I love my job........but...........

Some days just suck. Yesterday and especially today are two - right in a fricken row.

Yesterday, I was just so busy I didn't have time to breathe. I felt like I worked my ass off but didn't get anything accomplished.

Today was better as far as the workload is concerned but on a personal communication level it sucked. Someone was talked to and then afterward they were mad at me. I had no clue why. I've never said anything bad about that person at all. Ever. Seriously - nothing. I like her. What the F*** I'm thinking to myself. Now why they'd have to go say that and now it's like my fault or something. I didn't even know what the hell was going on until I asked someone else (my other kinda supervisor) "What the hell is going on". I used those words to as I laughed of course. She couldn't tell me any details, of course. Although my name and reputation with the people I work with are being drug through elephant dung, I can't know the details. WTF!~!!! It's just wrong. I told the pseudo supervisor that. I should at least know what is happening before the shit hits the fan. It's true, the shit doesn't spread evenly.

I'm kinda mad at that girl too. Grow up. If I'm demoted, and I kinda have been, I'm not gonna blame anyone else. I blame myself and wonder if there's something I can do to improve. Also if having things changed around a little helps everyone get more done, than that's good right? I guess I would be mad too, but not at the person sitting next to me cause she happens to work with certain people and take orders from certain people just like she does. Shit, if my name got brought up, too damn sorry, I wasn't there, ask me about it or get the F*** over it. Ya know?! Just frustrated.

I don't get paid to make friends I guess. I have plenty to do to keep me occupied.

That's about it.

And another pet peeve - DRIVERS WHO GET ON OTHER DRIVER'S ASSES - FUCKIN STOP IT DAMN IT!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A 100 CAR PILE UP CAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING RESPECT OTHER PEOPLES SPACE!!!!!! FO REAL THO!!!!!!

next lifetime

Okay, in my next lifetime, assuming there is one, I am NOT having kids. No way, no how. I will heed the warning so given by my parents and others who already had children.

I love my kids, you know that. I just want peace and quiet in my next life, that's all. I want to sip my sugar and cream with coffee while reading the paper. I want to hear the birds singing in the morning and patiently appreciate the glimpse of sun shining in. I want to read and watch tv uninterrupted whenever I want, not just after the kids' bedtime. I want to be, oh sorry I already am - I mean stay an alcoholic. I want to go out whenever, drink, and not worry about home, the kids, bills, or their well-being. Shit I don't want to worry about my well-being. I don't want to hear Mommy, Mommy, Mommy in my next lifetime. Oh and I want all my money to be my money!!!! No school lunches, no help the kids with homework etc...

Okay, this sounds bad. I want my kids. I love them dearly. If anything happened to them life would cease to exist for me.

Right now I'm just craving a little time with no noise, by myself. I just want to relax, stoned, in a dark room with candles flickering, listening to some of my favorite tunes, a beer in my hand and more in the fridge, ice cold. Did I mention two words: by myself? You get the picture.

Yes, I know I'm bitching. What the hell is this thing blog for anyway? Isn't every conversation with everyone a bitch session...really? Think about it. There is always complaining. We're human. Selfish humans with nothing else on the brain but ourselves and what's good for us. If we didn't complain, we'd have nothing to talk about, laugh about, cry about etc.... It's the strive to do and be better that drives us to complain, bitch, if you will. Of course there's a limit. It's important how we complain also. Throwing a little humor in there helps. I'm not particularly funny, but I do like to laugh about the shit in my wheaties (thanks for that once whackly - still one of my favorites) once in a while. {A little better than horseshit - I use that one a lot.}

I'm rambling. It eases anxiety.
Lesson for today: DON'T HAVE KIDS, DRINK AND GET HIGH OFTEN, AND BITCH YOUR WAY TO A BETTER LIFE

ok now I'm done.

bored

Once again I find myself with plenty to do, I just don't want to do any of it.

I have replaced alcohol with sleeping. It's not quite as fun as alcohol but it's just a different means to the same end - escape. I really don't want to sleep my life away. As I have been reminded recently that life really isn't that bad compared to other's. It is true. I do love living. I'm just not that good at it.

