One word: crazy. That's it just fuckin crazy.
13 years, lotsa love, lotsa hate = CRAZY
idk. I love him, can't live with him, can live without him, at least I think I can, he won't leave me alone long enough to know.
He loves me, I really believe he feels that way. I've seen him cry once in 13 years up until 3 weeks ago, and now I've seen and heard him cry multiple times. What hurts the most, when he says "I just want my family back". Kills me. Absolutely, physically, breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart that he hurts. It breaks my heart to stay. This sucks, not as sweet as I thought it would be.
I don't wanna be the cold-hearted baby-mama, doing everything possible to hurt him. I just wanna chance at life, at something else: a future with a partner whose there for me, really there for me. No conditions: we live together, we die together. My problems are yours and yours are mine. If I'm losing the roof over my head, so are you. That's what I'm talking about. Fuck all the other bullshit.
That's something L. can't give me. He says, now, that he can. But I know, he isn't capable of that kind of sacrifice. His nickname back home was SOLO. He is truly solo.
I know that no one can love me like L does. I just know that. I also know that life will never be what I want with him. There is my dilemma: love... no responsibility...Responsibily, maybe not that type of love. Hm. It's a tough one. What would you choose? I shouldn't have to choose. That's where I get angry. They go together. That's what I'm looking for. Step the fuck up. Too late for L. Gave him 13 years worth of chances, what I have to offer, everything. I apologize when I do wrong. I've given him all I've got. I can't give anymore. I just can't.
I feel fucking guilty. This sucks. I hope this guilty feeling goes away sooner than later. The last time I had to break up with someone it was because he almost killed me. That was a lot easier.
Anyway...so the saga continues...
J
Monday, June 16, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I finally did it!
I finally broke it off with L. Seriously this time, we are through and he knows it! Woot Woot! Of course the first week was pretty rough, with L. constantly asking me the same questions over and over, "Don't you love me anymore?" and "So we're not together?" How frustrating to have to reapeat myself, especially with words that are so harsh, saying them to someone I've been with for so long and that I do truly care about. I am stronger than ever though, not backing down, standing my ground. We are not together and we are seeing other people and no, there isn't anyway to work it out. Been there, done that, it doesn't work. It is time to move on for my kids and myself. It's amazing how calm and relaxed I feel these days. I keep thinking it's depression, but really I'm not feeling depressed. It's odd.
Of course, he has tried to hurt me. He isn't going to pay me anymore on his own. He said he's going to move his ex-wife in with him. He also said that he's going to sign away his rights to the kids (which did hurt). He found out, however, that he can do that but it doesn't relieve him of his financial responsibility, he'd still have to pay child support. So, I'm waiting for the paperwork in the mail and going to go forward. I'm probably going to have to move out of my house and get an apartment, but I'm looking forward to a new start.
I'm seeing someone else now. Trying to take it slow, at least I am. lol. He's a nice guy and hopefully he stays that way, you just never know. I like him though, so that's a start. The next year or so should be interesting. I'm excited to start anew, yet afraid at the same time.
Of course, he has tried to hurt me. He isn't going to pay me anymore on his own. He said he's going to move his ex-wife in with him. He also said that he's going to sign away his rights to the kids (which did hurt). He found out, however, that he can do that but it doesn't relieve him of his financial responsibility, he'd still have to pay child support. So, I'm waiting for the paperwork in the mail and going to go forward. I'm probably going to have to move out of my house and get an apartment, but I'm looking forward to a new start.
