fuck up my shit!! Sorry, had to vent because it really is an issue with me. I go weekly. I know what it should be. This isn't it. No more Monday's at 9:00am.

Whole lotta new

2009-01-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

I just read my last blog. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I stuck with the break-up with Larry. I have a new boyfriend, whom I completely adore. He's a mixture of the 3 men that I have loved in my life with the bonus of trustworthiness and sacrifice. It's been over 6 months but of course we've had our issues. I don't even know where to start.
After I broke up with L. I lost my house. I moved in with the new boyfriend, kids and all. It's a 1 bedroom house, not a lot of room for 4, but we make it work. He's great with the kids and I completely trust him. They, in turn, trust and RESPECT him. Everything else except for my health has been wonderful.

I ended up in the hospital at the beginning of Dec. I had a blood clot in each lung, which easily could have been fatal had I not gone in when I did. I was in so much pain and couldn't breathe so I don't know how I could have waited any longer. I stayed there for a almost a week and was out of work for two weeks, which in hindsight was the best thing for me. There were many reasons I had the clots. First and foremost, I smoke. You know they blame everything on smoking, so it came as no surprise. I know it had at least a little to do with it, however, I'm pretty sure the pregnancy is what caused it. YES, you are reading this correctly. I found out about 2-3 weeks prior that I was pregnant. Terry and I were trying to figure everything out when the health problem arose but of course I was a little excited at the thought of having another child, especially with Terry. Unfortunately, the health issues created a problem for me. Either way, having or not having the baby there were risks. Long story long enough, we chose to abort due to this issue. It was a tough decision. We decided, with much support, that my health was first. The abortion is over. There is no going back. I have some regret but I refuse to beat myself up about it. It is a touchy subject, but I am comfortable with our decision, as it was truly ours. To be honest, I really don't care who knows about it. I believe and have always believed in Pro-Choice and being faced with the decision, I now realize that at a young age I realized my values and I still believe in them. I'm still me.
Anyway, besides all this, L. has adjusted and has been decent. He really is a good person. I know everything happens for a reason. I hope that in the end, in whatever afterlife there is, I will know what those reasons are. We can only guess at these things. Imagine how boring life would be if we knew everything though?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Have a wonderful evening. Wishing whoever reads this a healthy and happy 2009.

Break-up Follow-up

2008-06-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

One word: crazy. That's it just fuckin crazy.

13 years, lotsa love, lotsa hate = CRAZY

idk. I love him, can't live with him, can live without him, at least I think I can, he won't leave me alone long enough to know.

He loves me, I really believe he feels that way. I've seen him cry once in 13 years up until 3 weeks ago, and now I've seen and heard him cry multiple times. What hurts the most, when he says "I just want my family back". Kills me. Absolutely, physically, breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart that he hurts. It breaks my heart to stay. This sucks, not as sweet as I thought it would be.

I don't wanna be the cold-hearted baby-mama, doing everything possible to hurt him. I just wanna chance at life, at something else: a future with a partner whose there for me, really there for me. No conditions: we live together, we die together. My problems are yours and yours are mine. If I'm losing the roof over my head, so are you. That's what I'm talking about. Fuck all the other bullshit.

That's something L. can't give me. He says, now, that he can. But I know, he isn't capable of that kind of sacrifice. His nickname back home was SOLO. He is truly solo.

I know that no one can love me like L does. I just know that. I also know that life will never be what I want with him. There is my dilemma: love... no responsibility...Responsibily, maybe not that type of love. Hm. It's a tough one. What would you choose? I shouldn't have to choose. That's where I get angry. They go together. That's what I'm looking for. Step the fuck up. Too late for L. Gave him 13 years worth of chances, what I have to offer, everything. I apologize when I do wrong. I've given him all I've got. I can't give anymore. I just can't.

I feel fucking guilty. This sucks. I hope this guilty feeling goes away sooner than later. The last time I had to break up with someone it was because he almost killed me. That was a lot easier.

Anyway...so the saga continues...

J

I finally did it!

2008-05-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

I finally broke it off with L. Seriously this time, we are through and he knows it! Woot Woot! Of course the first week was pretty rough, with L. constantly asking me the same questions over and over, "Don't you love me anymore?" and "So we're not together?" How frustrating to have to reapeat myself, especially with words that are so harsh, saying them to someone I've been with for so long and that I do truly care about. I am stronger than ever though, not backing down, standing my ground. We are not together and we are seeing other people and no, there isn't anyway to work it out. Been there, done that, it doesn't work. It is time to move on for my kids and myself. It's amazing how calm and relaxed I feel these days. I keep thinking it's depression, but really I'm not feeling depressed. It's odd.
Of course, he has tried to hurt me. He isn't going to pay me anymore on his own. He said he's going to move his ex-wife in with him. He also said that he's going to sign away his rights to the kids (which did hurt). He found out, however, that he can do that but it doesn't relieve him of his financial responsibility, he'd still have to pay child support. So, I'm waiting for the paperwork in the mail and going to go forward. I'm probably going to have to move out of my house and get an apartment, but I'm looking forward to a new start.
I'm seeing someone else now. Trying to take it slow, at least I am. lol. He's a nice guy and hopefully he stays that way, you just never know. I like him though, so that's a start. The next year or so should be interesting. I'm excited to start anew, yet afraid at the same time.

My Friday

2008-04-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

This may be a shocker to some of you, not so much to others...my story about Friday
Come Friday morning I can't find my cell phone. I was absolutely lost without it, looking everywhere cause this phone is my lifeline, seriously. It's my only phone as I don't have a landline. Without it I feel vulnerable. Anyway, I remember having it the night before, in the car, going through the BK drive-thru. I didn't get out of the car until I got home so I know it couldn't be far. I'm trying to get ready for work Friday morning but all I can think about is this phone 'where is it?', 'where could it possibly walk off to?' I finally have to give up cause I have to leave for work. Larry was here that morning and said that he and Jarod (my son who was home sick from school) would find it. I didn't think anything of his statement, once in a while he can be helpful. I remember looking in the plastic bag that he had some of his stuff in for the phone, not to be found. I went in there to use his phone which I realize didn't work because he has a pre-pay and no minutes. I put his phone back and left for work.
First clue something was up: I NEVER turn my cell phone off. When you called it Friday morning it went straight to VM. Either it was dead or off, pretty sure it wasn't dead; I remember it had a good charge yet. I called again maybe 10 min later and wualla! it was on; no answer, ring, ring, ring and goes to VM. I know now that someone has it. At this point I still wasn't convinced Larry had it. I thought perhaps I dropped it outside and someone picked it up. I texted myself, from a friends phone, asking to please return it. No response.
Finally I get a call around 9:30a at work from Larry. He tells me that he found my phone in his plastic bag; said that he accidentally put it in there. He wasn't sure how that happend he continues to tell me.
NOW...it is all starting to make sense. I looked in that plastic bag so I know he lied. He always turns his phone off when he's not using it. He would have turned it off so I didn't find the phone when my alarm went off the next morning. My son tells me it was probably in his jacket pocket. Damn it, the one place in this house I didn't look was in his jacket pockets! I knew he was out of minutes so if he needed to make/receive calls he would have wanted to use mine. It was still out of character for him, mostly anyway to pull this type of thievery. But I knew he had done this sort of thing in the past and it just wasn't impossible. I know the deal now.
Oh that's not all... This is the funny, Karma's gonna kick you in the ass right away part!!! Unbeknownst to Larry, when you turn my phone off and back on, it is locked. HAHAHAHA! That dumb mother f*****! He has no clue what my code is so all that work, all the thought he put into his plan was for nothing. The phone would ring, but he couldn't answer it. He couldn't make any calls.
I got home but didn't say anything; I wanted to see where his head was first. He was PISSED! The plan prior to this was for him to stay over cause I had to work at 5am. He didn't even consider that at this point - he was getting his boots on to walk home cause he was so mad. We argued a little about money (that's a whole different blog) he orders me to give him the s off my phone that have been calling because he was expecting a call from the VA. I tell him that all the calls are mine and to fuck off. He leaves.
Moral of the story. If you want something as simple as to use a person's phone...just ask.
My comments to Larry will be something along these line (more in depth I'm sure): For real, Larry, you could have asked like a normal person would. Instead, you decide to try and trick me, deceive me. I'm done. I'm walking away, cutting the cord as a friend puts it. If you really love someone you don't pull stunts like this, you don't treat them like this. You have finally crossed that line that lets me be okay without you. I will be okay without you.

Whackly's Vernacular

2008-04-16T05:03:00.001-07:00

In response to Whacly's idea - posting phrases, I'm posting this quote that I'm pretty sure I made up. I've never seen or heard it anywhere so I'm going to assume I did for the sake of laziness; not wanting to look it up:)

"The question is not whether you can steal my heart or not; What are you going to do with it once you've got it?"

self destruction

2008-02-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

All this time I'm afraid of being hurt by other people when really I should be afraid of myself. It's funny how we do things without knowing what we're doing all the while thinking we are right. Maybe I am crazy, or psycho. I don't know. I've always thought I was pretty good about admitting when I was wrong and changing the wrong behavior, but now I realize I'm not as well rounded as I thought I was. It sucks to admit wrongdoing, in action or in words. Anyway, I did apologize, but not without the attitude. wtf. I can't figure out why I am so angry. I'm angry at the world right now at this very moment. Actually, I think I'm angry at myself, just taking it out on those unfortunate enough to be in my world.

I'm hurt, but it comes out as anger, a way to protect myself; how I have always protected myself. Now that I don't drink, I don't know how to handle the hurt I feel inside from many years of self destruction. I think I love myself, but why then do I question if I do? If I don't love myself, how can I love anyone else like they deserve to be loved? Why do I want things I can't have, knowing I can't have them? Is it a challenge to me? Is it security knowing that I will only get so far and then have an excuse to give up? These are the questions that I am asking myself. I thought I knew the answers, but obviously I don't.

I'm probably being a little too hard on myself. Maybe not hard enough? I'm a short-term thinker. I want now what I can get now. My patience has been ripped from me over the years, the alcohol abuse, the kids, Larry. I don't have any patience left. I'm tired of waiting.

I think I'm gonna go eat something and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. All I can do is give life a try again tomorrow.

Later

been a while

2008-01-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

Hey been a while, over a month. I know I'm not missed. Maybe I miss myself ever thought about that? Anyway this can be an outlet, might as well use it.

Nothing new, actually a lot new, just to graphic and slutty to reveal details. Been seeing a couple of people. Neither are the best but hey gotta start somewhere, figure out what I want, what I'm looking for. Maybe I will wake up one day and realize what I got ain't so bad. Ok....so that probably won't happen but I'm hoping some clarity will come. Still seeing the one guy I posted about before. Not very often, don't talk a lot and hadn't seen him for over a couple months til last night. Nice to see him, talk to him, but yeah still not compatible in bed. So that's really a lose-lose situation. He's selfish, obviously not in it cause he 'likes' me. Oh well, I really don't give a shit anymore about him.
Seeing someone else. Very complicated. He's not really available. But we are attracted to each other, not only physically but, in all areas. Just can't help ourselves. He's smart and just seems we are on the same level in life. He's my age, that's different. I've never been with someone my age before, except highschool/college. Anyway I like him. Not a long term physical relationship, but I can definitely see him being a very good friend for a very long time. The kind of friend that is true, will be there for you, in thick and thin, got your back. That's a plus. Maybe that's all I'm looking for right now. Anyway gotta go, running some errands. Have a great week, month etc....
I'm happy. As crazy as it is, I am a happy person right now. Broke, confused, lonely, but damn fuckin happy

more...

2007-12-01T19:19:00.000-08:00

My fortune cookie says:

You will bring mystical sensitivity to what's around you.

