Thinking and thinking...realized this about my alcoholism:
I was in recovery for 3 yrs. I relapsed, still trying to figure out how to get back to sobriety. There are so many reasons I drink.
Sobriety was absolutely amazing. I was still depressed, but physically I felt better. I felt better about myself.
Gradually, I started thinking about never drinking again. How could I possibly NEVER drink again?
I was addicted to sobriety. Sobriety was my alcohol for those three years. When I didn't feel that anymore, I went back to a drinking.
It took me at least a year before to commit myself to rehab. I have to consider what's available now, without insurance and more on the line.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, May 18, 2009
Is it nagging...really?
5 baskets of laundry for $23.00 at the laundrymat.
By myself, after gathering and sorting, I haul all baskets to car, out of car into laundrymat, wash/dry/fold, haul from laundrymat to car and from car back into house, and then put away. Perhaps it annoys me a little that most of the laundry belongs to children and boyfriend. It's not the part that bothers me the most, however.
I set up a pile/basket of whites and colors in our dirty laundry area. As I'm arranging I am thinking it's going to save me time and it's obvious. To my disappointment, it wasn't either. Within the first hour of putting in the work of doing laundry I find colors in the whites and whites in the colors...not to mention the clothes that are just thrown on the floor in any given room.
I believe that everyone has a certain amount of patience stored in their reservoir of character. I'm running a little low right now. If I see one more white sock or t-shirt in the colors pile or one more pair of jeans in the whites pile I might just snap. I have explained with frustration to everyone in the household that there are 2 piles, sorted by color. I tell each and everyone of them, "It's not rocket science. Your dirty whites go in the dirty whites pile and your dirty colors go in the dirty colors pile."
I know for a fact that no one in this household is that stupid. I'm ignored until they need clean clothes. I'm the nagger, the bad guy, a spaz as my son puts it.
My problem here: The piles are right next to each other, it's really not difficult to position your throwing arm 25 degrees left or right to get it in the right pile. No one in the household is color blind.
It doesn't stop at laundry either. Putting garbage IN the garbage can and RINSING dishes after use or two other pains in my ass that I just can't ask nicely about anymore. I even call my children to view the garbage on the floor inches away from the garbage or the un-rinsed dishes in the sink/on the counter. They look at me like I'M crazy.
I am actually surprised by the whole thing. Really??? Wow, it just sucks for everyone involved.
By myself, after gathering and sorting, I haul all baskets to car, out of car into laundrymat, wash/dry/fold, haul from laundrymat to car and from car back into house, and then put away. Perhaps it annoys me a little that most of the laundry belongs to children and boyfriend. It's not the part that bothers me the most, however.
I set up a pile/basket of whites and colors in our dirty laundry area. As I'm arranging I am thinking it's going to save me time and it's obvious. To my disappointment, it wasn't either. Within the first hour of putting in the work of doing laundry I find colors in the whites and whites in the colors...not to mention the clothes that are just thrown on the floor in any given room.
I believe that everyone has a certain amount of patience stored in their reservoir of character. I'm running a little low right now. If I see one more white sock or t-shirt in the colors pile or one more pair of jeans in the whites pile I might just snap. I have explained with frustration to everyone in the household that there are 2 piles, sorted by color. I tell each and everyone of them, "It's not rocket science. Your dirty whites go in the dirty whites pile and your dirty colors go in the dirty colors pile."
I know for a fact that no one in this household is that stupid. I'm ignored until they need clean clothes. I'm the nagger, the bad guy, a spaz as my son puts it.
My problem here: The piles are right next to each other, it's really not difficult to position your throwing arm 25 degrees left or right to get it in the right pile. No one in the household is color blind.
It doesn't stop at laundry either. Putting garbage IN the garbage can and RINSING dishes after use or two other pains in my ass that I just can't ask nicely about anymore. I even call my children to view the garbage on the floor inches away from the garbage or the un-rinsed dishes in the sink/on the counter. They look at me like I'M crazy.
I am actually surprised by the whole thing. Really??? Wow, it just sucks for everyone involved.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
not working
I thought I was over the lay-off, but an emotional and mental residue remains at times.
I'm still angry over the fact that I actually wanted to be at the job every day, but I knew other people didn't. Other people who surfed the net, had time to complete surveys and shop online while at work, always complained about the job, told me that he/she will do what people asked of them 'when he/she had time', did other jobs while at the job (literally) etc... Seriously? Am I the only one who knew this? Doubt it. So...WTF?