I'm seeing someone else now. Trying to take it slow, at least I am. lol. He's a nice guy and hopefully he stays that way, you just never know. I like him though, so that's a start. The next year or so should be interesting. I'm excited to start anew, yet afraid at the same time.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
My Friday
This may be a shocker to some of you, not so much to others...my story about Friday
Come Friday morning I can't find my cell phone. I was absolutely lost without it, looking everywhere cause this phone is my lifeline, seriously. It's my only phone as I don't have a landline. Without it I feel vulnerable. Anyway, I remember having it the night before, in the car, going through the BK drive-thru. I didn't get out of the car until I got home so I know it couldn't be far. I'm trying to get ready for work Friday morning but all I can think about is this phone 'where is it?', 'where could it possibly walk off to?' I finally have to give up cause I have to leave for work. Larry was here that morning and said that he and Jarod (my son who was home sick from school) would find it. I didn't think anything of his statement, once in a while he can be helpful. I remember looking in the plastic bag that he had some of his stuff in for the phone, not to be found. I went in there to use his phone which I realize didn't work because he has a pre-pay and no minutes. I put his phone back and left for work.
First clue something was up: I NEVER turn my cell phone off. When you called it Friday morning it went straight to VM. Either it was dead or off, pretty sure it wasn't dead; I remember it had a good charge yet. I called again maybe 10 min later and wualla! it was on; no answer, ring, ring, ring and goes to VM. I know now that someone has it. At this point I still wasn't convinced Larry had it. I thought perhaps I dropped it outside and someone picked it up. I texted myself, from a friends phone, asking to please return it. No response.
Finally I get a call around 9:30a at work from Larry. He tells me that he found my phone in his plastic bag; said that he accidentally put it in there. He wasn't sure how that happend he continues to tell me.
NOW...it is all starting to make sense. I looked in that plastic bag so I know he lied. He always turns his phone off when he's not using it. He would have turned it off so I didn't find the phone when my alarm went off the next morning. My son tells me it was probably in his jacket pocket. Damn it, the one place in this house I didn't look was in his jacket pockets! I knew he was out of minutes so if he needed to make/receive calls he would have wanted to use mine. It was still out of character for him, mostly anyway to pull this type of thievery. But I knew he had done this sort of thing in the past and it just wasn't impossible. I know the deal now.
Oh that's not all... This is the funny, Karma's gonna kick you in the ass right away part!!! Unbeknownst to Larry, when you turn my phone off and back on, it is locked. HAHAHAHA! That dumb mother f*****! He has no clue what my code is so all that work, all the thought he put into his plan was for nothing. The phone would ring, but he couldn't answer it. He couldn't make any calls.
I got home but didn't say anything; I wanted to see where his head was first. He was PISSED! The plan prior to this was for him to stay over cause I had to work at 5am. He didn't even consider that at this point - he was getting his boots on to walk home cause he was so mad. We argued a little about money (that's a whole different blog) he orders me to give him the s off my phone that have been calling because he was expecting a call from the VA. I tell him that all the calls are mine and to fuck off. He leaves.
Moral of the story. If you want something as simple as to use a person's phone...just ask.
My comments to Larry will be something along these line (more in depth I'm sure): For real, Larry, you could have asked like a normal person would. Instead, you decide to try and trick me, deceive me. I'm done. I'm walking away, cutting the cord as a friend puts it. If you really love someone you don't pull stunts like this, you don't treat them like this. You have finally crossed that line that lets me be okay without you. I will be okay without you.
Come Friday morning I can't find my cell phone. I was absolutely lost without it, looking everywhere cause this phone is my lifeline, seriously. It's my only phone as I don't have a landline. Without it I feel vulnerable. Anyway, I remember having it the night before, in the car, going through the BK drive-thru. I didn't get out of the car until I got home so I know it couldn't be far. I'm trying to get ready for work Friday morning but all I can think about is this phone 'where is it?', 'where could it possibly walk off to?' I finally have to give up cause I have to leave for work. Larry was here that morning and said that he and Jarod (my son who was home sick from school) would find it. I didn't think anything of his statement, once in a while he can be helpful. I remember looking in the plastic bag that he had some of his stuff in for the phone, not to be found. I went in there to use his phone which I realize didn't work because he has a pre-pay and no minutes. I put his phone back and left for work.
First clue something was up: I NEVER turn my cell phone off. When you called it Friday morning it went straight to VM. Either it was dead or off, pretty sure it wasn't dead; I remember it had a good charge yet. I called again maybe 10 min later and wualla! it was on; no answer, ring, ring, ring and goes to VM. I know now that someone has it. At this point I still wasn't convinced Larry had it. I thought perhaps I dropped it outside and someone picked it up. I texted myself, from a friends phone, asking to please return it. No response.