So we got through the Ipod shuffle incident. Larry went to the kids' school on Mon. morning last week and the principal found the ipod in my son's locker. I knew it had to be either here somewhere hidden or with one of my kids. I knew those other kids didn't take it. I told Larry but he just didn't believe me. He never does and then turns around and says "I should have listened to you." What the hell, after 11 1/2 years you think he'd figure that out by now, but of course, just like a man, he hasn't. Anyway now that we've successfully discovered the culprit, I can get on with other stuff.

I think I'm going to start my kids and probably myself with counseling of some sort. I went through my self exploration at treatment. I got to take time to really find out what I wanted in life and to think about life in a different way. Unfortunately, I didn't consider the kids and what they possibly were feeling. I've noticed them acting out a lot more just in the past few months. Maybe they need to talk to someone about stuff, ya know? If y'all know of any kids' shrinks let me know. I would never let them put the kids on medication though, I really don't believe in that crap. They're so little I don't see how any medication could be okay for them.

Another thing I am determined to do is to clean out my kids' rooms and take everything away. Start fresh, not toys, no games, nothing fun until they can learn to respect me and their father. Larry and I also need to work on that some more. Larry more than myself I have to say. I can be somewhat calm when talking to the kids/trying to explain stuff.

Well, Larry and I should be getting M'd the beginning of Dec. After that my income should increase considerably. I will be able to get back to school and finally finish. Since I'm so close I want to get my bachelor's degree in Bus Mgmt - HR focus. Them go on to get my accounting degree. I figured I should do that considering what my daily job consist of. It will make me a better employee. Of course I'll have many other options having those degrees. I can see how being mega rich could be a pain in the ass with people coming out of the woodwork. I just want to be comfortable. That's my goal. I've noticed that never seems to happen though. I'm always getting myself into a jam.

Baby steps I guess. We'll see how the next 6 mos. turn out and adjust the plan accordingly. It's like a football (or any sport) game. If the calls you're making aren't working, you adjust. I'm getting my ass kicked so far.

shit, shit, shit

I'm hating right now. I hate those rich fuckers who never have to worry about money; how the bills get paid.

Anyway, yeah money issues still the same. I think I'm going to go through with the M thing. It's a business transaction. Plain and simple. A necessary evil, if you will. It wouldn't be a real marriage, ya know. Just a means to an end.

I read last night that Gerlad Levert died. He is by all-time favorite singer. Damn. What a waste of good talent. I loved his voice; could pick it out anywhere. And to boot, he was only 40 yrs old. RIP G, RIP.

I'm having a jewelry party on 11/21 - I have my guest list pretty much ready. I hope people will be there. It sucks to invite people and no one shows. It's downright embarrassing. My son had a birthday party a couple years ago, he invited about 6 kids, and only one showed up. I felt so bad for him, I actually cried. At least if no one shows, I'm an adult, I can say fuck off and mean it.

Anyway, that's all for now. Oh, a lotta shit going on with L. - lost his ipod shuffle @ my house, it's no where to be found, he thinks one of the 4 kids (2 of our own and 2 friends' kids) stole it. I'm not so sure. I think he misplaced it. Misplaced it where? That is the question. It really is no where to be found. I looked everywhere. Anyway I hope it shows up soon. I can't take the ranting and raving from him about it. SHUT UP ALREADY LARRY - I'm working on it - double ck to make sure the kids didn't take it. Blah, blah, blah you say. I know. I kinda feel that way writing this.

I know I'm obsessive compulsive with everything. I'm admitting that. I'm not a stalker but I can't stop thinking about this guy I like. I hate this. Why can't I just be a normal person, ya know? Drink when I want to - stop when I want to. Ya know stuff like that. Anyway that's really all this time.

Later

J.