I'm disappointed that I put all of me into this job for 3 years and got absolutely nothing back. It was only about what you weren't doing right. They are in a PANIC...lay off as many people as you possibly can phase. Maybe a great move temporarily...but, of course, not productive in the long run. I try not to take it personally. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, my work ethic is a big part of me. I will go on, finish school and find another job. Not too often in a person's life do you love the job or it's people. I am lucky to have experienced both, just not together. As I ponder, I realize that I am fortunate to have what I have left after losing most everything I knew, not more than a year ago, literally. I lost my house, 2 jobs, my ex, my sobriety, and friends. The only constant in my life is the family. That's all that matters in the end anyway. I am itching for something more and I can't wait to go back to school, buy a house with a new love, and start anew. The kids are doing awsome, getting good grades and most importantly are happy:) What doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger. It's not a myth.
I'm still angry over the fact that I actually wanted to be at the job every day, but I knew other people didn't. Other people who surfed the net, had time to complete surveys and shop online while at work, always complained about the job, told me that he/she will do what people asked of them 'when he/she had time', did other jobs while at the job (literally) etc... Seriously? Am I the only one who knew this? Doubt it. So...WTF?
I'm disappointed that I put all of me into this job for 3 years and got absolutely nothing back. It was only about what you weren't doing right. They are in a PANIC...lay off as many people as you possibly can phase. Maybe a great move temporarily...but, of course, not productive in the long run. I try not to take it personally. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, my work ethic is a big part of me. I will go on, finish school and find another job. Not too often in a person's life do you love the job or it's people. I am lucky to have experienced both, just not together. As I ponder, I realize that I am fortunate to have what I have left after losing most everything I knew, not more than a year ago, literally. I lost my house, 2 jobs, my ex, my sobriety, and friends. The only constant in my life is the family. That's all that matters in the end anyway. I am itching for something more and I can't wait to go back to school, buy a house with a new love, and start anew. The kids are doing awsome, getting good grades and most importantly are happy:) What doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger. It's not a myth.
Monday, March 09, 2009
and life...
Hey, I can't complain. I got laid off a week ago Friday. They told me it was the economy and that I had the least seniority. I have been through the hurt, the anger, feelings of betrayal, and now I'm in a place of acceptance. I'm determined to finish school. I loved the job because it was comfortable. I had the privelege of talking to all types of people daily, yet getting my down time to do paperwork. I thought it was perfect. I realize now that it wasn't. If I'm not challenged and learning new things, I'm just getting by. I have to learn and be challenged to be truely happy. That is the reason I have taken the path in life that I have, with the people that I have. It's the reason I am who I am today, with no regret. So, I'm thankful. I get to start a new challenge in my life. I'm in a great place right now with my kids, my relationships, my determination, motivation etc... GOD...greatful is good:) And just for the record, my use of GOD is in no way referring to a certain religion. Higher Power just doesn't fit in the sentence. My God is different than his, hers, and the other. I have what I have, feel what I feel, and do what I do. In no way do I wish I was someone else. I lost my house, my ex, my job(s), and everything I knew less than one year ago. I've been closer to death than ever in my life, yet, I'm happier than I've ever been. I just can't complain. Life is good. Seriously though, some people should not be sticking other people with needles:)
some people...
Some people, as my experience has re-enforced today, should not be sticking other people with needles.
If you work in the health care industry, especially in a lab taking blood, and cannot finger poke someone without fucking up, you should definitely not me sticking anyone with a needle.
It's always the same person, always asking for my right hand. I know who you are. I'm not a mean person, but seriously, it's not good and I'm just tired of being nice about it. Two weeks in a row now, a finger poke (no matter how insignificant it may be) should not be this painful. I shouldn't have a fucking cut on my finger!!! I gave birth to two children, I really do know pain. The fact is that going to lab to get a finger poke should just not piss me off this much!!!! I've been through 4 band aids since 9am. This is not normal. I had blood on my debit card because it's a cut, not a poke like it should be. 4 band aids to keep my blood off laundry, door handles, etc...Shit...if you want, I'll give you a drop of blood! Just don't fuck up my shit!! Sorry, had to vent because it really is an issue with me. I go weekly. I know what it should be. This isn't it. No more Monday's at 9:00am.
If you work in the health care industry, especially in a lab taking blood, and cannot finger poke someone without fucking up, you should definitely not me sticking anyone with a needle.
It's always the same person, always asking for my right hand. I know who you are. I'm not a mean person, but seriously, it's not good and I'm just tired of being nice about it. Two weeks in a row now, a finger poke (no matter how insignificant it may be) should not be this painful. I shouldn't have a fucking cut on my finger!!! I gave birth to two children, I really do know pain. The fact is that going to lab to get a finger poke should just not piss me off this much!!!! I've been through 4 band aids since 9am. This is not normal. I had blood on my debit card because it's a cut, not a poke like it should be. 4 band aids to keep my blood off laundry, door handles, etc...Shit...if you want, I'll give you a drop of blood! Just don't fuck up my shit!! Sorry, had to vent because it really is an issue with me. I go weekly. I know what it should be. This isn't it. No more Monday's at 9:00am.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Whole lotta new
I just read my last blog. It feels like a lifetime ago.