According to Webster -

Mystical: having a spiritual meaning or reality that is neither apparent to the senses nor obvious to the intelligence

Sensitivity: the capacity of being easily hurt; awareness of the needs and emotions of others

Seems to be a theme right now in my life, ultra sensitive to everything around me, sometimes bringing me joy and other times pain. I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. What fun is it to have this type of personality and not put it to good use? There's not a lot to do with it though. It just is. I've always been that way but until recently I've never been able to pin it down. Now all of the sudden, in my Kiersey temperament results and now in a fortune cookie of all things, the theme surfaces. I hope it stops there though. I couldn't handle any sort of esp or premonitions etc... That would freak me out.

just me

2007-11-24T14:01:00.000-08:00

The Portait of the Counselor (INFJ)

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

words

2007-11-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

In light of recent events, I have come to a conclusion that there really isn't conclusion at all, in anything.
Just when you think something has concluded, meaning there is closure, it hasn't. One word reason: Emotions. Shit Fuck Damn. Emotions. I was so sure tonight when my 'friend' came over I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to tell him to take a hike. Oh, and I was sooooo ready to. I was almost crying before he got here thinking about the conclusion: not seeing him again. But then, you guessed it, none of that happened. I was my typical self, joking but serious as hell. I responded to a few things in the VM he left me last weekend which would take me forever to go over. It wasn't nice, trust. He took it surprisingly well. Everything I said he took surprisingly well. Shit Fuck Damn, again. WTF. Either be an ass or not. Don't just kinda be an ass. That's not fair. My responses to his vm: I don't sleep with my 'basic friends', if you say your going to do something, fuckin do it, and if plans change let a girl know - don't stand people, me, up. Yes, I know, he's playin my ass. I guess, if he can follow the rules above, then, I don't have a problem with it. I like his company once in a while. I'm very attracted to him (God he smells good). He's getting better in the sack, more attentive to what I need. My emotions are going to get in the way, I just know it. So to conclude the rant cause I want to go to sleep, Shit Fuck Damn emotions always gotta fuck up shit. If you see an end in sight, you are hallucinating, seek medical help immediately. Good Night.

Song

2007-10-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Last night after a 2:30am visit, of course high as fuck, he pukes all over my daughter's bed. He hasn't cleaned it up. I don't even know how to write the sounds coming from my head right now.

On a lighter note, I like this song. Don't hate. It's the lyrics:

Bet you thought that i'd be broken
Mascara streaking down my cheek
Devastated, out the door way.
In a daze, a state of disbelief
I bet you'd like that seeing me get mad
but baby i wont satisfy your needs
cuz i've already been there, done that
I'll be fine even if you leave

Ohh i dont need you anymore
Ohh and dont you know that..

You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence

yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you, Boy im thankin you

Thinking back on how you changed me
everytime you tried to put me down
and even though it really hurt me
Strong Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com
underneath, myself is what i found
so take a look inside these eyes now
and say the things you want to say to me
cuz i've already spread my wings out
and your the one. the one who set me free

Ohh i dont need you anyone
Ohh and dont you know that..

You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence

yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you,

For all the tears i cried
for all the sacrafice
for all the drama
cuz in the end it made me stronger
so trust me ill be fine
baby ill survive
and i want you to know

that you
were the one that broke my heart
but i wont fall apart
no.. im so moving on
and babyyy

You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence

yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you, Boy im thankin you

Jordyn Taylor - Strong

parenthood

2007-09-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

I really don't like being a mother. It's probably the worst role that I have. The constant fighting between my kids is driving me absolutely fucking bonkers. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY FUCKING MORE!!!!!! Everything would be just fine if they would stop fighting. GOD DAMN IT!!! And they don't fucking listen. I hate yelling but sometimes I have to just to get their attention. I really hope they "get it" soon. Stop fucking fighting, telling on each other. I don't give a shit who did what first. Just knock it off I tell them. I didn't see who did what first, I don't care. Just stop. Then they cry and whine about how I don't care bla, bla, bla. Every fucking day. God when will this end? Ever?

Don't get me wrong. Just cause I don't like being a mother doesn't mean I don't love my kids. I do. I love them dearly and would give my life in a hearbeat to save theirs. Honestly, I just don't like them all of the time.

Does this make me a bad Mom? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

If it's not one thing, it's another

2007-08-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

So I have been absent for a while. I was having financial problems and decided to go without the internet for a while, cut down on some costs. It was fine. I did miss reading up on news, checking my email and bank information, etc.... Other than that it didn't affect me much.

A lot has happened in the past month. First, I got in trouble at work. Not really trouble, but I got talked to. I have never been 'talked to' at work for any reason other than being absent a day and having to go through the warning system on that. I've always been a good worker. Reliable, steady, and to my knowledge thorough. So I've been very tired lately, the past few months. I will explain later why and it will all fit together. I have a bad day because I was so behind at work, having a hard time focusing. I get called into the boss' office and she proceeds to tell me that I have looked tired lately and that she has actually seen me fall asleep at my desk. She said that one day to came and asked me if I was okay. I said I was and proceeded to walk out the door like I was leaving. According to her I didn't come back for an hour and I walked out after I had already been on lunch that day. Now, I don't remember this incident at all. I actually don't believe I did that, especially not have any recollection of it at all. So taken back by the whole situation she continues on and tells me that she noticed me falling asleep on several occasions and that it was affecting my work. What the hell? She tells me this after 3 months or so. She just lets it go and lets me look like a fool (if in fact what she says is true, which I'm having a hard time believing) for months before saying anything? I asked her why she didn't say something sooner and she really didn't have an answer. Ok, so I get over that within a couple of days. Ok, whatever, I thought. Who gives a shit. I'll just watch my Ps and Qs from now on and ignore the bullshit she speaks of. So I get past that and the next week I start to feel sick. I'm getting crampy and have some other female issues I don't care to put in writing at the moment. I'm thinking my period is going to start, but it doesn't. Fuck. What now? So I let it go a while to see if 'this too shall pass'. It doesn't, the pain is getting worse. By the end of that week I could hardly walk. It took everything in me to get from point A to point B. Exhausted by the time I got home all I could do was sleep. All evening, off and on and then all night til morning. I'd wake up and do it all over again. So I finally call the Dr., make an appointment. I go in and go through the never enjoyable female check up. I had some blood drawn, urine collected and all the normal stuff. After 2 1/2 hours at the clinic, most of the test results came back normal / fine. I talk to the doctor again and she tells me she thinks it is PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease). At this point I'm thinking 'OK, ....." She tells me that that is usually caused by Chlamydia or Gonorrhea. WTF! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I haven't been with anyone else besides Larry for the past 9 years. She told me not to jump to that conclusion, that she thought it was that, and to wait for the test results to come back in a couple days to confront Larry. OK, so that I did, all the mean while getting pissed off that this was happening to me. I'm thinking of all the possibilities, and of all the choice words I will use if the tests come back positive. So I try not to obsess, of course that was impossible. I get a call from the clinic at work the next day and she tells me over the phone the test results were positive for Chlamydia. I was so outraged, I didn't even have words. No tears, no words, just thoughts rolling through the brain. Eventually (a day or so later) it reality hit, that Larry really had cheated on me. No speculation. He really had. THAT MUTHERFU**ER!!!!! I didn't go off on him, just tried to get him to admit it. It took three days and he finally admitted he cheated. I proceeded to ask him all the normal questions, although none of it helped. I was still in shock, still am to be honest. I really don't know how to feel. There are too many feelings for me to really feel any one with any force. I'm still stuck there. What feelings you ask? Anger, hurt, rejected, relieved, happy, revenge, guilty, worthless. Those are the ones I can think of right now. I have decided to move on. I told him that but he is acting as if nothing ever happened. Ok so he wants to be stupid that's fine. I'll play along. I will be looking and I will not feel guilty about any actions I take from this point forward. No guilt, no shame. I am free. Thank God. I think.
Anyway so while all of this is going on my car dies on hwy 15 during rush hr. Great times! Turns out that the timing belt went out, causing the water pump to go out causing serious engine issues: all 16 valves in the engine were bent. $1400.00 later by car is fixed and I am in further debt. Just my luck. Luckily I dodged forclosure and getting kicked out of the park the week after all this happened.
Ok so, truly, my higher power was testing me in July. "How much shit can you handle at once?" He/She must have been bored.
Anyway, that's my story in a large nutshell. Chlamydia was treated (hopefully gone), my car is running fine and I'm caught up for the most part on my house/rent. I had a relaxing weekend - 4 days off work. That was awsome. Now it's back to life. What will life bring next? I just can't wait!

Still Hating it here....damn neighbors

2007-06-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

OK. So beside management, my neighbors are fucking crazy. So much damn drama I want to scream. Actually I feel like crawling under a rock and not coming out. I want to sleep my life away right about now. Here's the scoop:

My son's best friend, I'll call him 'Bob' lives across the street. I like 'Bob', he's a good kid and we treat him like part of the family. He is the only one who can come and go, literally as he pleases. I really don't mind him being here, even if it's all the time. I'm just used to him and he listens to me which helps. His mom, well, I don't think she likes me that well but she's okay. I just keep my distance from her and try to be as polite as I can.

Doesn't seem so bad huh? Not really, but that's not the best part. There is another neighbor with a kid about 5 years younger than my son and 'Bob, I'll call him 'Gomer'. I know kids are innocent and are products of their environment, but I don't like him. He has a tendency to tell on people all of the time, especially if he doesn't get his way. Then his mom will go to the boys and tell them that they have to play with him etc..... like this kid, Gomer, is some angel. He's not. Arghhhhh. I don't like him and I don't want him in my house. Everytime there is some issue between the kids he is involved. If it is just my son and Bob, everything is cool. When Gomer is around, his parents (Oh, I'll have to explain them in a little bit here) have to come to me and Bob's Mom about something. It is sooooo frustrating. This kid and his parents are the source of all this drama and it is absolutely pissing me off, I'm afraid of what I might say to them if I have to talk to them about this.

OK, so if the kid isn't bad enough, the parents are absolutely fucking crazy. They are drug addicts who always call the police on everyone else. That is where Gomer gets this idea to tell on everyone all the time. I heard him following his mom down the street once and he told his mom they should call the cops. They actually called the cops on my neice cause she was driving too fast. They've done that to a few people around here. No one likes them. Ok, she's crazy and her daughter is just like her. Nosy, I'm gonna tell on you, bitch. So Gomer's dad is around now. He's been around for about two months now. Guess where he was for the first 5 years of Gomer's life???? Yup, you guessed it, PRISION. Now there are a lot of reasons people go to prision. Him, well, he went to prision after stabbing Gomer's mom in the neck, now she is permanently fucked up because of that. The police caught him in the field by our house hiding in the tall grass. He was all fucked up on coke or some shit like that. So he goes to prision. That bitch let him back into her life??? He almost killed her for God's sake. How STUPID!!!!! Ok, so she is stupid, that's fine if she wants to be killed by him, I'm sure that will happen one of these days. But first off why would or how could the mobile home park let him live here again after being a convicted felon? A dangerous, attempted murderer, convicted felon. All the while I get to live with my two children two fucking doors down.

As if that's not enough just being what it is. I get a call at work today from Larry, who is watching the kids. He says that the felon threatened to kill Bob. Bob is like 9 years old. According to my son Bob was spraying Gomer with the water hose, he went and told, so the felon decided to yell at Bob. I get home and my kids are in the house telling me that I HAVE to have this meeting with the Moms. The fuck I do. Shit, I am not going to involve myself or my kids in this drama. Fuck that. If they want to talk to me, they can call me or stop by. I believe Jarod when he says that he didn't have anything to do with it. He came in the house before all that shit happened. Even if he was there, he wasn't spraying anyone so I'm not part of this. Oh they want to drag me in but the fuck if I'll let em'. If they do come talk to me I'm gonna tell them exacly how I feel. As pissed as I am right now, it wouldn't be a good time. If they know anything about me, I hope they know to stay away for a little while. What's the big fucking deal anyway?? So what if this kid was sprayed, it wasn't a fire hose that hurt him and it was 90 degrees today, he should be fuckin thankful.

Oh, another thing, Bob's mom is way too hard on Gomer. She punishes him for whatever the other crazy bitch says he did. I think that's wrong. She is soooo mean to him, that's why he spends all his time here.

That's all I have for now. I have more important things to worry about than this he said she said crap. Kids are kids, they're not always perfect. If someone comes to me about something my son did, I will talk to him about it and explain why it wasn't right. If it's more serious than the above matter, I will punish him, but it's not going to be in front of anyone else and I'm sure as hell not going to say he can't play with this one or that one ever again. How else are they going to learn how to handle diversity and conflict?? Are they teaching those kids to run away as soon as conflict comes up? By not diving into the drama, is that what I'm teaching my kids??

Damn it this parenting shit just gets harder and harder. WTF. And I was worried when they were babies! lol.