Desperation

So, I'm acutally considering Marrying dipshit, L. I'll tell you why. If we get married that means I would get paid more monthly as part of his disability - without affecting his paycheck. Not just a little, a large amount.
Now I know what some of you are thinking, W.T.F ARE YOU DOING, JAMIE!!! I ask that myself a lot. It doesn't change the fact that I'm financially drowning without any way out. I can't do any more overtime at work. I can't work more at the part-time job until I pay my boss back for the loan from her. So I'm fucked. I have never been this close to losing my house, ever - even in my alcoholic days. This really makes me want to drink, ya know? One of the main reasons I don't drink is money troubles. Well, I have them anyway so what the hell. I just want to get caught up so I don't have to rob from Peter to pay Paul one week and then from Paul to pay Peter. That's the only way I can see the light. It would only be for a few years probably, or until I meet someone who understands me and my situation and who can deal with it. Who am I kidding, no man could deal with my situation. Ok so that's probably the problem with me. Damn it. At least I'm honest with people. I already told dipshit what we would be marrying for. He knows. My friend thinks I'm crazy cause she has found her FAITH and has this idea that marriage is somehow sacred. Screw that bullshit. You gotta do what you gotta do. I don't think marriage is the end all to be all. Americans fucked up what marriage is supposed to be anyway so don't point the finger. To each his own. I don't believe (totally) in the sanctity of marriage. It would take a hellofa man to change that about me. Also I would never change my last name. That's a deal breaker. My family name is as important to me as any man's is. I keep my last name, period, no discussion. Oh another thing, if we get married (I have told him) he doesn't own me any more than he does right now. He loved that comment.
Anyway, I'm sure this isn't what anyone who knows me was expecting. What can I say. Maybe I've lost my damn mind. I gotta go find it - maybe I'll get a new one.

Later
J.

Sen. Kerry's comments

My response:

I believe that Kerry's remarks were taken somewhat out of context. I don't think his intention was to bash the troops. His intention was to take a hit at the President. Ever hit and miss? We all do it from time to time, Republicans, Democrats, Independents alike. He's not denying he said it. He should apologize to those soldiers he has offended. With that said it has long been a fact that the men and women from a more modest background who enter the armed forces far outweigh the rich and over-privileged that join. Do you see sons and daughters of the rich and powerful joining the military? As a general rule you do not. Also many men and women who join the forces do it for the purpose of financing an education. They are not well educated, yet. Most go straight out of high school in hopes of securing their future. Lastly, I think people ought not take everything that comes out of a politicians mouth literally. Empathy goes a long way in diplomacy. Grow up America.
And just for the record, I have more respect and admiration for the 'uneducated' soldier than I do ANY politician.

Weekend from Hell

SERIOUSLY!!!! ONE OF THE WORST WEEKENDS (besides Friday-jewelry party) I'VE HAD IN A VERY LONG TIME.