Finally I get a call around 9:30a at work from Larry. He tells me that he found my phone in his plastic bag; said that he accidentally put it in there. He wasn't sure how that happend he continues to tell me.
NOW...it is all starting to make sense. I looked in that plastic bag so I know he lied. He always turns his phone off when he's not using it. He would have turned it off so I didn't find the phone when my alarm went off the next morning. My son tells me it was probably in his jacket pocket. Damn it, the one place in this house I didn't look was in his jacket pockets! I knew he was out of minutes so if he needed to make/receive calls he would have wanted to use mine. It was still out of character for him, mostly anyway to pull this type of thievery. But I knew he had done this sort of thing in the past and it just wasn't impossible. I know the deal now.
Oh that's not all... This is the funny, Karma's gonna kick you in the ass right away part!!! Unbeknownst to Larry, when you turn my phone off and back on, it is locked. HAHAHAHA! That dumb mother f*****! He has no clue what my code is so all that work, all the thought he put into his plan was for nothing. The phone would ring, but he couldn't answer it. He couldn't make any calls.
I got home but didn't say anything; I wanted to see where his head was first. He was PISSED! The plan prior to this was for him to stay over cause I had to work at 5am. He didn't even consider that at this point - he was getting his boots on to walk home cause he was so mad. We argued a little about money (that's a whole different blog) he orders me to give him the s off my phone that have been calling because he was expecting a call from the VA. I tell him that all the calls are mine and to fuck off. He leaves.
Moral of the story. If you want something as simple as to use a person's phone...just ask.
My comments to Larry will be something along these line (more in depth I'm sure): For real, Larry, you could have asked like a normal person would. Instead, you decide to try and trick me, deceive me. I'm done. I'm walking away, cutting the cord as a friend puts it. If you really love someone you don't pull stunts like this, you don't treat them like this. You have finally crossed that line that lets me be okay without you. I will be okay without you.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Whackly's Vernacular
In response to Whacly's idea - posting phrases, I'm posting this quote that I'm pretty sure I made up. I've never seen or heard it anywhere so I'm going to assume I did for the sake of laziness; not wanting to look it up:)
"The question is not whether you can steal my heart or not; What are you going to do with it once you've got it?"
"The question is not whether you can steal my heart or not; What are you going to do with it once you've got it?"
Monday, February 25, 2008
self destruction
All this time I'm afraid of being hurt by other people when really I should be afraid of myself. It's funny how we do things without knowing what we're doing all the while thinking we are right. Maybe I am crazy, or psycho. I don't know. I've always thought I was pretty good about admitting when I was wrong and changing the wrong behavior, but now I realize I'm not as well rounded as I thought I was. It sucks to admit wrongdoing, in action or in words. Anyway, I did apologize, but not without the attitude. wtf. I can't figure out why I am so angry. I'm angry at the world right now at this very moment. Actually, I think I'm angry at myself, just taking it out on those unfortunate enough to be in my world.
I'm hurt, but it comes out as anger, a way to protect myself; how I have always protected myself. Now that I don't drink, I don't know how to handle the hurt I feel inside from many years of self destruction. I think I love myself, but why then do I question if I do? If I don't love myself, how can I love anyone else like they deserve to be loved? Why do I want things I can't have, knowing I can't have them? Is it a challenge to me? Is it security knowing that I will only get so far and then have an excuse to give up? These are the questions that I am asking myself. I thought I knew the answers, but obviously I don't.
I'm probably being a little too hard on myself. Maybe not hard enough? I'm a short-term thinker. I want now what I can get now. My patience has been ripped from me over the years, the alcohol abuse, the kids, Larry. I don't have any patience left. I'm tired of waiting.
I think I'm gonna go eat something and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. All I can do is give life a try again tomorrow.