Later

hating it here

2007-05-24T19:38:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I'm starting to hate living in this fucking trailer park. I love my house. I can stand my neighbors to an extent. I hate management though. Soooo fuckin picky. Like I have all day like some of these losers around here to make my yard 'pretty and perfect'. Fuck that. I work 2 damn jobs and I'm fucking tired!!!!! What a bitch. Ok, so the rocks by the curb, I understand - those were picked up. The grass, well, it was their fucking sod that went bad. It was too fucking hot with no rain for the first 2 years after the sod was laid. You can only water every other day during the summer. I'll be damned if I'm gonna stay up all night or get up way early to go out and water. Fuck them. They can come over and water, shit it ain't my land, I rent it. They can fuckin do it themselves. Shit. I'm in a really foul mood after getting that notice. Fuck them!!! And another thing, those other fuckers around here who keep their kids' bikes, etc....out on the lawn better have received a fucking notice to. Shit I keep my yard in ok condition, put the bikes at least on the porch so no one can even see them. What the fuck is she talking about!!!??? Oh, I'm fucking pissed. I'm glad, I'm not actually talking to someone right now otherwise I'd be embarassed afterward for swearing so much. JEEEEEEEEEZ - I'M SOOOOOO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW I WANNA BREAK SOMETHING!!!! ARG!!!!

Then dipshit being here isn't helping. He throws a fucking fit like a fucking two year old and it's driving me absolutely insane. Grow the fuck up already. He's fifty acting like he's two. Yelling at everyone cause of nothing. "do this", "do that", "don't", "do". Pissing me the fuck off as if I need someone to help me with that right now. I get so mad when he does that I have to remind him that I'm not his kid and to stop acting like I am. Ooooohhhhhh I get sooo mad when he does that. Oh you guys are so fuckin lucky right now that you don't have to be around me.

Ok, so I feel a little better. I think it's time to go outside, smoke a cigarette, or two, fuck I may even just chain smoke for a while.

These are the times I wish I could drink. Fuck the world. The world ain't done shit for me what the fuck should I care for??? Ok, my kids I know, I know.

I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna smoke my cigarettes and have a little meditation time.

Ta Ta for now. Hopefully I look back and read this and learn something. Maybe not. Who the hell knows right now.

Tomorrow

2007-05-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

So today is tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow.

Things are much better as predicted. They always do get better.

I heard that you make $10 more a week now giving plasma.

I feel a lot better, cold is finally going away, so I think I'm going to go back and start doing that again. I really do hate needles. Needlephobia. Thankfully it's not severe, I do dread it though. That one tiny prick just hurts like hell. I can give birth to a child but damn those needles. lol
Here's a link to the phobia list. It's pretty interesting.

http://www.phobialist.com/#A-

Anyway, besides the kids being needy unlike no other, things are okay.

I don't have a date for Tina's wedding. That's okay though, there will be a couple people there I know, so it shouldn't be so bad.

Anyway, time for bed. Yes I know it's early. Hey, it's been a long week so far. A girl needs her sleep. Besides, my kids are still awake and they shouldn't be. They're having a hard time sleeping too.

Later

some days

2007-05-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

Some days are just worse than others.
We all go through it, those days that seem as if everything is falling apart even though nothing specific is ailing us. Yesterday was one of those days.

I woke up OK, but while driving to work, it hit me. That gut wrenching, depressed feeling; enough to overwhelm anyone. That feeling that there is absolutely nothing to look forward to, what the hell am I here for anyway feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't contemplating suicide or anything. I did feel like crying for no damn reason. Usually I get that way after I stop taking my antidepressant for a day or two. I get to the point where anything minor will make me cry and then a day after that I start getting dizzy, really dizzy - similar to vertigo. However, I took my medication, hadn't missed a day in weeks.

I thought about what it was and came up with a few things. First, I think the stress with Larry is getting to me. I'm just tired. Tired of dealing.
The second thing, is my sister and her husband are having problems. My sister is my rock. Her happiness affects me in ways I can't even explain. When she isn't happy it seems my whole world is tilting in the wrong direction. I know it's weird but we are that close. I grew up with a mother, father, brother and sister. That's it. I had one grandma that lived in Kansas so we only got to see her once in a great while. I didn't have cousins, aunts, uncles - anything like that. The family that I do have left include my sister and my mom. My mom is 2 hours away. That leaves my sister. She has done so much for me in my life especially when it comes to my kids.
Lastly, that murder in Sauk Rapids had me bugging yesterday. I just had this eerie feeling and couldn't shake it. The lady that was killed may have been one of my customers at the store, I know her family anyway, and that just is a little to close to home. They said in the paper that the guy who killed her, her boyfriend or husband I'm assuming, had drug issues and mental illness. I kept thinking all day that, although I don't think he would cause he's not violent, Larry dabbles in the drugs and obviously is mentally ill. I kept thinking, 'What if Larry were to snap like that?' I just couldn't shake that fact that it isn't impossible. Kind of scary.

Finally, unrelated, maybe not....
I've had a couple of dreams now about the world coming to an end. Mostly it's just my kids and I trying to survive, fighting the chaos - the chaos being a little sketchy in the dreams.
I feel sensitive to the world around me, maybe it was the weather, looming storms around us.
Now I've just lost my damn mind. LOL

Today was better. Thankfully a lot better. I got a lot done at work, but I remained pretty quiet. So tomorrow, I'm hoping will be even better yet.

Well, I do feel better putting it in writing. Hopefully you had a good day too.
TA TA.

The Letter

2007-05-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

I felt like writing Larry a letter. I'm not sure if I'll give it to him in it's current form. I'm not sure if he would even read it but I thought I'd share. Those of you (Whackly, Something Dirty, and Crapnasty) that know me, have heard all of this plenty of times, I'm sure. No surprises. Those of you that don't know me, well, I'm not sure if it'll be worth reading. That's for you to decide. Sorry it is so long. I had a hard time picking out the things I wanted to put in there - there is soooo much. 12 years worth. Here it goes:

Dear Larry,

I wasn’t sure where to start or what to write. I just knew I had to tell you how I feel. Since we can’t have a real conversation, I decided to put this in writing.

You know I love you, Larry, with all of my heart. It’s been twelve years now and I love you more now than I ever did. And I know you care about me. I do know that regardless of how we fight or don’t get along.

I wish things could be different but I know that they will never change. I guess it took me twelve years to figure that out. Our relationship has its up and downs. We are both there for the kids and we both love them greatly. I know that. I must say I am proud of how you have stepped up to the plate with keeping the kids after school and financially taking care of them as well. I knew you had it in you to do the right thing.

You’re a wonderful person, when you are sober and happy. Unfortunately, you haven’t been happy or sober very much lately. I know the kids get on your nerves and downright piss you off as they do the same to me. Every morning and every night I get to experience their moods, their independent ways. I wake them up every morning, make sure they eat, get dressed and on the bus, and then at night feed them and get them to bed. I know how much they fight and how needy they can be so I know your frustration. I live that too.

I also know that I am part of your unhappiness. One of the biggest issues is how clean the house is at any given point. Another issue is the dog. And yet another is my kindness in helping a friend out with the kids coming in the morning. My defense on these three issues you know: First, I don’t have the time nor the energy you have to clean the house like you do. I work the two jobs and am exhausted almost all of the time. The only time I have energy is in the mornings and I am limited on morning time. I already get up by 5:30am, often times earlier. Today will be 17 days working in a row without a full day off. By the time I do get a day off which is scheduled on Sunday, I will have worked 21 days in a row. I need to pick up Sunday because I need the money, so then I go beyond the 21 days. Why can’t you grasp or at least respect my time constraint?

Secondly, the issue with the dog, I have no defense for. Jarod, Jamea and myself, we love her and can’t bare to get rid of her. She is part of our family whether you like it or not. That’s just the way it is.

Lastly, with the issue of my friends’ kids coming over in the morning, I’m sorry you feel that way. You know she is one of my best friends and we’ve known each other for a long time now. She’s always there for me and she doesn’t judge me on decisions I make in life. She is a true friend. Unlike your friends, she doesn’t feed me alcohol and wouldn’t let me drink because she knows that I shouldn’t. Those are the friends that I choose in my life and those are the people I’m going to help out come hell or high water. They are part of my family also. I am a kind person. I know the struggle that she faces with her job and trying to handle the kids on her own, without the extra funds to make her life situation perfect. Because I empathize and because I know she would do the same for me if I needed her to, I am there for her. That’s how I grew up. My dad was a giver till the day he died. He was the chairman of the Salvation Army for almost 20 years, he opened our home to transients passing through for help. That’s who I learned from. I’m sorry you hate that part of me soooo much. I love that part of me. I’m proud of that part of me and no matter what you say or do, that part is going to stay, take it or leave it. All I ask is that you DO NOT put me, my friends or their children down because we aren’t just like you. You have a right to not be that way. That is fine. We don’t live together and I don’t tell you how to run your household.

I’m on the fence of life right now. I don’t know which side to choose. On one hand, I love you and respect you for all of the wonderful things you possess. On the other, and you know the deal, there are a couple of things I’m not sure I’m going to deal with any longer. The drugs and the constant prowl you are on sickens me. I remember how angry and just sick I used to get when you would get high on the drugs. I’m not talking about the beer or even the marijuana. I’m talking about the hard shit you do that makes you look, sound, and just plain act retarded. To this day it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach each and every time you do that, which by the way has been way too often recently. I have grown up a little since the beginning of our relationship so the anger I can control. I don’t feel a need to beat you down, I just don’t want to be around you or talk to you when you’re high. It hurts too much. It angers me when you deny it also. I always tell you I know you better than you know yourself. I can tell when you haven’t yet but are going to get high. I can tell from a mile away when you are high just by the way you carry yourself. I can hear it in your voice and in the words you use. I can tell when you are hiding something. I can almost read your mind. I know you know that too, but you won’t admit that either. The part that angers me the most: I told you a long time ago after we had the kids that the minimum I ask is that you do not do those drugs or be under the influence of those drugs around our kids. Although, I trust you completely with the kids, I know you have went back on your word and used either before they arrived or while they were there. More than anything that makes me want to cry. How dare you? I know what an addiction is. I know how it sucks to want something that you shouldn’t have. You know better than anyone how sick I was, how much I would drink, how angry I would get when it came to my alcohol. I admit my wrong doing in life when it comes to the kids. I drank around the kids for years. I know what it’s like, I live with addiction every day also. I want to drink. Every morsel of my being wants to be drunk again. I want to feel that high and go back to those times when I could join my friends in a drink or many. Unlike yourself, I am sober because I want to be sober more than I want to drink. My kids, my friends, and my family are more important to me than the booze. From my heart and soul I chose my family and friends as #1 on my priority list. The alcohol had to go. That’s where you and I differ.

You think you have this right to do what you want to. I have news for you – you don’t. Your kids are people and they deserve your respect and admiration. They have the right to a sober father who doesn’t yell at them every second of every day because they aren’t perfect. You don’t have the right to make them feel worthless. You don’t have the right to strip them of their confidence, make them feel stupid and call them horrible names. I can’t take it any more. I just can’t, especially for Jarod’s sake. It breaks my heart sometimes to hear him talk about you. It breaks my heart to know that you may hold the key to his happiness and success, yet you don’t listen, you don’t take it seriously. You haven’t even tried to change the way you treat him. I told you the things he has said about having a father. “I want a new Dad.” “Daddy thinks I’m stupid.” He asks me, “Why did you pick him?” with the him being YOU, Larry. Doesn’t that tell you something? Are you not concerned at all?

I have been thinking a lot about these things. I think about how hard it would be to leave because I do care about you so much. I think about all of the good times and the good parts about you that I still, to this day, adore. Yet I’m still leaning the other way. Every day that goes by I get closer and closer to being ready to move on. What I want out of life and what you want are different. I want to share, you want things without having to give of yourself much. I’m not just talking about money. You aren’t a caring person. You act like it but that is only to get what you want. All of those times when I used to drink, get drunk and pass out you would take advantage of me. You hurt my soul more than you know. I don’t want to live that way any more. I want to come home from a hard day of work and have a man give me a hug just because he cares and adores me that way. Without expecting sex right then and there. You’ve never been able to give me that support, that kind of love. We can’t cuddle, and I can’t even get close to you without having to fight about sex. It’s not fair. I don’t turn on and off like a light switch. I understand you may, but a little control sometimes would have been nice. Yeah, it is nice to be ‘wanted’ like that, but all of the time isn’t so nice. Is that all you want from me? That’s all that matters to you in our relationship? That’s how that makes a woman feel.