Saturday was supposed to be a great day. A day off work - Yippeee! Not so much. I slept til about 1pm. It came at a cost as I woke up and began my dance with evil. I have plans to see my neice dance at 7pm so I go to the grocery store around 6pm to get some stuff for my kids and their friends that are spending the night. My son had his friend Cody over and Jamea had a friend from across the street over. I get home after the store only to find Larry, the kids, and actually the whole neighborhood freaking out because the electricity went out. I thought at first 'damn did I miss my payment arrangement with Xcel?' Thank God that wasn't the cause. I'm not sure what was but the whole block was out. My daughter decides to go over to her friends house to stay cause we weren't sure how long the elec. would be out. Cool. Larry was being a complete DICK as usual, so I decide to have my nephew's friend stay the night so he can watch the boys in the morning while I work - til 11am. Cool. I'm thinking the elec. is going to come on soon, it has to, right? Nope it doesn't. Around 7pm elec still isn't on and I decide instead of seeing my niece dance to take the boys to BK, we eat, they play for a while, we leave. Elec still not on. It's 8:30 now. We sit here in the dark with mega candles flickering, the boys are getting bored. I take them over to my sister's house, they decide to stay there so they can watch tv and play Xbox. My nephew's friend was okay with that - he's part of the family so no big deal. Cool. I come home freeze my ass off and finally elec comes on at 2am. I'm thinking things are okay now. Then my gas/CO alarm goes off, I have to call Xcel at 2:15 to have them come back out to make sure there's no gas leak. I get the all clear, maybe get another hour of sleep and off to work I go. No one is at my house now. 'Shit' I'm thinking, 'what if Jamea tries to walk home (across the street) and the door is locked and no one is home?' I call the neighbor whom I insist on calling John when his name is Allen. He says Jamea already left. 'Shit, shit, shit.' He goes outside to try and find Jamea to tell her to go back to his house and he finds the Sartell PD talking to Jamea. I guess she was knocking on the door, crying for about a half hour before the neighbor called the police. As he tells me this I feel like the worst mother in the world. How could I let that happen? Anyway, the PO brought her to my job and she hung out with me for a while. My sister picked her up and that was the end of that. My neighbors now think I'm crazy (I was trying to avoid that), the PD probably has me on their shit list, and I just feel horrible. I get off work, get my kids, take Jarod's friend home, go home, carve pumpkins - Oh what a treat! - do the normal nightly stuff which sucks all the time and finally I get to go to bed - my favorite time of the day. I felt like I had competed in a Triathalon and lost my ass. Anyway, I couldn't wait to get to work yesterday. Work is my sanctuary. As sad as that is. Hope your weekend was better. NEEDLESS TO SAY WE WON'T BE HAVING ANY SLEEPOVERS ANYTIME SOON.

Thanks for the shoulder.

Momentos dificiles

Tough times are upon me. Some people think shit is always hard for me. Not really. Usually things are pretty good. I'm a happy person. I'm low maintenance, don't need a lot to be happy. I think I handle stress pretty well. I don't know.

Financially, I need to figure things out. Okay, so I shouldn't have spent money at the jewelry party. That's okay though, I don't regret it. I need stuff for me. Without the occasional splurge on myself, I would go crazy. By occasion splurge, I really mean occasional. Not every month or even every three. How about every six months I will buy something nice for myself, like a new outfit for work, or jewelry - I'm so excited!!! I can't wait to get it and wear it! And the party will be fun. I had a great time just hanging out with you guys at the apartment. Sorry about the bar, I'm not very fun there. It gets boring quick when you don't drink. I still had a good time chatting though.

Anyway, emotionally/mentally, I'm drained. I'm in the mode where I will snap on anyone right now if they ask me for anything. I mean anything. All I hear between the kids and L. is 'I need... ', 'I want...', 'You need to give me...' Aargh. If I hear that anymore someone will be sorry.

It would be nice to hear instead, 'I know Mom.' 'Ok Mom.' 'Thanks Jamie' from (L.). 'Why don't I take the kids to my house so you can take some time to relax and do what you want?'
'How was your day?' 'How are you?' You know stuff like that. Never happens. As soon as I talk to or hear from the kids or Larry, demands start to fly. Of course I don't take it too well and all three of them get some lip about it from me. I don't want to be like that though. I don't like my sharp tounge sometimes. I really feel bad when the day is over. I love my kids but right now I'm not 'liking' them much. I feel a shift coming on. There will be 2 temporarily unhappy children in my household if they don't heed the warning and KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Anyway, other than that life is great. Job = great. Sleep = great. Music = great. Good friends = great.

Later.

Nothin Special

Hm. I haven't blogged in a while. My life is pretty uneventful lately. I made spaghetti tonight, cleaned up my mess, listened to a new CD - Rahsaan Patterson. Good CD. I don't like all of the songs but most are pretty cool.

The kids have showered and I think we're all ready for bed. It's sad. I never thought I'd be going to bed at 8:30. Just a short couple of years ago I was up til 1/2 am drinking. I'd get up at 5 in the morning and do it all over again. Bed time is the best time of the day for me. I can actually relax, do some daydreaming and go to sleep. I have to say my favorite thing to do besides laughing is sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping and dreaming, for quite a few nights in a row I dreamt (?spelling) about people at work. They were all pretty good dreams. Of course they were guys. One of the dreams had everyone in it, with a main character. It's pretty wierd the next day when you see that person. I feel like they 'know' that they were in the dream. You're probably thinking they were sexual in nature but they weren't. Thank god they weren't - that would be extra wierd. They were just plain old dreams. Too hard to recall verbally much less writing it down.