Later
I'm hurt, but it comes out as anger, a way to protect myself; how I have always protected myself. Now that I don't drink, I don't know how to handle the hurt I feel inside from many years of self destruction. I think I love myself, but why then do I question if I do? If I don't love myself, how can I love anyone else like they deserve to be loved? Why do I want things I can't have, knowing I can't have them? Is it a challenge to me? Is it security knowing that I will only get so far and then have an excuse to give up? These are the questions that I am asking myself. I thought I knew the answers, but obviously I don't.
I'm probably being a little too hard on myself. Maybe not hard enough? I'm a short-term thinker. I want now what I can get now. My patience has been ripped from me over the years, the alcohol abuse, the kids, Larry. I don't have any patience left. I'm tired of waiting.
I think I'm gonna go eat something and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. All I can do is give life a try again tomorrow.
Later
Sunday, January 13, 2008
been a while
Hey been a while, over a month. I know I'm not missed. Maybe I miss myself ever thought about that? Anyway this can be an outlet, might as well use it.
Nothing new, actually a lot new, just to graphic and slutty to reveal details. Been seeing a couple of people. Neither are the best but hey gotta start somewhere, figure out what I want, what I'm looking for. Maybe I will wake up one day and realize what I got ain't so bad. Ok....so that probably won't happen but I'm hoping some clarity will come. Still seeing the one guy I posted about before. Not very often, don't talk a lot and hadn't seen him for over a couple months til last night. Nice to see him, talk to him, but yeah still not compatible in bed. So that's really a lose-lose situation. He's selfish, obviously not in it cause he 'likes' me. Oh well, I really don't give a shit anymore about him.
Seeing someone else. Very complicated. He's not really available. But we are attracted to each other, not only physically but, in all areas. Just can't help ourselves. He's smart and just seems we are on the same level in life. He's my age, that's different. I've never been with someone my age before, except highschool/college. Anyway I like him. Not a long term physical relationship, but I can definitely see him being a very good friend for a very long time. The kind of friend that is true, will be there for you, in thick and thin, got your back. That's a plus. Maybe that's all I'm looking for right now. Anyway gotta go, running some errands. Have a great week, month etc....
I'm happy. As crazy as it is, I am a happy person right now. Broke, confused, lonely, but damn fuckin happy
Nothing new, actually a lot new, just to graphic and slutty to reveal details. Been seeing a couple of people. Neither are the best but hey gotta start somewhere, figure out what I want, what I'm looking for. Maybe I will wake up one day and realize what I got ain't so bad. Ok....so that probably won't happen but I'm hoping some clarity will come. Still seeing the one guy I posted about before. Not very often, don't talk a lot and hadn't seen him for over a couple months til last night. Nice to see him, talk to him, but yeah still not compatible in bed. So that's really a lose-lose situation. He's selfish, obviously not in it cause he 'likes' me. Oh well, I really don't give a shit anymore about him.
Seeing someone else. Very complicated. He's not really available. But we are attracted to each other, not only physically but, in all areas. Just can't help ourselves. He's smart and just seems we are on the same level in life. He's my age, that's different. I've never been with someone my age before, except highschool/college. Anyway I like him. Not a long term physical relationship, but I can definitely see him being a very good friend for a very long time. The kind of friend that is true, will be there for you, in thick and thin, got your back. That's a plus. Maybe that's all I'm looking for right now. Anyway gotta go, running some errands. Have a great week, month etc....
I'm happy. As crazy as it is, I am a happy person right now. Broke, confused, lonely, but damn fuckin happy
Saturday, December 01, 2007
more...
My fortune cookie says:
You will bring mystical sensitivity to what's around you.
According to Webster -
Mystical: having a spiritual meaning or reality that is neither apparent to the senses nor obvious to the intelligence
Sensitivity: the capacity of being easily hurt; awareness of the needs and emotions of others
Seems to be a theme right now in my life, ultra sensitive to everything around me, sometimes bringing me joy and other times pain. I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. What fun is it to have this type of personality and not put it to good use? There's not a lot to do with it though. It just is. I've always been that way but until recently I've never been able to pin it down. Now all of the sudden, in my Kiersey temperament results and now in a fortune cookie of all things, the theme surfaces. I hope it stops there though. I couldn't handle any sort of esp or premonitions etc... That would freak me out.