I want to share the hard times with someone. Truly together; not apart like we do. My problems are my problems and yours are yours. We don’t talk about it, nor do we make decisions together. We can’t have a meaningful conversation, ever. I’m tired of feeling alone even when you’re around. If I’m with someone, I don’t want to feel like running away or hiding under the covers because I’m afraid to move and make them mad because I don’t want them to start taking it out on the kids. I’m tired of living that way.

Finally, I’ve been thinking a lot about life and how fast it’s passing us by. The kids are getting so big and I don’t want to miss a minute. I feel like my energy is wasted sometimes on dealing with our problems that I can’t focus on them. How I feel affects how they feel. How they feel affects me. A lot of our unhappiness stems from our relationship with you. I know that sounds harsh. It is harsh. It hurts. I don’t want to feel that way but I do. Ignoring it doesn’t help. I’ve done that for a long time. So long in fact I feel numb. The things that would drive other women crazy just make me shrug my shoulders and think about what I really want out of life. I don’t tell you how I feel anymore because you don’t listen. I’m tired of being ignored. I enter my own little world and imagine finding someone else that can give me the things I need. Although, I haven’t been with anyone else, sometimes I wish I could be. It’s not fair to either of us. I also know you have been or are messing around with other people; or at least trying to. Of course you will deny that too, but I know the truth. Every ounce of me knows that you are needing something else, whether it be sexual and/or emotional in nature. I will never know exactly what because you will never reveal any real emotions or truth in your life. You truly are SOLO.

I’m not sure how you’ll take this. I’m not sure if you’ll even read this. If you do, I apologize for hurting you in any way. Hurting you is not my intention. It never has been and it never will be. I can’t imagine life without you in it. If something ever happened to you and God forbid you were to leave this world, I would be crushed. That would be the case whether we ended our life together or not. You have been my world for so long. Together we have made 2 beautiful children, whom I wouldn’t trade for the world.

When I hear people ask, “What are you’re regrets?” I have none when it comes to you. It just is what it is and we have to do what is right for the kids and ourselves.

With love,

Jamie

Speaking of.....

2007-04-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

I ranted and raved already about self help and thinking positively on Jerry the Turtle: http://jerrytheturtle.blogspot.com/

Here is the link where you can view the full length movie for $4.95 each view. If you're just curious you might want to do this first. It's only $5. I haven't seen it. Not something I've wanted to do. Maybe someday.

I imagine it's probably helpful, but not really the answer to everything. How can any one thing be the secret to everything?

It can't.

Kind of related: My favorite saying nowadays, "Perception is reality". Simple, yet difficult to grasp sometimes.

The extent of my gaming

2007-04-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Atari - #13 on the top 50 best tech gadgets according to PC World.

Now I don't know to what extent I should trust this publication, but considering my knowledge, anything is probably better than nothing.

Just that word, and looking at a picuter of an ATARI brings back memories. My favorite game, as sad as it is, I forgot the name, where that little guy has to swing on a rope over this lake/pond and if he falls he gets eaten by alligators. Of course there was a little more to it but I loved that game. Pac-Man was so much easier on the joy sticks. All the games were actually. Kids these days just pick up on how to play these complicated games. How do they do it? I just can't get into it. I'm tired; that's all I've got for now.

Speaking of Dreams SD

2007-04-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

What the hell? I dreamt that I had a horrible infestation of boxelder bugs in my house and you couldn't move without stepping on one or seeing one. I had to get out the vacuum and clean them up; there were these eggs, larger than the boxelders themselves that I had to suck up too. That's all I remember. Disgusting little creatures.

headache

2007-04-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

I've had a headache all day. Now my daughter has a fever and a headache. You know your kids are sick when all they do is sleep. I gave her Tylenol to help with the fever and pain. I doubt I'll send her to school tomorrow. To her Dad's she goes. He likes having her around and they get along well. I worry about his medicine giving capabilities though. He either gives too little or too much. It's not rocket science, the instructions are on the bottle.

When Jamea was about 1 yr old, I got home from work at around 10 pm and she was sleeping on the couch. I sat down to cuddle with her and realized that she had a terrible fever. Larry said he had given her medicine. S he wasn't sick prior to me going to work so this was news to me. So we are sitting there and all of the sudden she starts seizing. Scared the shit out of me. I called the ambulance, police arrived 1st. She awoke before they got there and she seemed okay - a little out of it. The ambulance arrived and watched her for a while. They knew she had a seizure because of how disoriented she was. I t was a fibril seizure, which is common for infants/toddlers with high fevers. I asked Larry how much Tylenol he gave her and he gave her half the dose - so basically it did nothing for her.

I was so mad at him. READ THE DAMN LABEL ALREADY!!!! To this day he doesn't read the label. I have to tell him and hope he remembers. I have taught the kids how much they need so when their Dad tries to shove medicine down their throats they know if it's too much or too little. It all works out in the end. For the most part their Dad is very good with the kids when they are sick; he is very attentive to them. I have to give him that. Me on the other hand, he could give a crap. Oh well, I'm an adult I think I can manage.

Other than that same old, same old. Nothing new in my life. My review at work turned out great, I got a raise. It's been over a year and I still like my job. It's getting a little boring however. I'm looking forward to branching out a little. I've made known my desire for more knowledge so I've thrown out the bone. We'll see if they take it or not.

No summer school for the kids. They are both improving on their grades and behavior so as a reward I told them I wouldn't send them this year. They have to keep improving and doing well, otherwise to summer school they go next year. Jarod is more caring about how he does in school, which I like to see. He cares if he has late work, or if he's behind on his work. He enjoys doing well more so than he did, say a year ago.

Isn't it true about school...
Learning how to learn is the most important thing you take away from school. When you walk out into the real world, that's the skill you're going to use the most. All the details you won't remember nor will you have use for.

Anyway,
later
J.

fairly smart = fairly stupid

2007-03-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

Stupid enough to think I'm smarter than this.

decisions

2007-03-03T16:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I knew it would happen eventually...

A big blowout between myself and thw owners of the store I work at. A big, yelling match where we are all angry and I end up turning in my key.

My sister manages 1 of their stores and I work at another one. I have worked there for 7 or so years. I've seen a lot of changes, managers come and go, employees come and go - some good and some bad. Oh the stuff I've seen and heard. I've also met some awsome people, one of whom is one of my best friends.

My sister has managed her store for about a year now and she called me the other day crying because they are moving her to the 3rd store that they own. She is going to help that manager clean up the store, get things organized, ya know - housekeeping of people and things. Yeah, it's all good I suppose. OK, not so good. They tell her that the manager at this 3rd store has the final say. I view this as a demotion. No matter how you slice it, if you go from being in charge to having to answer to someone else, it's a demotion. An undeserved demotion. Did I mention this "other manager" has been managing this 3rd store for the same amount of time as my sister at hers (about 1 year) but she still doesn't know how to do her job. She doesn't know how to do her paperwork and can't hire or keep honest, non-stealing employees. She calls my sister and the mgr of the store I work at to ask how to do some of the most basic mgr duties.
Not to mention, no one else is happy about the move and it creates more work for everyone involved with no raises. They are doing this because of the 'bottom line'. That's what they're telling me.

It may not seem so bad, but I've had it. I've been through so many changes. I don't mind change. Actually change itself is great. When the changes are obvious mistakes, well, they're not so good. Ok, so this time I've really had it. After being a loyal, hard-working, going above and beyond kind of employee I decided it was time for me to step up and voice my opinion on this decision to move everyone around. Some of it personal, some just fed up with dealing with the consequences of their actions at work.

So, while in the midst of being drunk with anger over this situation, I run into the owners at the store within 2 hours of hearing of the news. Not a good situation as I called and left a message for the owners telling them it was a bad decision and I was sick of it. Yeah, of course they wanted to talk about it right then and there, outside the store I work at, with my kids and their young kid present. I told her I thought it was a mistake and the 2 things I get in return are "It's none of your business" and "it's about the bottom line - you don't know what the bottom line is". In response I tell them a few things about themselves. I'm told if I don't like it I can leave. Fine I will and then I hear "well, get to it". I took my key into the store and put it on the counter. That's it. I'm done. Just like that. I did get a call from the owner the next day telling me that they don't want me to quit and that my job is still there if I want it. I apologized for the way things went down but told them that I do not regret voicing my opinion.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I almost felt relieved handing in that key. I felt free. I mean 2 whole days off work every week? I don't recall what it felt like to have only 1 job and weekends off. I've had 2 jobs forever. I would miss the customers and my co-workers, especially the manager (also one of my best friends). If I don't take my job back, it has to be permanent. I can never go back. It's a pride thing. I want to move on and maybe learn a new skill or something at a different 2nd job. Or maybe, if I can budget better, I'd maybe like to keep my weekends work-free. I'm on the fence. Although, it shouldn't be, it's such an emotional decision. More emotional for me at this point than it is financial. Oh well, I'm sure I'll make my decision soon. After all I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of it.

blah

2007-02-20T00:07:00.000-08:00

Same old shit different day.

I wasn't invited to a "party" thingy they had at work. I'm offended cause I talk to those customers on a regular basis and I thought I should be invited. Either they forgot or they don't like the way I look so they don't want me to meet them face to face. The latter is what I'm thinking but ya never know. It could be an oversight I guess. I mean someone's gotta stay behind and do all the work...right? Even more upsetting is the fact of who I think the 'invitor' is. That would crush me if it was intentional from this person. I'm not even sure if he's the invitor.

I really am over it now but I was pretty upset over it last week. Now, actually, I'm glad I didn't get to go. What a stressful day and night - schmoozing with the customers - most of whom are older, not the most attractive men (I'm assuming of course). I don't drink anymore so it would have been pretty boring anyway.

My kids are doing well in school. Never underestimate your children. They may shock you. We had confrences and they are both improving greatly. I'm very proud of them and I tell them that every chance I get. I want them to know that that's the path to take. I want them to get excited about doing well instead of frustrated by not doing well.

Be proud of what you can do, of who you are - not ashamed of what you can't or who your not.
(I just made that up - swear) (Do you think it's already a "quote")?

Anyway,
lesson for today:
Go to bed, stay in bed.
And the "quote" above.

customer service

2007-01-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

CS is one of the most difficult, but most important jobs out there. The bottom line comes down to CS. Without it your business is nothing. Shopko lost me as a customer. I vow NOT to go back to Shopko ever again. Just shitty CS. Every time I walk in that store something bad happens. First I lost my checkbook there. Of course the loosing of the checkbook was my fault. Their response - nothing. They didn't give a shit. I called them as soon as I realized it was gone, which was as soon as I got home. So blah about it, like 'I really don't give a shit, no one handed it in, the fuck if I'm gonna look for it kinda attitude'. Now every time I go in there I just notice this shitty attitude. I'm done. Target, Kmart, or Walmart for me. Erase Walmart - Walk a Mart - gotta walk a mile just to get into the door, another mile around the big ol fat lady ahead of you walking as slow as can be, and then another mile to get back to the car. I'm not against walking but I am in a hurry. If I want to walk I'll walk around the block a few times. Most of the time I just want to go in and get what I went for and get outa there so I can go home and relax.

It's messed up that we work so hard and spend quite a bit of our paychecks on Mortgage/Rent but most people hardly spend anytime at home. It's the American way - spend money on shit we don't use/wear. Of course we NEED housing so that's where we get fucked.

Another realization - The main reason, I think, that women (or men) are attracted to married men (or women) is fear. Fear of something acutally happening. If they're married you don't have to worry about that - at least in theory. It's 'I want to be close to that person but yet I don't because I don't want to get hurt or face rejection'.

Anyway enough rambling.

Oh by the way - Hilary is running - Ha! I love it.

Size does matter

2006-12-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

Really, it does.

First, to clarify, I don't sleep around. A specific incident happened that completely made me come (no pun intended) to the realization that Size really does matter.