Anyway, that's life right now. Hope everyone is doing well.

Here's a quote: "Problems have only the size and the power that you give them". S.H.

alcoholism

I just felt like putting this down. Not sure why. Alcoholism sucks. One thought in my head once in a while is can I really go 15 or more years without drinking - at all? I just can't wrap my head around that one. It's been a little over a year and a half now. I'm happier than I've ever been which is what keeps me sober. I know how I would feel by having that one drink. Not only would I want more I would feel so ashamed, I'd want to drink again and again to escape myself. So I go day by day, literally. I made it through today not even wanting to drink. How about tomorrow? I gave myself one out - it's probably wrong but hey, sue me. The only time I would allow myself to drink is if something horrible happened to one of my children. I would drink myself silly. I would be a basket case anyway - why not just go all the way with it at a time of desperation. I would never really wish anything to happen to my children so that's good. I don't really even want to drink anymore. If my insurance will cover it, I'm going to try that new medication to help me stop smoking. It's called Chantix. It curves the cravings by occupying the part of your brain that nicotine occupies. Also it blocks the effects of nicotine so even if you do smoke your body doesn't get it - basically wasting money. I think I'm ready to quit smoking. I love life. I'm now addicted to loving life, my job, my kids. I want to live as long as I can.
For any alcoholic reading this - there really is life after drinking. It's hard to imagine, I know. Life is what you make of it. If your miserable, stop being miserable. If your happy, keep being happy. It's that simple. I made the decision a long time ago that I didn't want to be miserable. Although it has taken a few years, I finally made it. My new goal, besides quitting smoking, is to get rid of the miserables around me, wackly/SD you know who I'm talking about. That's the hardest part for me. It'll happen. Not sure how, not sure when, but it will.

PET PEEVES

One of my pet peeves is when my kids put blankets or pillows on the floor. It absolutely drives me insane!!!! They are throw pillows that belong on the couch - they don't belong on the floor!!!! And despite their name - they aren't meant to be thrown!!!! And blankets - meant to be spread out at the park for a picnic - not in the middle of the living room floor - K?

Another: When I see how other people put dishes away - Damn it - Stack the cups in the cupboard! They don't all get their own space. I don't have enough space not to stack cups!!! Just listen to me and stack the damn cups!!!! please?

I'm sure I'll think of more some other time.

WORK REVIEW

I had my review for work on Wednesday. I was a little dissapointed I didn't get a raise this time; not due to me performance thankfully. They started me out higher than they normally do, guess they were desperate to get someone in there lol. Also they gave me a raise at 2 mos instead of now - can't complain about that. I will qualify for another on my next review in 6 mos. so that will work for me.

I'm still liking the job - working on my time management/getting all tasks completed in timely fashion. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my job so I tend to go a little slower at first to perfect the task. Once I feel I've gotten something down that's not a problem. I should be able to improve within the 6 mos. Also they keep adding things for me to do. I love it for that reason - I'm constantly learning something about that place. Last night I volunteered for OT in the warehouse doing inventory. I got to go up on the forklift/pallet - I'm afraid of heights so that was scary at first, by the end of the night I felt completely comfortable. I had a blast to hanging out with the guys too!!!

Fantasy football and the football pool at work is going well. I'm 1-1 for my team on our fantasy league and # 2 overall right now (after 2 weeks) with 24 right picks on the work football pool. I want that half tire with the football coming through!!!! I haven't actually seen it, but for bragging rights I WANT IT! So now I have to study and make my picks for the week. If you have any tips let me know - all information is useful information!!!! Chicago or the Vikings? I'm having a dilemma as a true Viking fan. I want to win but don't want to sell out my team. What's a girl to do?