You will bring mystical sensitivity to what's around you.
According to Webster -
Mystical: having a spiritual meaning or reality that is neither apparent to the senses nor obvious to the intelligence
Sensitivity: the capacity of being easily hurt; awareness of the needs and emotions of others
Seems to be a theme right now in my life, ultra sensitive to everything around me, sometimes bringing me joy and other times pain. I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. What fun is it to have this type of personality and not put it to good use? There's not a lot to do with it though. It just is. I've always been that way but until recently I've never been able to pin it down. Now all of the sudden, in my Kiersey temperament results and now in a fortune cookie of all things, the theme surfaces. I hope it stops there though. I couldn't handle any sort of esp or premonitions etc... That would freak me out.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
just me
The Portait of the Counselor (INFJ)
The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.
Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.
Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.
Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).
The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.
Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.
Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.
Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).
Sunday, November 04, 2007
words
In light of recent events, I have come to a conclusion that there really isn't conclusion at all, in anything.
Just when you think something has concluded, meaning there is closure, it hasn't. One word reason: Emotions. Shit Fuck Damn. Emotions. I was so sure tonight when my 'friend' came over I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to tell him to take a hike. Oh, and I was sooooo ready to. I was almost crying before he got here thinking about the conclusion: not seeing him again. But then, you guessed it, none of that happened. I was my typical self, joking but serious as hell. I responded to a few things in the VM he left me last weekend which would take me forever to go over. It wasn't nice, trust. He took it surprisingly well. Everything I said he took surprisingly well. Shit Fuck Damn, again. WTF. Either be an ass or not. Don't just kinda be an ass. That's not fair. My responses to his vm: I don't sleep with my 'basic friends', if you say your going to do something, fuckin do it, and if plans change let a girl know - don't stand people, me, up. Yes, I know, he's playin my ass. I guess, if he can follow the rules above, then, I don't have a problem with it. I like his company once in a while. I'm very attracted to him (God he smells good). He's getting better in the sack, more attentive to what I need. My emotions are going to get in the way, I just know it. So to conclude the rant cause I want to go to sleep, Shit Fuck Damn emotions always gotta fuck up shit. If you see an end in sight, you are hallucinating, seek medical help immediately. Good Night.
Just when you think something has concluded, meaning there is closure, it hasn't. One word reason: Emotions. Shit Fuck Damn. Emotions. I was so sure tonight when my 'friend' came over I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to tell him to take a hike. Oh, and I was sooooo ready to. I was almost crying before he got here thinking about the conclusion: not seeing him again. But then, you guessed it, none of that happened. I was my typical self, joking but serious as hell. I responded to a few things in the VM he left me last weekend which would take me forever to go over. It wasn't nice, trust. He took it surprisingly well. Everything I said he took surprisingly well. Shit Fuck Damn, again. WTF. Either be an ass or not. Don't just kinda be an ass. That's not fair. My responses to his vm: I don't sleep with my 'basic friends', if you say your going to do something, fuckin do it, and if plans change let a girl know - don't stand people, me, up. Yes, I know, he's playin my ass. I guess, if he can follow the rules above, then, I don't have a problem with it. I like his company once in a while. I'm very attracted to him (God he smells good). He's getting better in the sack, more attentive to what I need. My emotions are going to get in the way, I just know it. So to conclude the rant cause I want to go to sleep, Shit Fuck Damn emotions always gotta fuck up shit. If you see an end in sight, you are hallucinating, seek medical help immediately. Good Night.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Song
Last night after a 2:30am visit, of course high as fuck, he pukes all over my daughter's bed. He hasn't cleaned it up. I don't even know how to write the sounds coming from my head right now.
On a lighter note, I like this song. Don't hate. It's the lyrics:
Bet you thought that i'd be broken
Mascara streaking down my cheek
Devastated, out the door way.