An ex-boyfriend, now friend for approximately 12 years, and I were hanging out. Because I've known him for so long and because I truly do care for him we feel comfortable with each other. Well, hm hm....stuff happened (not a lot-I'll explain that later) enough for me to be like "Damn! I don't remember it being that small!!!!" Of course I didn't say that out loud, I was thinking it though. From that moment on, L and I have been more intimate and I've actually appreciated it more. Maybe it's a little too much info, but hey I'm blogging, he's actually a very good lover.

Now, I didn't sleep with this friend of mine cause well, shall I say, I was a little turned off, a little shocked if you will. So, maybe size doesn't matter in the red zone, but hey in order to get there you gotta have the ball, right?

I guess I'm not completely attracted to the friend in the first place so that may have played a bigger role in the whole thing. Who knows. Am I wrong? Any thoughts? Besides my sins (don't hate), any thoughts?

The light at the end of the tunnel

2006-12-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

I hope.

I went to county today to get help with rent/mortgage. I hope they help me. Not sure though. It's not like I live off of the government or anything. I ask for help once in a great while when I really need it. I have to have at least 50% of my disposable income going toward necessitites (house, elec, heat, food, gas to get to work-that's about it) Here's the kicker, I have to have SPENT over half my income on these things in order to get help. Okay, if I was spending over half my income on rent, I wouldn't be behind now would I? It's the other dump shit I got myself into. Yes, I got myself into it so I should get myself out. I hear you loud and clear. It's just not that easy. No detail on this I'm just too tired and need to go to sleep.

On a brighter, not so brighter note - Yah!!!! Saddam is going down, finally! Also, John Edwards running for Dem Nomination in 2008 - I'm happy for that. I like that guy. He reminds me a lot of Clinton. I still hope Hilary makes a run for it, but if not at least I've got John.

Giving

2006-12-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

Well since it's that time of year, I'm in a very giving mood. I wish I had the means to ease someone else's financial burden. It's strange how that works. I barely have a pot to piss in and I have this tremendous urge to give. I know it's a result of empathy, actually puting yourself in someone else's shoes. Shit we share those shoes.

I guess I've never been ultra greedy. I've had moments but in the end I really don't want handouts. I usually try to give something in return for good deeds done in my interest. I don't know how to explain it. It's not just in relation to money either. Sometimes I hear stories about children being hurt, abused, abandoned and I just get that motherly urge to go kick that sunnabitches ass-or to give the kid (s) a hug and tell them they don't deserve that.
Then I get all teary eyed and start thinking about my own kids. Do they know, do they feel, that I love them? Do they really know how much I do? If that were my child.... God, how can people do some of the stuff they do to other people? I'm so sick of hearing about the fricken creeps in the world. Seriously, all child molesters and murderers should be fucking shot, after being castrated with no fucking pain medication. Fuck this lethal injection shit. I say torture those bastards.

Anyway enough ranting, I just get so angry when I think about all the kids out there right now that are suffering. I know I don't have a lot, but damn, I got love in my heart for my family and friends. If I were to die right now, I would be at peace with my life and how it played out. No regrets. Yes, corny, I know.

Hope everyone has a nice Christmas and New Year. And if you don't celebrate these holidays, well, too damn bad, Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. There take that.

quotes

2006-12-18T00:17:00.000-08:00

Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize.
Saul Bellow

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
Robert Byrne

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
Emma Goldman

It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen.
George MacDonald

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

The United States brags about its political system, but the President says one thing during the election, something else when he takes office, something else at midterm and something else when he leaves.
Deng Xiaoping

football

2006-12-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

FINALLY! I won the football pool at work last week and the week prior. At least I got my money back plus an extra $5. What a relief.

Ah

2006-12-09T19:08:00.000-08:00

I just made and ate the best spaghetti ever. Made some garlic cheese bread - nummy. Now I'm full.

I have to work tomorrow which is great. I love working, I can't help it. I realized that fact today at none other than work. I love getting up at 4:30 in the morning. I love feeling like I accomplished a lot by 9am. I'm an addict by nature. I'm addicted to lots of stuff, some harmless and of course others not so great. I'm thankful I knew better when I was younger not to try the hard drugs. Life could have been so much worse for me. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be an addict. I would be a social drinker, capable of having a few and walking away. Oh to dream. I don't want to drink for the drink. I want to drink for mind altering purposes. I'm happy, just bored. Mind alteration can do wonders for the psyche. I think differently when I'm drinking. It's fun to think differently. It's fun to feel confident even though I'm at my worst. I've been thinking about getting high lately too. Damn it if I can't drink, I should get high. Of course the angel on my right shoulder tells me (not literally) to "Stop thinking that way you dumbass, of course you can't do that." Then the devil (again, not literally) tells me "just once - that's not your problem, never was, never will be." Of course I like what the devil tells me in this one instance. So I'm at a crossroad. Again, same thing as alcohol, I hate the actual act of getting high, I just want to be high. I want to feel calm, cool, and collect. Oh yeah, I wanna laugh my ass off at just about anything too. It could be overrated. I never got high without drinking. Hm. It could be I wouldn't like it without alcohol. I may never know. Ok I will never know. I just feel better talking about it. I don't have any now, don't have plans to get any so chill out. All is right in the Johnson household, well right for us.

I have a dysfuntional household:
Mommy works her ass off, Daddy doesn't. The children live with Mommy, who mostly hates Daddy. Mommy and Daddy are kind of together - if you ask Daddy, he says they are. If you ask Mommy, well, it all depends on how he's treating her. They don't live together, used to. They don't want to live together, can't stand each other. Daddy wants to get married, Mommy really doesn't want to get married, she just wants more money. She feels she deserves more from him after those first 7 years of hell. He'll never be able to repay his debt to her. They still sleep together and both seem to enjoy it. Go figure.

How's that for fucked up?

Finances still suck. I'm still working on getting back to where I want to be. It's bound to happen as I know everything gets better. It just does.

Larry's being decent lately. That also will change soon. Lucky streaks have to end I guess. Speaking of change, check it -

From my meditations book: "Each Day a New Beginning" By Karen Casey

December 9, 2006

Life is a process, one that is continuously changing. And with each change we are offered unexpected opportunities for growth. Change is what fosters our development as women. It encourages us to risk new behavior and may even result in some mistakes. Fortunately, no mistakes can seriously hinder us. In fact most mistakes give us an additional opportunity to learn.
Where we stand today is far removed from our position last year, or even last week. Each and every moment offers us new input that influences any decision from this moment forward. The process that we're participating in guarantees our growth as long as we reamain conscious of our opportunities and willingly respond to them. We can be glad that the life process is, in fact, never static, always moving, always inviting us to participate fully.

I love my job........but...........

2006-11-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

Some days just suck. Yesterday and especially today are two - right in a fricken row.

Yesterday, I was just so busy I didn't have time to breathe. I felt like I worked my ass off but didn't get anything accomplished.

Today was better as far as the workload is concerned but on a personal communication level it sucked. Someone was talked to and then afterward they were mad at me. I had no clue why. I've never said anything bad about that person at all. Ever. Seriously - nothing. I like her. What the F*** I'm thinking to myself. Now why they'd have to go say that and now it's like my fault or something. I didn't even know what the hell was going on until I asked someone else (my other kinda supervisor) "What the hell is going on". I used those words to as I laughed of course. She couldn't tell me any details, of course. Although my name and reputation with the people I work with are being drug through elephant dung, I can't know the details. WTF!~!!! It's just wrong. I told the pseudo supervisor that. I should at least know what is happening before the shit hits the fan. It's true, the shit doesn't spread evenly.

I'm kinda mad at that girl too. Grow up. If I'm demoted, and I kinda have been, I'm not gonna blame anyone else. I blame myself and wonder if there's something I can do to improve. Also if having things changed around a little helps everyone get more done, than that's good right? I guess I would be mad too, but not at the person sitting next to me cause she happens to work with certain people and take orders from certain people just like she does. Shit, if my name got brought up, too damn sorry, I wasn't there, ask me about it or get the F*** over it. Ya know?! Just frustrated.

I don't get paid to make friends I guess. I have plenty to do to keep me occupied.

That's about it.

And another pet peeve - DRIVERS WHO GET ON OTHER DRIVER'S ASSES - FUCKIN STOP IT DAMN IT!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A 100 CAR PILE UP CAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING RESPECT OTHER PEOPLES SPACE!!!!!! FO REAL THO!!!!!!

next lifetime

2006-11-25T15:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, in my next lifetime, assuming there is one, I am NOT having kids. No way, no how. I will heed the warning so given by my parents and others who already had children.

I love my kids, you know that. I just want peace and quiet in my next life, that's all. I want to sip my sugar and cream with coffee while reading the paper. I want to hear the birds singing in the morning and patiently appreciate the glimpse of sun shining in. I want to read and watch tv uninterrupted whenever I want, not just after the kids' bedtime. I want to be, oh sorry I already am - I mean stay an alcoholic. I want to go out whenever, drink, and not worry about home, the kids, bills, or their well-being. Shit I don't want to worry about my well-being. I don't want to hear Mommy, Mommy, Mommy in my next lifetime. Oh and I want all my money to be my money!!!! No school lunches, no help the kids with homework etc...

Okay, this sounds bad. I want my kids. I love them dearly. If anything happened to them life would cease to exist for me.

Right now I'm just craving a little time with no noise, by myself. I just want to relax, stoned, in a dark room with candles flickering, listening to some of my favorite tunes, a beer in my hand and more in the fridge, ice cold. Did I mention two words: by myself? You get the picture.

Yes, I know I'm bitching. What the hell is this thing blog for anyway? Isn't every conversation with everyone a bitch session...really? Think about it. There is always complaining. We're human. Selfish humans with nothing else on the brain but ourselves and what's good for us. If we didn't complain, we'd have nothing to talk about, laugh about, cry about etc.... It's the strive to do and be better that drives us to complain, bitch, if you will. Of course there's a limit. It's important how we complain also. Throwing a little humor in there helps. I'm not particularly funny, but I do like to laugh about the shit in my wheaties (thanks for that once whackly - still one of my favorites) once in a while. {A little better than horseshit - I use that one a lot.}

I'm rambling. It eases anxiety.
Lesson for today: DON'T HAVE KIDS, DRINK AND GET HIGH OFTEN, AND BITCH YOUR WAY TO A BETTER LIFE

ok now I'm done.

bored

2006-11-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

Once again I find myself with plenty to do, I just don't want to do any of it.

I have replaced alcohol with sleeping. It's not quite as fun as alcohol but it's just a different means to the same end - escape. I really don't want to sleep my life away. As I have been reminded recently that life really isn't that bad compared to other's. It is true. I do love living. I'm just not that good at it.

So we got through the Ipod shuffle incident. Larry went to the kids' school on Mon. morning last week and the principal found the ipod in my son's locker. I knew it had to be either here somewhere hidden or with one of my kids. I knew those other kids didn't take it. I told Larry but he just didn't believe me. He never does and then turns around and says "I should have listened to you." What the hell, after 11 1/2 years you think he'd figure that out by now, but of course, just like a man, he hasn't. Anyway now that we've successfully discovered the culprit, I can get on with other stuff.

I think I'm going to start my kids and probably myself with counseling of some sort. I went through my self exploration at treatment. I got to take time to really find out what I wanted in life and to think about life in a different way. Unfortunately, I didn't consider the kids and what they possibly were feeling. I've noticed them acting out a lot more just in the past few months. Maybe they need to talk to someone about stuff, ya know? If y'all know of any kids' shrinks let me know. I would never let them put the kids on medication though, I really don't believe in that crap. They're so little I don't see how any medication could be okay for them.

Another thing I am determined to do is to clean out my kids' rooms and take everything away. Start fresh, not toys, no games, nothing fun until they can learn to respect me and their father. Larry and I also need to work on that some more. Larry more than myself I have to say. I can be somewhat calm when talking to the kids/trying to explain stuff.

Well, Larry and I should be getting M'd the beginning of Dec. After that my income should increase considerably. I will be able to get back to school and finally finish. Since I'm so close I want to get my bachelor's degree in Bus Mgmt - HR focus. Them go on to get my accounting degree. I figured I should do that considering what my daily job consist of. It will make me a better employee. Of course I'll have many other options having those degrees. I can see how being mega rich could be a pain in the ass with people coming out of the woodwork. I just want to be comfortable. That's my goal. I've noticed that never seems to happen though. I'm always getting myself into a jam.