I stuck with the break-up with Larry. I have a new boyfriend, whom I completely adore. He's a mixture of the 3 men that I have loved in my life with the bonus of trustworthiness and sacrifice. It's been over 6 months but of course we've had our issues. I don't even know where to start.
After I broke up with L. I lost my house. I moved in with the new boyfriend, kids and all. It's a 1 bedroom house, not a lot of room for 4, but we make it work. He's great with the kids and I completely trust him. They, in turn, trust and RESPECT him. Everything else except for my health has been wonderful.
I ended up in the hospital at the beginning of Dec. I had a blood clot in each lung, which easily could have been fatal had I not gone in when I did. I was in so much pain and couldn't breathe so I don't know how I could have waited any longer. I stayed there for a almost a week and was out of work for two weeks, which in hindsight was the best thing for me. There were many reasons I had the clots. First and foremost, I smoke. You know they blame everything on smoking, so it came as no surprise. I know it had at least a little to do with it, however, I'm pretty sure the pregnancy is what caused it. YES, you are reading this correctly. I found out about 2-3 weeks prior that I was pregnant. Terry and I were trying to figure everything out when the health problem arose but of course I was a little excited at the thought of having another child, especially with Terry. Unfortunately, the health issues created a problem for me. Either way, having or not having the baby there were risks. Long story long enough, we chose to abort due to this issue. It was a tough decision. We decided, with much support, that my health was first. The abortion is over. There is no going back. I have some regret but I refuse to beat myself up about it. It is a touchy subject, but I am comfortable with our decision, as it was truly ours. To be honest, I really don't care who knows about it. I believe and have always believed in Pro-Choice and being faced with the decision, I now realize that at a young age I realized my values and I still believe in them. I'm still me.
Anyway, besides all this, L. has adjusted and has been decent. He really is a good person. I know everything happens for a reason. I hope that in the end, in whatever afterlife there is, I will know what those reasons are. We can only guess at these things. Imagine how boring life would be if we knew everything though?
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Have a wonderful evening. Wishing whoever reads this a healthy and happy 2009.
I stuck with the break-up with Larry. I have a new boyfriend, whom I completely adore. He's a mixture of the 3 men that I have loved in my life with the bonus of trustworthiness and sacrifice. It's been over 6 months but of course we've had our issues. I don't even know where to start.
After I broke up with L. I lost my house. I moved in with the new boyfriend, kids and all. It's a 1 bedroom house, not a lot of room for 4, but we make it work. He's great with the kids and I completely trust him. They, in turn, trust and RESPECT him. Everything else except for my health has been wonderful.
I ended up in the hospital at the beginning of Dec. I had a blood clot in each lung, which easily could have been fatal had I not gone in when I did. I was in so much pain and couldn't breathe so I don't know how I could have waited any longer. I stayed there for a almost a week and was out of work for two weeks, which in hindsight was the best thing for me. There were many reasons I had the clots. First and foremost, I smoke. You know they blame everything on smoking, so it came as no surprise. I know it had at least a little to do with it, however, I'm pretty sure the pregnancy is what caused it. YES, you are reading this correctly. I found out about 2-3 weeks prior that I was pregnant. Terry and I were trying to figure everything out when the health problem arose but of course I was a little excited at the thought of having another child, especially with Terry. Unfortunately, the health issues created a problem for me. Either way, having or not having the baby there were risks. Long story long enough, we chose to abort due to this issue. It was a tough decision. We decided, with much support, that my health was first. The abortion is over. There is no going back. I have some regret but I refuse to beat myself up about it. It is a touchy subject, but I am comfortable with our decision, as it was truly ours. To be honest, I really don't care who knows about it. I believe and have always believed in Pro-Choice and being faced with the decision, I now realize that at a young age I realized my values and I still believe in them. I'm still me.
Anyway, besides all this, L. has adjusted and has been decent. He really is a good person. I know everything happens for a reason. I hope that in the end, in whatever afterlife there is, I will know what those reasons are. We can only guess at these things. Imagine how boring life would be if we knew everything though?
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Have a wonderful evening. Wishing whoever reads this a healthy and happy 2009.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Break-up Follow-up
One word: crazy. That's it just fuckin crazy.
13 years, lotsa love, lotsa hate = CRAZY
idk. I love him, can't live with him, can live without him, at least I think I can, he won't leave me alone long enough to know.
He loves me, I really believe he feels that way. I've seen him cry once in 13 years up until 3 weeks ago, and now I've seen and heard him cry multiple times. What hurts the most, when he says "I just want my family back". Kills me. Absolutely, physically, breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart that he hurts. It breaks my heart to stay. This sucks, not as sweet as I thought it would be.