Kids are good - we're going through a meltdown phase with Jarod recently - I don't think he's feeling well right now. I remember when I was little, it was hard to adjust to school starting. My responsibility is to make it better with a regular schedule etc.... That is the worst mothering skill I have. At least I'm aware of it and trying to make it better.

Dum d dum d dum (fingernails tapping the desk). That's it. Peace.

funny commercial

I saw a funny commercial tonight. Forgive me, my story telling isn't up to par. Of course - it has to do with football!

A cashier takes his place behind the register in a grocery store and turns on his light to let people know he's open. He yells, "I'm open!" Then you see a big, good-looking football kinda guy standing in the aisle, he picks up some type of fruit or something from his basket and then whips the ball at the cashier, hitting him in the head cause of course when he said he was open he didn't really mean that. The commercial ends with the "It must be football season"

I told you the story telling wasn't great but you get the jist. You'd have to see it but I found it hilarious.

Speaking of football, I need Oakland to win right now!!! If they win, I win this weeks football pool at work. I would love to rub the boys' noses in it tomorrow. Besides that, I would win $15. Please let Oakland win, please let Oakland win, please let Oakland win. Go Raiders!!!!

shiskabob - San Diego is at the 1 yrd line, score's already 3-0 Chargers.

Please let Raiders win, please let Raiders win, please let Raiders win.

No!!!!! Again SHISKABOB:( They got a touchdown. It's 10-0 Chargers. AAArrrrrgggggg.

If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let me at em'. LOL Could you see it? Me and my bad-ass 4' 11" self. Now that would be hilarious. And Ooh la la - a buncha men in uniform. Perfect.

Gotta go.

Wish the Raiders luck!!!! Please!!!!!!

I am thinking about: If this is what SD wanted me to do - peerrtty sure?!
I want to: Go skydiving and learn guitar - not at the same time of course .
I wish: For financial comfort.
I hear: My kids arguing.
I wonder: How people can be so cruel.
I regret: Nothing really - I am who I am today because of those horrible, selfish, stupid moments in life.
I am: Worried about my children's future.
I dance: Alone - not in front of people, sitting down.
I sing: Also in the car.
I cry: Rarely; usually over something others think I shouldn't be crying about. Things others cry about, I don't. Not sure what's up with that.
I make with my hands: obscene gestures. (thanks for that one SD)
I write: About my experiences. I don't have an imagination.
I confuse: Myself.
I need: A real man. (not really need)
And finally: what was the point of this? Self awareness.

I tag:

Everyone who reads this - does anyone read this?
Rand?
Wackly?
Frankles?
Anyone?

I couldn't help it

So I couldn't help not having the last word. I emailed him (hanger upper). It was a matter of fact email with the preface of defending myself. Of course, I was right, he emailed me back. Damn it - this could go on and on. I'm not going to contact him any more though. I've had enough. I feel better now that I've defended myself a little and his email back to me wasn't so harsh. At least things can be left somewhat civil. I hate bad endings - that feeling of hatred or dislike that just lingers. It's not good for the soul - like chicken soup, ya know.

My kids had sleepovers again last night. My house of course is a disaster area. My living room is calling my name, begging for help.

If I had one superpower, it would be like Samantha on Bewitched - you know - the nose twitch thing. I could clean this house up like crazy. Anyway, I'm not her so gotta go clean. Peace out.

Run no more

Or get in better shape. Those are my choices.

This weekend I went down to Owatonna to visit my Mom and to take the kids to the County fair. My sister and her kids, Tyler and Erika, and Tyler's Friend (Jeremy) also went. I love hanging out with them. Now that they're older we can talk about anything - even adult stuff - it's actually hilarious. Anyway, my nephew drove down with me and we were talking about Football practice and his conditioning week, etc.... That conversation turns into an idea. 'Hey, I should try to run the 40 (yard dash) and see what my time is.' Of course I think I'm as fast as I was in High School. Well, I'm not. Yikes. We get to my Mom's house and mark 40 yards and start running. OMG! It was acually dangerous for me as my balance was horrible, I almost fell to the ground every single time. I did it about 3 times and I made it in 7.7 (seconds). My son can run it in 7.2 - he's nine.
And because that went so well (lol) I decide to play some 2 on 2 football. wtf was I thinking? My arms and legs feel like they are going to fall off.