Baby steps I guess. We'll see how the next 6 mos. turn out and adjust the plan accordingly. It's like a football (or any sport) game. If the calls you're making aren't working, you adjust. I'm getting my ass kicked so far.

shit, shit, shit

2006-11-11T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm hating right now. I hate those rich fuckers who never have to worry about money; how the bills get paid.

Anyway, yeah money issues still the same. I think I'm going to go through with the M thing. It's a business transaction. Plain and simple. A necessary evil, if you will. It wouldn't be a real marriage, ya know. Just a means to an end.

I read last night that Gerlad Levert died. He is by all-time favorite singer. Damn. What a waste of good talent. I loved his voice; could pick it out anywhere. And to boot, he was only 40 yrs old. RIP G, RIP.

I'm having a jewelry party on 11/21 - I have my guest list pretty much ready. I hope people will be there. It sucks to invite people and no one shows. It's downright embarrassing. My son had a birthday party a couple years ago, he invited about 6 kids, and only one showed up. I felt so bad for him, I actually cried. At least if no one shows, I'm an adult, I can say fuck off and mean it.

Anyway, that's all for now. Oh, a lotta shit going on with L. - lost his ipod shuffle @ my house, it's no where to be found, he thinks one of the 4 kids (2 of our own and 2 friends' kids) stole it. I'm not so sure. I think he misplaced it. Misplaced it where? That is the question. It really is no where to be found. I looked everywhere. Anyway I hope it shows up soon. I can't take the ranting and raving from him about it. SHUT UP ALREADY LARRY - I'm working on it - double ck to make sure the kids didn't take it. Blah, blah, blah you say. I know. I kinda feel that way writing this.

I know I'm obsessive compulsive with everything. I'm admitting that. I'm not a stalker but I can't stop thinking about this guy I like. I hate this. Why can't I just be a normal person, ya know? Drink when I want to - stop when I want to. Ya know stuff like that. Anyway that's really all this time.

Later

J.

Desperation

2006-11-05T16:52:00.000-08:00

So, I'm acutally considering Marrying dipshit, L. I'll tell you why. If we get married that means I would get paid more monthly as part of his disability - without affecting his paycheck. Not just a little, a large amount.
Now I know what some of you are thinking, W.T.F ARE YOU DOING, JAMIE!!! I ask that myself a lot. It doesn't change the fact that I'm financially drowning without any way out. I can't do any more overtime at work. I can't work more at the part-time job until I pay my boss back for the loan from her. So I'm fucked. I have never been this close to losing my house, ever - even in my alcoholic days. This really makes me want to drink, ya know? One of the main reasons I don't drink is money troubles. Well, I have them anyway so what the hell. I just want to get caught up so I don't have to rob from Peter to pay Paul one week and then from Paul to pay Peter. That's the only way I can see the light. It would only be for a few years probably, or until I meet someone who understands me and my situation and who can deal with it. Who am I kidding, no man could deal with my situation. Ok so that's probably the problem with me. Damn it. At least I'm honest with people. I already told dipshit what we would be marrying for. He knows. My friend thinks I'm crazy cause she has found her FAITH and has this idea that marriage is somehow sacred. Screw that bullshit. You gotta do what you gotta do. I don't think marriage is the end all to be all. Americans fucked up what marriage is supposed to be anyway so don't point the finger. To each his own. I don't believe (totally) in the sanctity of marriage. It would take a hellofa man to change that about me. Also I would never change my last name. That's a deal breaker. My family name is as important to me as any man's is. I keep my last name, period, no discussion. Oh another thing, if we get married (I have told him) he doesn't own me any more than he does right now. He loved that comment.
Anyway, I'm sure this isn't what anyone who knows me was expecting. What can I say. Maybe I've lost my damn mind. I gotta go find it - maybe I'll get a new one.

Later
J.

Sen. Kerry's comments

2006-10-31T19:43:00.000-08:00

My response:

I believe that Kerry's remarks were taken somewhat out of context. I don't think his intention was to bash the troops. His intention was to take a hit at the President. Ever hit and miss? We all do it from time to time, Republicans, Democrats, Independents alike. He's not denying he said it. He should apologize to those soldiers he has offended. With that said it has long been a fact that the men and women from a more modest background who enter the armed forces far outweigh the rich and over-privileged that join. Do you see sons and daughters of the rich and powerful joining the military? As a general rule you do not. Also many men and women who join the forces do it for the purpose of financing an education. They are not well educated, yet. Most go straight out of high school in hopes of securing their future. Lastly, I think people ought not take everything that comes out of a politicians mouth literally. Empathy goes a long way in diplomacy. Grow up America.
And just for the record, I have more respect and admiration for the 'uneducated' soldier than I do ANY politician.

Weekend from Hell

2006-10-31T18:21:00.000-08:00

SERIOUSLY!!!! ONE OF THE WORST WEEKENDS (besides Friday-jewelry party) I'VE HAD IN A VERY LONG TIME.

Saturday was supposed to be a great day. A day off work - Yippeee! Not so much. I slept til about 1pm. It came at a cost as I woke up and began my dance with evil. I have plans to see my neice dance at 7pm so I go to the grocery store around 6pm to get some stuff for my kids and their friends that are spending the night. My son had his friend Cody over and Jamea had a friend from across the street over. I get home after the store only to find Larry, the kids, and actually the whole neighborhood freaking out because the electricity went out. I thought at first 'damn did I miss my payment arrangement with Xcel?' Thank God that wasn't the cause. I'm not sure what was but the whole block was out. My daughter decides to go over to her friends house to stay cause we weren't sure how long the elec. would be out. Cool. Larry was being a complete DICK as usual, so I decide to have my nephew's friend stay the night so he can watch the boys in the morning while I work - til 11am. Cool. I'm thinking the elec. is going to come on soon, it has to, right? Nope it doesn't. Around 7pm elec still isn't on and I decide instead of seeing my niece dance to take the boys to BK, we eat, they play for a while, we leave. Elec still not on. It's 8:30 now. We sit here in the dark with mega candles flickering, the boys are getting bored. I take them over to my sister's house, they decide to stay there so they can watch tv and play Xbox. My nephew's friend was okay with that - he's part of the family so no big deal. Cool. I come home freeze my ass off and finally elec comes on at 2am. I'm thinking things are okay now. Then my gas/CO alarm goes off, I have to call Xcel at 2:15 to have them come back out to make sure there's no gas leak. I get the all clear, maybe get another hour of sleep and off to work I go. No one is at my house now. 'Shit' I'm thinking, 'what if Jamea tries to walk home (across the street) and the door is locked and no one is home?' I call the neighbor whom I insist on calling John when his name is Allen. He says Jamea already left. 'Shit, shit, shit.' He goes outside to try and find Jamea to tell her to go back to his house and he finds the Sartell PD talking to Jamea. I guess she was knocking on the door, crying for about a half hour before the neighbor called the police. As he tells me this I feel like the worst mother in the world. How could I let that happen? Anyway, the PO brought her to my job and she hung out with me for a while. My sister picked her up and that was the end of that. My neighbors now think I'm crazy (I was trying to avoid that), the PD probably has me on their shit list, and I just feel horrible. I get off work, get my kids, take Jarod's friend home, go home, carve pumpkins - Oh what a treat! - do the normal nightly stuff which sucks all the time and finally I get to go to bed - my favorite time of the day. I felt like I had competed in a Triathalon and lost my ass. Anyway, I couldn't wait to get to work yesterday. Work is my sanctuary. As sad as that is. Hope your weekend was better. NEEDLESS TO SAY WE WON'T BE HAVING ANY SLEEPOVERS ANYTIME SOON.

Thanks for the shoulder.

Momentos dificiles

2006-10-29T14:11:00.000-08:00

Tough times are upon me. Some people think shit is always hard for me. Not really. Usually things are pretty good. I'm a happy person. I'm low maintenance, don't need a lot to be happy. I think I handle stress pretty well. I don't know.

Financially, I need to figure things out. Okay, so I shouldn't have spent money at the jewelry party. That's okay though, I don't regret it. I need stuff for me. Without the occasional splurge on myself, I would go crazy. By occasion splurge, I really mean occasional. Not every month or even every three. How about every six months I will buy something nice for myself, like a new outfit for work, or jewelry - I'm so excited!!! I can't wait to get it and wear it! And the party will be fun. I had a great time just hanging out with you guys at the apartment. Sorry about the bar, I'm not very fun there. It gets boring quick when you don't drink. I still had a good time chatting though.

Anyway, emotionally/mentally, I'm drained. I'm in the mode where I will snap on anyone right now if they ask me for anything. I mean anything. All I hear between the kids and L. is 'I need... ', 'I want...', 'You need to give me...' Aargh. If I hear that anymore someone will be sorry.

It would be nice to hear instead, 'I know Mom.' 'Ok Mom.' 'Thanks Jamie' from (L.). 'Why don't I take the kids to my house so you can take some time to relax and do what you want?'
'How was your day?' 'How are you?' You know stuff like that. Never happens. As soon as I talk to or hear from the kids or Larry, demands start to fly. Of course I don't take it too well and all three of them get some lip about it from me. I don't want to be like that though. I don't like my sharp tounge sometimes. I really feel bad when the day is over. I love my kids but right now I'm not 'liking' them much. I feel a shift coming on. There will be 2 temporarily unhappy children in my household if they don't heed the warning and KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Anyway, other than that life is great. Job = great. Sleep = great. Music = great. Good friends = great.

Later.

Nothin Special

2006-10-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

Hm. I haven't blogged in a while. My life is pretty uneventful lately. I made spaghetti tonight, cleaned up my mess, listened to a new CD - Rahsaan Patterson. Good CD. I don't like all of the songs but most are pretty cool.

The kids have showered and I think we're all ready for bed. It's sad. I never thought I'd be going to bed at 8:30. Just a short couple of years ago I was up til 1/2 am drinking. I'd get up at 5 in the morning and do it all over again. Bed time is the best time of the day for me. I can actually relax, do some daydreaming and go to sleep. I have to say my favorite thing to do besides laughing is sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping and dreaming, for quite a few nights in a row I dreamt (?spelling) about people at work. They were all pretty good dreams. Of course they were guys. One of the dreams had everyone in it, with a main character. It's pretty wierd the next day when you see that person. I feel like they 'know' that they were in the dream. You're probably thinking they were sexual in nature but they weren't. Thank god they weren't - that would be extra wierd. They were just plain old dreams. Too hard to recall verbally much less writing it down.

Anyway, that's life right now. Hope everyone is doing well.

Here's a quote: "Problems have only the size and the power that you give them". S.H.

alcoholism

2006-10-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

I just felt like putting this down. Not sure why. Alcoholism sucks. One thought in my head once in a while is can I really go 15 or more years without drinking - at all? I just can't wrap my head around that one. It's been a little over a year and a half now. I'm happier than I've ever been which is what keeps me sober. I know how I would feel by having that one drink. Not only would I want more I would feel so ashamed, I'd want to drink again and again to escape myself. So I go day by day, literally. I made it through today not even wanting to drink. How about tomorrow? I gave myself one out - it's probably wrong but hey, sue me. The only time I would allow myself to drink is if something horrible happened to one of my children. I would drink myself silly. I would be a basket case anyway - why not just go all the way with it at a time of desperation. I would never really wish anything to happen to my children so that's good. I don't really even want to drink anymore. If my insurance will cover it, I'm going to try that new medication to help me stop smoking. It's called Chantix. It curves the cravings by occupying the part of your brain that nicotine occupies. Also it blocks the effects of nicotine so even if you do smoke your body doesn't get it - basically wasting money. I think I'm ready to quit smoking. I love life. I'm now addicted to loving life, my job, my kids. I want to live as long as I can.
For any alcoholic reading this - there really is life after drinking. It's hard to imagine, I know. Life is what you make of it. If your miserable, stop being miserable. If your happy, keep being happy. It's that simple. I made the decision a long time ago that I didn't want to be miserable. Although it has taken a few years, I finally made it. My new goal, besides quitting smoking, is to get rid of the miserables around me, wackly/SD you know who I'm talking about. That's the hardest part for me. It'll happen. Not sure how, not sure when, but it will.