I don't wanna be the cold-hearted baby-mama, doing everything possible to hurt him. I just wanna chance at life, at something else: a future with a partner whose there for me, really there for me. No conditions: we live together, we die together. My problems are yours and yours are mine. If I'm losing the roof over my head, so are you. That's what I'm talking about. Fuck all the other bullshit.
That's something L. can't give me. He says, now, that he can. But I know, he isn't capable of that kind of sacrifice. His nickname back home was SOLO. He is truly solo.
I know that no one can love me like L does. I just know that. I also know that life will never be what I want with him. There is my dilemma: love... no responsibility...Responsibily, maybe not that type of love. Hm. It's a tough one. What would you choose? I shouldn't have to choose. That's where I get angry. They go together. That's what I'm looking for. Step the fuck up. Too late for L. Gave him 13 years worth of chances, what I have to offer, everything. I apologize when I do wrong. I've given him all I've got. I can't give anymore. I just can't.
I feel fucking guilty. This sucks. I hope this guilty feeling goes away sooner than later. The last time I had to break up with someone it was because he almost killed me. That was a lot easier.
Anyway...so the saga continues...
J
13 years, lotsa love, lotsa hate = CRAZY
idk. I love him, can't live with him, can live without him, at least I think I can, he won't leave me alone long enough to know.
He loves me, I really believe he feels that way. I've seen him cry once in 13 years up until 3 weeks ago, and now I've seen and heard him cry multiple times. What hurts the most, when he says "I just want my family back". Kills me. Absolutely, physically, breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart that he hurts. It breaks my heart to stay. This sucks, not as sweet as I thought it would be.
I don't wanna be the cold-hearted baby-mama, doing everything possible to hurt him. I just wanna chance at life, at something else: a future with a partner whose there for me, really there for me. No conditions: we live together, we die together. My problems are yours and yours are mine. If I'm losing the roof over my head, so are you. That's what I'm talking about. Fuck all the other bullshit.
That's something L. can't give me. He says, now, that he can. But I know, he isn't capable of that kind of sacrifice. His nickname back home was SOLO. He is truly solo.
I know that no one can love me like L does. I just know that. I also know that life will never be what I want with him. There is my dilemma: love... no responsibility...Responsibily, maybe not that type of love. Hm. It's a tough one. What would you choose? I shouldn't have to choose. That's where I get angry. They go together. That's what I'm looking for. Step the fuck up. Too late for L. Gave him 13 years worth of chances, what I have to offer, everything. I apologize when I do wrong. I've given him all I've got. I can't give anymore. I just can't.
I feel fucking guilty. This sucks. I hope this guilty feeling goes away sooner than later. The last time I had to break up with someone it was because he almost killed me. That was a lot easier.
Anyway...so the saga continues...
J
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I finally did it!
I finally broke it off with L. Seriously this time, we are through and he knows it! Woot Woot! Of course the first week was pretty rough, with L. constantly asking me the same questions over and over, "Don't you love me anymore?" and "So we're not together?" How frustrating to have to reapeat myself, especially with words that are so harsh, saying them to someone I've been with for so long and that I do truly care about. I am stronger than ever though, not backing down, standing my ground. We are not together and we are seeing other people and no, there isn't anyway to work it out. Been there, done that, it doesn't work. It is time to move on for my kids and myself. It's amazing how calm and relaxed I feel these days. I keep thinking it's depression, but really I'm not feeling depressed. It's odd.
Of course, he has tried to hurt me. He isn't going to pay me anymore on his own. He said he's going to move his ex-wife in with him. He also said that he's going to sign away his rights to the kids (which did hurt). He found out, however, that he can do that but it doesn't relieve him of his financial responsibility, he'd still have to pay child support. So, I'm waiting for the paperwork in the mail and going to go forward. I'm probably going to have to move out of my house and get an apartment, but I'm looking forward to a new start.
I'm seeing someone else now. Trying to take it slow, at least I am. lol. He's a nice guy and hopefully he stays that way, you just never know. I like him though, so that's a start. The next year or so should be interesting. I'm excited to start anew, yet afraid at the same time.
Of course, he has tried to hurt me. He isn't going to pay me anymore on his own. He said he's going to move his ex-wife in with him. He also said that he's going to sign away his rights to the kids (which did hurt). He found out, however, that he can do that but it doesn't relieve him of his financial responsibility, he'd still have to pay child support. So, I'm waiting for the paperwork in the mail and going to go forward. I'm probably going to have to move out of my house and get an apartment, but I'm looking forward to a new start.
I'm seeing someone else now. Trying to take it slow, at least I am. lol. He's a nice guy and hopefully he stays that way, you just never know. I like him though, so that's a start. The next year or so should be interesting. I'm excited to start anew, yet afraid at the same time.
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