Lesson learned: I need to get in shape. That is my goal the rest of the year. Once September rolls around, and finances start to get a little better, I'm going to join a gym and make myself go. I know it's going to be hard to do. It's something I've wanted for a long time though. I want to be in shape. No more jiggly stuff - I want to be a little more solid. Solid but soft is my goal. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

ps. Still no word from hanger upper. I'm having a hard time not having the last word. I feel like emailing him again just to get the last word, but I'm sure he'll respond and it will end up in the same place. I need to let it be.

Neighborhood Drama

I miss the good old days in my apartment, no neighbors, no drama. One of my neighbors is a crazy lady and her daughter is even crazier. Both are extremely nosy and backstabbing. They say one thing to your face and a completely different thing to the other neighbor, or my kids and it gets back to me. I just wanna punch someone. One of the other neighbors is too good for anyone. Because she doesn't want her little boy playing with guns she wants the whole neighborhood to embrace that idea. My son is 9 and he loves to play cops and robbers, army games, and hunting games. I won't do that. So my son isn't supposed to play with guns around that child. It seems to work okay but her son will just come over whenever. I don't think Jarod should have to stop what he's doing to follow that rule. So I just stopped enforcing it. If she wants her child to run lose around the neighborhood that's for her to deal with, not me.

The other neighbors seem to be okay. My son's best friend that lives across the street is allowed to play with the guns but he can't watch Football because it's too violent. Yeah, you heard me. I haven't figured out the reasoning behind that one yet. Not sure that I will. I love Football too much to ever agree to that point of view.

I'm just fed up with the bullshit. This one can't play with that one and if my kids play with the one that one can't play with then they can't play with the other one. It really is as stupid as it sounds. It makes no sense.

On the brighter side of the issue, my kids are learning a lot from this experience. They are learning how to negotiate and the importance of being responsible for your actions. They know that their actions can and probably will bring some form of drama from the neighbors. They have been behaving a little better since all this has started. Also it gives me a chance to talk to the kids about what's going on and get their opinion. My daughter surprised me with her adult-like attitude when she said, "We should all sign a contract." It blew me away. She didn't know what the punishments would be for breaking the contract but she was sure it was a good idea. I am considering it. I would like to set up a meeting between all of the parents in our area and come to an agreement of some sort as far as time and behaviors go. The only problem I have is that I don't trust the other parents at all - I can see them blaming everything on my children and because I know my children don't always do the right things, I would have a hard time discerning who's telling the truth in any given situation. Once I figure that part out I'll probably go forward with the meeting idea.

Beside the neighborhood crap, work has been crap too. It seems as if all of my mistakes come back to bite me in the ass within the same few days. On top of that because I'm a nice person at work, well, the newer person, and one of two out of the whole group who do anything for our safety committee, I get stuck with being co-chair. Okay so I'm thinking it shouldn't be so bad. Then I find out that the co-chair is automatically the chairperson when the prior chair steps down. I don't have time for that crap!!!! I know it's a good experience, something to put on the resume. That's the only reason I agreed.

I'm wondering if the craziness of late is the lovely thing we call karma - what did I do or not do to bring on the chaos within the past week or so? I'm just not able to focus lately. My mind is wandering on my money issues, neighborhood issues, hanger upper/men issues. I need a vacation.

I'm hoping things will settle down after school starts. I may be hoping for too much. Only time can tell.

Enough bitching. Thanks for reading.

Hasta la vista

MORE FOOTBALL

I signed up for Fantasy Football tonight. I haven't picked all of my players yet. Of course I need to take a crashcourse this weekend - do my reasearch. I am psyched though. Those boys think they can beat me. Ha - we'll see who has the last laugh. (Of course I don't expect to win this thing but I'm sure gonna try.) Does beginner's luck apply here? I hope so.