2006-09-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

PET PEEVES

One of my pet peeves is when my kids put blankets or pillows on the floor. It absolutely drives me insane!!!! They are throw pillows that belong on the couch - they don't belong on the floor!!!! And despite their name - they aren't meant to be thrown!!!! And blankets - meant to be spread out at the park for a picnic - not in the middle of the living room floor - K?

Another: When I see how other people put dishes away - Damn it - Stack the cups in the cupboard! They don't all get their own space. I don't have enough space not to stack cups!!! Just listen to me and stack the damn cups!!!! please?

I'm sure I'll think of more some other time.

2006-09-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

WORK REVIEW

I had my review for work on Wednesday. I was a little dissapointed I didn't get a raise this time; not due to me performance thankfully. They started me out higher than they normally do, guess they were desperate to get someone in there lol. Also they gave me a raise at 2 mos instead of now - can't complain about that. I will qualify for another on my next review in 6 mos. so that will work for me.

I'm still liking the job - working on my time management/getting all tasks completed in timely fashion. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my job so I tend to go a little slower at first to perfect the task. Once I feel I've gotten something down that's not a problem. I should be able to improve within the 6 mos. Also they keep adding things for me to do. I love it for that reason - I'm constantly learning something about that place. Last night I volunteered for OT in the warehouse doing inventory. I got to go up on the forklift/pallet - I'm afraid of heights so that was scary at first, by the end of the night I felt completely comfortable. I had a blast to hanging out with the guys too!!!

Fantasy football and the football pool at work is going well. I'm 1-1 for my team on our fantasy league and # 2 overall right now (after 2 weeks) with 24 right picks on the work football pool. I want that half tire with the football coming through!!!! I haven't actually seen it, but for bragging rights I WANT IT! So now I have to study and make my picks for the week. If you have any tips let me know - all information is useful information!!!! Chicago or the Vikings? I'm having a dilemma as a true Viking fan. I want to win but don't want to sell out my team. What's a girl to do?

Kids are good - we're going through a meltdown phase with Jarod recently - I don't think he's feeling well right now. I remember when I was little, it was hard to adjust to school starting. My responsibility is to make it better with a regular schedule etc.... That is the worst mothering skill I have. At least I'm aware of it and trying to make it better.

Dum d dum d dum (fingernails tapping the desk). That's it. Peace.

2006-09-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

funny commercial

I saw a funny commercial tonight. Forgive me, my story telling isn't up to par. Of course - it has to do with football!

A cashier takes his place behind the register in a grocery store and turns on his light to let people know he's open. He yells, "I'm open!" Then you see a big, good-looking football kinda guy standing in the aisle, he picks up some type of fruit or something from his basket and then whips the ball at the cashier, hitting him in the head cause of course when he said he was open he didn't really mean that. The commercial ends with the "It must be football season"

I told you the story telling wasn't great but you get the jist. You'd have to see it but I found it hilarious.

Speaking of football, I need Oakland to win right now!!! If they win, I win this weeks football pool at work. I would love to rub the boys' noses in it tomorrow. Besides that, I would win $15. Please let Oakland win, please let Oakland win, please let Oakland win. Go Raiders!!!!

shiskabob - San Diego is at the 1 yrd line, score's already 3-0 Chargers.

Please let Raiders win, please let Raiders win, please let Raiders win.

No!!!!! Again SHISKABOB:( They got a touchdown. It's 10-0 Chargers. AAArrrrrgggggg.

If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let me at em'. LOL Could you see it? Me and my bad-ass 4' 11" self. Now that would be hilarious. And Ooh la la - a buncha men in uniform. Perfect.

Gotta go.

Wish the Raiders luck!!!! Please!!!!!!

2006-09-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about: If this is what SD wanted me to do - peerrtty sure?!
I want to: Go skydiving and learn guitar - not at the same time of course .
I wish: For financial comfort.
I hear: My kids arguing.
I wonder: How people can be so cruel.
I regret: Nothing really - I am who I am today because of those horrible, selfish, stupid moments in life.
I am: Worried about my children's future.
I dance: Alone - not in front of people, sitting down.
I sing: Also in the car.
I cry: Rarely; usually over something others think I shouldn't be crying about. Things others cry about, I don't. Not sure what's up with that.
I make with my hands: obscene gestures. (thanks for that one SD)
I write: About my experiences. I don't have an imagination.
I confuse: Myself.
I need: A real man. (not really need)
And finally: what was the point of this? Self awareness.

I tag:

Everyone who reads this - does anyone read this?
Rand?
Wackly?
Frankles?
Anyone?

2006-08-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help it

So I couldn't help not having the last word. I emailed him (hanger upper). It was a matter of fact email with the preface of defending myself. Of course, I was right, he emailed me back. Damn it - this could go on and on. I'm not going to contact him any more though. I've had enough. I feel better now that I've defended myself a little and his email back to me wasn't so harsh. At least things can be left somewhat civil. I hate bad endings - that feeling of hatred or dislike that just lingers. It's not good for the soul - like chicken soup, ya know.

My kids had sleepovers again last night. My house of course is a disaster area. My living room is calling my name, begging for help.

If I had one superpower, it would be like Samantha on Bewitched - you know - the nose twitch thing. I could clean this house up like crazy. Anyway, I'm not her so gotta go clean. Peace out.

2006-08-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

Run no more

Or get in better shape. Those are my choices.

This weekend I went down to Owatonna to visit my Mom and to take the kids to the County fair. My sister and her kids, Tyler and Erika, and Tyler's Friend (Jeremy) also went. I love hanging out with them. Now that they're older we can talk about anything - even adult stuff - it's actually hilarious. Anyway, my nephew drove down with me and we were talking about Football practice and his conditioning week, etc.... That conversation turns into an idea. 'Hey, I should try to run the 40 (yard dash) and see what my time is.' Of course I think I'm as fast as I was in High School. Well, I'm not. Yikes. We get to my Mom's house and mark 40 yards and start running. OMG! It was acually dangerous for me as my balance was horrible, I almost fell to the ground every single time. I did it about 3 times and I made it in 7.7 (seconds). My son can run it in 7.2 - he's nine.
And because that went so well (lol) I decide to play some 2 on 2 football. wtf was I thinking? My arms and legs feel like they are going to fall off.

Lesson learned: I need to get in shape. That is my goal the rest of the year. Once September rolls around, and finances start to get a little better, I'm going to join a gym and make myself go. I know it's going to be hard to do. It's something I've wanted for a long time though. I want to be in shape. No more jiggly stuff - I want to be a little more solid. Solid but soft is my goal. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

ps. Still no word from hanger upper. I'm having a hard time not having the last word. I feel like emailing him again just to get the last word, but I'm sure he'll respond and it will end up in the same place. I need to let it be.

2006-08-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

Neighborhood Drama

I miss the good old days in my apartment, no neighbors, no drama. One of my neighbors is a crazy lady and her daughter is even crazier. Both are extremely nosy and backstabbing. They say one thing to your face and a completely different thing to the other neighbor, or my kids and it gets back to me. I just wanna punch someone. One of the other neighbors is too good for anyone. Because she doesn't want her little boy playing with guns she wants the whole neighborhood to embrace that idea. My son is 9 and he loves to play cops and robbers, army games, and hunting games. I won't do that. So my son isn't supposed to play with guns around that child. It seems to work okay but her son will just come over whenever. I don't think Jarod should have to stop what he's doing to follow that rule. So I just stopped enforcing it. If she wants her child to run lose around the neighborhood that's for her to deal with, not me.

The other neighbors seem to be okay. My son's best friend that lives across the street is allowed to play with the guns but he can't watch Football because it's too violent. Yeah, you heard me. I haven't figured out the reasoning behind that one yet. Not sure that I will. I love Football too much to ever agree to that point of view.

I'm just fed up with the bullshit. This one can't play with that one and if my kids play with the one that one can't play with then they can't play with the other one. It really is as stupid as it sounds. It makes no sense.

On the brighter side of the issue, my kids are learning a lot from this experience. They are learning how to negotiate and the importance of being responsible for your actions. They know that their actions can and probably will bring some form of drama from the neighbors. They have been behaving a little better since all this has started. Also it gives me a chance to talk to the kids about what's going on and get their opinion. My daughter surprised me with her adult-like attitude when she said, "We should all sign a contract." It blew me away. She didn't know what the punishments would be for breaking the contract but she was sure it was a good idea. I am considering it. I would like to set up a meeting between all of the parents in our area and come to an agreement of some sort as far as time and behaviors go. The only problem I have is that I don't trust the other parents at all - I can see them blaming everything on my children and because I know my children don't always do the right things, I would have a hard time discerning who's telling the truth in any given situation. Once I figure that part out I'll probably go forward with the meeting idea.

Beside the neighborhood crap, work has been crap too. It seems as if all of my mistakes come back to bite me in the ass within the same few days. On top of that because I'm a nice person at work, well, the newer person, and one of two out of the whole group who do anything for our safety committee, I get stuck with being co-chair. Okay so I'm thinking it shouldn't be so bad. Then I find out that the co-chair is automatically the chairperson when the prior chair steps down. I don't have time for that crap!!!! I know it's a good experience, something to put on the resume. That's the only reason I agreed.

I'm wondering if the craziness of late is the lovely thing we call karma - what did I do or not do to bring on the chaos within the past week or so? I'm just not able to focus lately. My mind is wandering on my money issues, neighborhood issues, hanger upper/men issues. I need a vacation.

I'm hoping things will settle down after school starts. I may be hoping for too much. Only time can tell.

Enough bitching. Thanks for reading.

Hasta la vista

2006-08-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

MORE FOOTBALL

I signed up for Fantasy Football tonight. I haven't picked all of my players yet. Of course I need to take a crashcourse this weekend - do my reasearch. I am psyched though. Those boys think they can beat me. Ha - we'll see who has the last laugh. (Of course I don't expect to win this thing but I'm sure gonna try.) Does beginner's luck apply here? I hope so.

If you have any tips, advice, etc... Please comment.

nighty-night ch'yall.

2006-08-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

Hanger upper emailed me today. It was a very shitty email. Something to the effect of 'we'll never be more than friends cause I ask if he's mad.' Okay. Here's my problem with that. IF YOU ALWAYS ACT MAD - DON'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO THINK YOUR NOT (EVEN IF YOU TOLD THEM 3 MONTHS AGO THEIR NOT MAD MUCH - IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF THAT'S HOW YOUR ACTING!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I was a little upset at first, I cried a little. I was on the verge of tears anyway - that just put me over. Now I'm better - great actually. Good fuckin riddins (? spelling -don't give a shit). You can only run into a fuckin brick wall so many times before you wanna fuckin give up, ya know. I don't need that shit. He's fucking paranoid. Oh and he had the nerve to say that I expected him to act a certain way, say a certain thing etc..... What the fuck? And he doesn't?? I mean really, get off it - stop being so damn paranoid and just fucking live. JEEZ!!! Be a fuckin man, understand women are different than you are. We are feeling beings. If you don't want a feeling woman - swing the other fuckin way. Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh. Sorry about the F bombs y'all - I'm just angry - can you tell?

On the other hand. I still FEEL a little of that, 'What the Fuck is wrong with me.' feeling. It might hurt; sometimes the truth does. But if people don't know, they stay the same way and wonder 'what the fuck is wrong with me?'

Okay I'm gonna stop feeling and become a heartless bitch with no emotion. Is that better? Jes** mother fu**** Ch****!!!!!!

And you men think women are irrational. Holy shit.

Sorry y'all, just venting.

Later - hopefully in a better mood.

2006-08-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Football

Tonight was the 'superbowl' for my son's 3-4th grade flag football summer league. This is almost the best part of my summer, for a few different reasons. I love being the Mom that shows up. I do when I can, which is most of the time. I think it's so important for kids to know that Mom and Dad are there for them in their shining hour. I'm always saddened when I see Parents dropping the kids off, literally, while barely slowing down to let the little munchkins get out.

Observing your children in a team atmosphere is important. Now, my son may act differently if he knows I'm not there, I can't be certain. What I have seen is encouraging. Now this may seem like a small insignificant observation to you, but for me it spoke volumes of my son's character. I noticed when one of the children's flags were pulled and lying on the ground, he would pick it up and hand it to the person it belonged to. So many times I see boys walk around it, careful not to step on it, waiting for it's rightful owner to pick it up. Other times I see boys pick it up and 'throw' it at/to the person it belongs to. Throw it...hmm...flags don't fly well and usually end up back on the ground again where the rightful owner has to pick it up. These types of actions, for me, represent respect or lack there of.