In a daze, a state of disbelief
I bet you'd like that seeing me get mad
but baby i wont satisfy your needs
cuz i've already been there, done that
I'll be fine even if you leave
Ohh i dont need you anymore
Ohh and dont you know that..
You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence
yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you, Boy im thankin you
Thinking back on how you changed me
everytime you tried to put me down
and even though it really hurt me
Strong Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com
underneath, myself is what i found
so take a look inside these eyes now
and say the things you want to say to me
cuz i've already spread my wings out
and your the one. the one who set me free
Ohh i dont need you anyone
Ohh and dont you know that..
You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence
yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you,
For all the tears i cried
for all the sacrafice
for all the drama
cuz in the end it made me stronger
so trust me ill be fine
baby ill survive
and i want you to know
that you
were the one that broke my heart
but i wont fall apart
no.. im so moving on
and babyyy
You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence
yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you, Boy im thankin you
Jordyn Taylor - Strong
On a lighter note, I like this song. Don't hate. It's the lyrics:
Bet you thought that i'd be broken
Mascara streaking down my cheek
Devastated, out the door way.
In a daze, a state of disbelief
I bet you'd like that seeing me get mad
but baby i wont satisfy your needs
cuz i've already been there, done that
I'll be fine even if you leave
Ohh i dont need you anymore
Ohh and dont you know that..
You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence
yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you, Boy im thankin you
Thinking back on how you changed me
everytime you tried to put me down
and even though it really hurt me
Strong Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com
underneath, myself is what i found
so take a look inside these eyes now
and say the things you want to say to me
cuz i've already spread my wings out
and your the one. the one who set me free
Ohh i dont need you anyone
Ohh and dont you know that..
You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence
yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you,
For all the tears i cried
for all the sacrafice
for all the drama
cuz in the end it made me stronger
so trust me ill be fine
baby ill survive
and i want you to know
that you
were the one that broke my heart
but i wont fall apart
no.. im so moving on
and babyyy
You were the one that made me strong,
you made me stand up on my own
with every cruel intention you helped me find my
independence
yeah its all because of you
that i have the strength i do
to turn my pain to passion instead of crashing
Boy im thanking you, Boy im thankin you
Jordyn Taylor - Strong
Thursday, September 06, 2007
parenthood
I really don't like being a mother. It's probably the worst role that I have. The constant fighting between my kids is driving me absolutely fucking bonkers. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY FUCKING MORE!!!!!! Everything would be just fine if they would stop fighting. GOD DAMN IT!!! And they don't fucking listen. I hate yelling but sometimes I have to just to get their attention. I really hope they "get it" soon. Stop fucking fighting, telling on each other. I don't give a shit who did what first. Just knock it off I tell them. I didn't see who did what first, I don't care. Just stop. Then they cry and whine about how I don't care bla, bla, bla. Every fucking day. God when will this end? Ever?
Don't get me wrong. Just cause I don't like being a mother doesn't mean I don't love my kids. I do. I love them dearly and would give my life in a hearbeat to save theirs. Honestly, I just don't like them all of the time.
Does this make me a bad Mom? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Don't get me wrong. Just cause I don't like being a mother doesn't mean I don't love my kids. I do. I love them dearly and would give my life in a hearbeat to save theirs. Honestly, I just don't like them all of the time.
Does this make me a bad Mom? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
If it's not one thing, it's another
So I have been absent for a while. I was having financial problems and decided to go without the internet for a while, cut down on some costs. It was fine. I did miss reading up on news, checking my email and bank information, etc.... Other than that it didn't affect me much.