If you have any tips, advice, etc... Please comment.

nighty-night ch'yall.

Hanger upper emailed me today. It was a very shitty email. Something to the effect of 'we'll never be more than friends cause I ask if he's mad.' Okay. Here's my problem with that. IF YOU ALWAYS ACT MAD - DON'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO THINK YOUR NOT (EVEN IF YOU TOLD THEM 3 MONTHS AGO THEIR NOT MAD MUCH - IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF THAT'S HOW YOUR ACTING!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I was a little upset at first, I cried a little. I was on the verge of tears anyway - that just put me over. Now I'm better - great actually. Good fuckin riddins (? spelling -don't give a shit). You can only run into a fuckin brick wall so many times before you wanna fuckin give up, ya know. I don't need that shit. He's fucking paranoid. Oh and he had the nerve to say that I expected him to act a certain way, say a certain thing etc..... What the fuck? And he doesn't?? I mean really, get off it - stop being so damn paranoid and just fucking live. JEEZ!!! Be a fuckin man, understand women are different than you are. We are feeling beings. If you don't want a feeling woman - swing the other fuckin way. Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh. Sorry about the F bombs y'all - I'm just angry - can you tell?

On the other hand. I still FEEL a little of that, 'What the Fuck is wrong with me.' feeling. It might hurt; sometimes the truth does. But if people don't know, they stay the same way and wonder 'what the fuck is wrong with me?'

Okay I'm gonna stop feeling and become a heartless bitch with no emotion. Is that better? Jes** mother fu**** Ch****!!!!!!

And you men think women are irrational. Holy shit.

Sorry y'all, just venting.

Later - hopefully in a better mood.

Football

Tonight was the 'superbowl' for my son's 3-4th grade flag football summer league. This is almost the best part of my summer, for a few different reasons. I love being the Mom that shows up. I do when I can, which is most of the time. I think it's so important for kids to know that Mom and Dad are there for them in their shining hour. I'm always saddened when I see Parents dropping the kids off, literally, while barely slowing down to let the little munchkins get out.

Observing your children in a team atmosphere is important. Now, my son may act differently if he knows I'm not there, I can't be certain. What I have seen is encouraging. Now this may seem like a small insignificant observation to you, but for me it spoke volumes of my son's character. I noticed when one of the children's flags were pulled and lying on the ground, he would pick it up and hand it to the person it belonged to. So many times I see boys walk around it, careful not to step on it, waiting for it's rightful owner to pick it up. Other times I see boys pick it up and 'throw' it at/to the person it belongs to. Throw it...hmm...flags don't fly well and usually end up back on the ground again where the rightful owner has to pick it up. These types of actions, for me, represent respect or lack there of.

Another thing I noticed is my son's tendency to share. He shares the ball, cause that's what you do in football. At least in this flag football league, everyone should get a turn. Coach makes sure of that when he's observing, as does the referee, though not as well (it's an age thing). It infuriates me when there are 2-3 players on the team that have to do everything. When they're quarterback, they have to run it; let someone else touch the ball? no way Jose. If they're not, well they ususally end up with the ball - hogging. Someone needs to teach these children to take turns. Mommy and Daddy should have taught little Billy that being a ball hog is bad - not good.

Now, I don't say anything. I do talk with my son about actions and consequences. I do tell him to speak his mind, but to do it carefully, without disrespecting others. At least I try, anyway. That's my intention. I tell him to speak up when he hasn't had a turn at a specific position, but don't push, physically or with a crappy tone. I'm proud of him. He has a heart of gold and a laugh that's contagious. He's common sense smart, unlike myself at that age. Oh, the joys of motherhood. I talk a lotta shit about how horrible it is to be a Mom, but deep down, I love every minute of it, especially after days like today.

Oh another reason I love summer flag football...I forgot to mention. Ooh la la, good looking men who love football. (Yes, I'm talking about the fathers, coaches, referees). Jeez.

Until next time bloggers and bloggettes.
peace