Another thing I noticed is my son's tendency to share. He shares the ball, cause that's what you do in football. At least in this flag football league, everyone should get a turn. Coach makes sure of that when he's observing, as does the referee, though not as well (it's an age thing). It infuriates me when there are 2-3 players on the team that have to do everything. When they're quarterback, they have to run it; let someone else touch the ball? no way Jose. If they're not, well they ususally end up with the ball - hogging. Someone needs to teach these children to take turns. Mommy and Daddy should have taught little Billy that being a ball hog is bad - not good.

Now, I don't say anything. I do talk with my son about actions and consequences. I do tell him to speak his mind, but to do it carefully, without disrespecting others. At least I try, anyway. That's my intention. I tell him to speak up when he hasn't had a turn at a specific position, but don't push, physically or with a crappy tone. I'm proud of him. He has a heart of gold and a laugh that's contagious. He's common sense smart, unlike myself at that age. Oh, the joys of motherhood. I talk a lotta shit about how horrible it is to be a Mom, but deep down, I love every minute of it, especially after days like today.

Oh another reason I love summer flag football...I forgot to mention. Ooh la la, good looking men who love football. (Yes, I'm talking about the fathers, coaches, referees). Jeez.

Until next time bloggers and bloggettes.
peace

2006-07-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'ts been a week. Nothing exciting has been happening really. I lead a pretty boring life.
- Hanger upper and I are still talking.
- Work has been a little stressful
- 'Dipshit' is still...stressful
- The kids, well guess what? You got it! Stressful

Which one do I wanna talk about? hmmm. I pick work.

I love my job. I do a lot of different things, unfortunately none of them enough to master because I'm too busy doing too many different things. See the problem with that? I'm the type I want to know how to do everything right. Being rational, I know that's not possible. But at work you'd think I'd have something that I know how to do well. Ok, so I can answer the phone pretty well, I guess. How hard is it. All I have to say is good morning/afternoon, the business name, my name. Most of the time I get to correct the doll (thanks for that one dirty). The calls that are for me are billing questions or request for invoice copies. Nothing too exciting.
I love applying payments, credits etc.... I hate making the collection calls. It's okay, I guess. I don't get yelled at, at least. I talk to commercial customers mainly and in order for them to pay us they need to get paid from their customers, so they understand....it's just business. I have to take care of this account we call route delivery. It's very difficult to manage because of the volume and turn around so that I've had some struggles with it. I'm getting better at it though.
I'm in the process of becoming responsible for printing statements. I did this on my own for the first time on Wed. There were a couple mishaps, but all in all it went well. I was surprised. The main task that I deal with constantly is putting together the daily paperwork for all of our stores 16 in total. Most of the managers do a good job with their paperwork, but there are a couple that I just want to call and ask 'How many times do we have to ask you?' to do something a certain way. Some of them just don't give a shit - they keep their jobs regarless and their used to doing it a certain way - so their not going to change. Needless to say, I hate opening their envelopes.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm tired. it's 12:12 am and I have to get up at 4:30a to get ready for work, the other job.

2006-07-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Right now

It's Saturday night, I'm home with four children but I only have two. Hm. 2 of the four then must belong to someone else. Oh yes, I remember, I said ok to a sleepover. I'm such an idiot. Why can't I just be a dorky, mean Mom? OK, so I'm dorky, but I don't think I'm seen as the meanest. Both of their friends live across the street which is nice. At least if something happens home is just one punt away. They are at the age now where they entertain themselves, which is also a plus.

Bad part: No quiet evening for Mommy. I started out the evening out by telling the kids, no friends in the house today. They are smart children, I'll give them that. Slowly working the friends in without me knowing it and then because they are behaving so well, I let them stay. That turned into, "it's okay with her/his mom/dad." Okay so then I feel guilty. Just one of those things. I work at 5:30 in the morning and I have this feeling dipshit has permanently hibernated in the bedroom. He won't be of any assistance but then again he wouldn't anyway so it's probably best. Just the sound of his voices stresses me out. I think I'm allergic.

Anyway, I'm going to clean now and round up all of these crumb snatchers from outside.

2006-07-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

I found the saying that will go on my stone, hopefully in the very distant future. Don't hate, I'm a realist.
Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face, or love in the eyes of a woman.
Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain
Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week
Take by bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil.

Give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you.

If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.

- Robert N. Test

2006-07-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

Why 'On The Edge'?

Cause I am. Seriously. Financially, emotionally, mentally, you name it. I, like many Americans these days, am 1 paycheck away from despair. 1 paycheck away from homelessness, struggling to feed my children and teach them something I know nothing about: saving. Of course, I know what saving is. I know why we need to do it. They say to have at least 6 months of your house payment in savings. Did my parents teach me how? Hell no! My parents were so bad with money, I'm surprised I even have what I have. I can honestly say there are 2 things my parents gave me that keep me treading water: a strong work ethic and the importance of treating people kindly, with respect (I'd like to think I do this anyway). Oh yeah, I got me butt from my Mom, but that's not relevant to money. Well, yes, it could be... That's definitely another blog.

So I consistently owe more than I take in. I'm in the (red), big time. Larry is taking his sweet old time checking on insurance for the kids, meanwhile I'm paying $300 per month now on significantly less pay than at Astound. He barely pays me $300 for "child support" - what about all the other expenses? They didn't go away!!!! Shit, If I was still drinking, I would be homeless. Thank God for that at least!

I have some ideas. Some are just ideas, others can and probably will at some point be put into play.

Where can I get some easy money? My first thought, and most crazy, thus on the edge: prostitution. If I knew how (yes you have to know the right people) and felt good enough about my physical self, I probably would. Fuck the morals, no pun intended. I need money. Of course this option is just an idea, because I actually have morals, not enough confidence, and just don't think I could pull it off, literally. I really wouldn't want to anyway. Just a fleeting thought, 'damn it, that sounds so easy, I'm jealous of those that can do this'.

Next option: try to get a loan/refinance the house. Sell my soul to the devil, that is the bank, pay outrageous interest, and just get further into debt. Ok, as a last resort, maybe. I'll do anything, except the option above, to not do this.

Third and probably best option: Put an add in the paper offering babysitting/daycare services from 6pm-6am. It would technically be my 3rd job, at least it's at home. This I'm seriously considering.

Finally, I've thought about getting a roommate; of course someone single who scares children, so my kids will tone it down a little for fear of what could happen to them. Problems: home just wouldn't be home anymore; my daughter would be moving into my room with me, toys and all; finding someone we can trust to that extent-almost impossible.

All options, possible-not all so smart. Winning the lottery is definitely the best option.

What's a girl to do? So goes life. Nothing to do but keep plugging away. When I make the mistake of spending too much or not saving enough, there's always tomorrow. If there isn't a tomorrow, well, I'm dead and it just doesn't matter any more.

2006-07-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

The tube.

I finally sat down for the first time in months and watched a movie. Literally it has been months since I've sat on the couch for more than, lets say 15 minutes, to watch tv. It just can't hold my attention. Besides, my children absolutely ruin tv viewing.

I watched Madea's Family Reunion. It wasn't as humorous as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, there were some hilarious parts, but there were also more serious moments than I had expected.

The one thing I came away thinking was..."I want to be Madea's type of disciplinarian." She put the smack down on pretty much everyone in her life, especially the children. You can't help but to want to be around her (character that is - yes I know that's a dude). I want to be in that family. How fun would that be? If you haven't seen it, you should. If you have and didn't like it, you should get checked.

2006-07-02T20:44:00.002-07:00

From Each Day a New Beginning - Karen Casey

Laughter can cure a physical condition; it can and will positively affect an emotional illness as well. Laughter ushers in a new perspective which gives vent to a changed attitude toward any situation, any individual, is all-powerful.
A negative, critical attitude toward our financial situation, toward our boss, spouse, or children, determines how we feel moment by moment. In like manner, when we raise our sights, look at the world with lightness in our hearts, expecting to enjoy the day, the people, the activity, we'll succeed.
Choosing a humorous response, opting to laugh at our situation, at any point in time, keeps our personal power where it belongs - with ourselves.

2006-07-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. I have plenty that I have to do. What I want to do just isn't possible at the moment. This is the story of my life. I try to want to do what needs to be done but it just isn't materializing.

Besides that, I think it's been too long...if you know what I mean. A little personal I know, but oh how it's the truth.

As far as the "boy" drama goes, well, the same I guess.

Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS. That's my new take on life. How can it be anything different?

2006-06-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

Work, work, work, work, work.

See how f'd up that looks? Try typing it over and over, pretty soon it doesn't look like a real word.

I love work at my job. I don't have anyone looking over my shoulder, not literally anyway. I hate work at home. Yes, I mean children. Hey you...you with kids, you know what I'm talkin about. Ugh. If God really knew what he was doing he would have made it harder to procreate. I'm probably not the worst Mom in the world, but I'm definitely not an award winner. For those of you without kids, kudos. I'm jealous, not envious, really jealous. My dumb ass had to have kids out of wedlock with dipship. I thought I was so smart when I was young. I got good grades, that's it...not an ounce of self respect, confidence, or common sense. Now that I'm older and of course a little wiser I see the err of my ways. Can I get a do-over?

Anyway, I still do dumb shit. I'm still talking to the "hanger upper". We hashed out our miscommunication. Not really sure what the hell I'm doing. Oh well, I'll figure it out eventually.

Right now, that's all my life consists of.

Oh yeah, it's been over 1 1/2 years y'all! Not a drop of alcohol. Oh boy though, what I wouldn't give for a guiltless, drunken, what the hell happened night. It's
f-itty ucked up to think that way, I know. My resolve is still strong, no worries.

Hope everyone who reads this is doing well. Down with those that don't.

Peace.

2006-06-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

Of course life wouldn't be grand without baby's daddy drama. Dipshit (my name for my kids' father) has decided that he's mad at me so he's going to go to Chicago for a break. Fuck our arrangement for him to watch OUR kids while I WORK 2 JOBS!!! He doesn't work, gets free money and just can't handle being a babysitter for his own kids. Ok, so I understand the whole I need a break thing. Can't that be planned? I don't even care about what he does as long as it doesn't affect my work performance. We don't live together, have never been married and I'm supposed to stick around and just be happy with that? I don't think so. Sure, our dysfunctional relationship or lack there of is a sweet deal sometimes. He cleans my house, does my laundry, watches the kids etc... Meanwhile I work my you know what off. From the outside looking in it sounds great. I'm not that type of person. I want a partner. I want someone to back me up during the rough times, ya know? I don't want to struggle with money like I do because we can't live together, share the bills and the responsibilities. He says its because I smoke cigarettes. I don't necessarily want to live with him either cause he smokes his crack, yet somehow in his twisted, drug damaged mind, what he does isn't as bad. Ugh! I just want to scream. I know I can't just run away but I will sure be dreaming about it tonight.

2006-06-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

It took a couple of days but by yesterday I was feeling pretty good; over the BS that had taken place over the weekend. My "give a damn is broken" (thanks to some country song) attitude finally started to kick into high gear. Life seemed optimistic once again. Then bam!!!
I check my account and see a picture of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh saying he's sorry; of course sent by the hanger upper. I was thrilled to get an apology but now I'm confused. I sent a picture of Buttercup from the PowerPuff Girls with a scowl on her face and arms crossed and wrote 'it's okay' above the picture. Wonder what he's thinking? I understand wanting to hang up on someone but, daaaaamn!! - you don't know me like that!!! Give a girl some warning at least.
Anyway that's where I'm at. Later.

2006-06-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

boy trouble update

So he hasn't called or emailed me. He hasn't completely deleted me either. What the *!@* I know, I know, get over it your saying. Easier said than done. Things like this drive me crazy. Do I really email him and apologize? I'm almost afraid to know what he really thinks.
Anyway, besides the obsession with what happened, today was a pretty good day. I worked until 11am, slept on and off till 4pm, did some shopping and came home. I can't wait to get to work tomorrow to restore some normalcy to my life. I can get away from the kids without feeling guilty, be crazy busy so the day goes fast, and get paid all the while. I only got a .22 raise - kinda pissed. It's a little better than nothing, close to....horse shit. Oh well, all in due time I guess.