A lot has happened in the past month. First, I got in trouble at work. Not really trouble, but I got talked to. I have never been 'talked to' at work for any reason other than being absent a day and having to go through the warning system on that. I've always been a good worker. Reliable, steady, and to my knowledge thorough. So I've been very tired lately, the past few months. I will explain later why and it will all fit together. I have a bad day because I was so behind at work, having a hard time focusing. I get called into the boss' office and she proceeds to tell me that I have looked tired lately and that she has actually seen me fall asleep at my desk. She said that one day to came and asked me if I was okay. I said I was and proceeded to walk out the door like I was leaving. According to her I didn't come back for an hour and I walked out after I had already been on lunch that day. Now, I don't remember this incident at all. I actually don't believe I did that, especially not have any recollection of it at all. So taken back by the whole situation she continues on and tells me that she noticed me falling asleep on several occasions and that it was affecting my work. What the hell? She tells me this after 3 months or so. She just lets it go and lets me look like a fool (if in fact what she says is true, which I'm having a hard time believing) for months before saying anything? I asked her why she didn't say something sooner and she really didn't have an answer. Ok, so I get over that within a couple of days. Ok, whatever, I thought. Who gives a shit. I'll just watch my Ps and Qs from now on and ignore the bullshit she speaks of. So I get past that and the next week I start to feel sick. I'm getting crampy and have some other female issues I don't care to put in writing at the moment. I'm thinking my period is going to start, but it doesn't. Fuck. What now? So I let it go a while to see if 'this too shall pass'. It doesn't, the pain is getting worse. By the end of that week I could hardly walk. It took everything in me to get from point A to point B. Exhausted by the time I got home all I could do was sleep. All evening, off and on and then all night til morning. I'd wake up and do it all over again. So I finally call the Dr., make an appointment. I go in and go through the never enjoyable female check up. I had some blood drawn, urine collected and all the normal stuff. After 2 1/2 hours at the clinic, most of the test results came back normal / fine. I talk to the doctor again and she tells me she thinks it is PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease). At this point I'm thinking 'OK, ....." She tells me that that is usually caused by Chlamydia or Gonorrhea. WTF! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I haven't been with anyone else besides Larry for the past 9 years. She told me not to jump to that conclusion, that she thought it was that, and to wait for the test results to come back in a couple days to confront Larry. OK, so that I did, all the mean while getting pissed off that this was happening to me. I'm thinking of all the possibilities, and of all the choice words I will use if the tests come back positive. So I try not to obsess, of course that was impossible. I get a call from the clinic at work the next day and she tells me over the phone the test results were positive for Chlamydia. I was so outraged, I didn't even have words. No tears, no words, just thoughts rolling through the brain. Eventually (a day or so later) it reality hit, that Larry really had cheated on me. No speculation. He really had. THAT MUTHERFU**ER!!!!! I didn't go off on him, just tried to get him to admit it. It took three days and he finally admitted he cheated. I proceeded to ask him all the normal questions, although none of it helped. I was still in shock, still am to be honest. I really don't know how to feel. There are too many feelings for me to really feel any one with any force. I'm still stuck there. What feelings you ask? Anger, hurt, rejected, relieved, happy, revenge, guilty, worthless. Those are the ones I can think of right now. I have decided to move on. I told him that but he is acting as if nothing ever happened. Ok so he wants to be stupid that's fine. I'll play along. I will be looking and I will not feel guilty about any actions I take from this point forward. No guilt, no shame. I am free. Thank God. I think.
Anyway so while all of this is going on my car dies on hwy 15 during rush hr. Great times! Turns out that the timing belt went out, causing the water pump to go out causing serious engine issues: all 16 valves in the engine were bent. $1400.00 later by car is fixed and I am in further debt. Just my luck. Luckily I dodged forclosure and getting kicked out of the park the week after all this happened.
Ok so, truly, my higher power was testing me in July. "How much shit can you handle at once?" He/She must have been bored.
Anyway, that's my story in a large nutshell. Chlamydia was treated (hopefully gone), my car is running fine and I'm caught up for the most part on my house/rent. I had a relaxing weekend - 4 days off work. That was awsome. Now it's back to life. What will life bring next? I just can't wait!
A lot has happened in the past month. First, I got in trouble at work. Not really trouble, but I got talked to. I have never been 'talked to' at work for any reason other than being absent a day and having to go through the warning system on that. I've always been a good worker. Reliable, steady, and to my knowledge thorough. So I've been very tired lately, the past few months. I will explain later why and it will all fit together. I have a bad day because I was so behind at work, having a hard time focusing. I get called into the boss' office and she proceeds to tell me that I have looked tired lately and that she has actually seen me fall asleep at my desk. She said that one day to came and asked me if I was okay. I said I was and proceeded to walk out the door like I was leaving. According to her I didn't come back for an hour and I walked out after I had already been on lunch that day. Now, I don't remember this incident at all. I actually don't believe I did that, especially not have any recollection of it at all. So taken back by the whole situation she continues on and tells me that she noticed me falling asleep on several occasions and that it was affecting my work. What the hell? She tells me this after 3 months or so. She just lets it go and lets me look like a fool (if in fact what she says is true, which I'm having a hard time believing) for months before saying anything? I asked her why she didn't say something sooner and she really didn't have an answer. Ok, so I get over that within a couple of days. Ok, whatever, I thought. Who gives a shit. I'll just watch my Ps and Qs from now on and ignore the bullshit she speaks of. So I get past that and the next week I start to feel sick. I'm getting crampy and have some other female issues I don't care to put in writing at the moment. I'm thinking my period is going to start, but it doesn't. Fuck. What now? So I let it go a while to see if 'this too shall pass'. It doesn't, the pain is getting worse. By the end of that week I could hardly walk. It took everything in me to get from point A to point B. Exhausted by the time I got home all I could do was sleep. All evening, off and on and then all night til morning. I'd wake up and do it all over again. So I finally call the Dr., make an appointment. I go in and go through the never enjoyable female check up. I had some blood drawn, urine collected and all the normal stuff. After 2 1/2 hours at the clinic, most of the test results came back normal / fine. I talk to the doctor again and she tells me she thinks it is PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease). At this point I'm thinking 'OK, ....." She tells me that that is usually caused by Chlamydia or Gonorrhea. WTF! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I haven't been with anyone else besides Larry for the past 9 years. She told me not to jump to that conclusion, that she thought it was that, and to wait for the test results to come back in a couple days to confront Larry. OK, so that I did, all the mean while getting pissed off that this was happening to me. I'm thinking of all the possibilities, and of all the choice words I will use if the tests come back positive. So I try not to obsess, of course that was impossible. I get a call from the clinic at work the next day and she tells me over the phone the test results were positive for Chlamydia. I was so outraged, I didn't even have words. No tears, no words, just thoughts rolling through the brain. Eventually (a day or so later) it reality hit, that Larry really had cheated on me. No speculation. He really had. THAT MUTHERFU**ER!!!!! I didn't go off on him, just tried to get him to admit it. It took three days and he finally admitted he cheated. I proceeded to ask him all the normal questions, although none of it helped. I was still in shock, still am to be honest. I really don't know how to feel. There are too many feelings for me to really feel any one with any force. I'm still stuck there. What feelings you ask? Anger, hurt, rejected, relieved, happy, revenge, guilty, worthless. Those are the ones I can think of right now. I have decided to move on. I told him that but he is acting as if nothing ever happened. Ok so he wants to be stupid that's fine. I'll play along. I will be looking and I will not feel guilty about any actions I take from this point forward. No guilt, no shame. I am free. Thank God. I think.
Anyway so while all of this is going on my car dies on hwy 15 during rush hr. Great times! Turns out that the timing belt went out, causing the water pump to go out causing serious engine issues: all 16 valves in the engine were bent. $1400.00 later by car is fixed and I am in further debt. Just my luck. Luckily I dodged forclosure and getting kicked out of the park the week after all this happened.
Ok so, truly, my higher power was testing me in July. "How much shit can you handle at once?" He/She must have been bored.
Anyway, that's my story in a large nutshell. Chlamydia was treated (hopefully gone), my car is running fine and I'm caught up for the most part on my house/rent. I had a relaxing weekend - 4 days off work. That was awsome. Now it's back to life. What will life bring next? I just can't wait!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Still Hating it here....damn neighbors
OK. So beside management, my neighbors are fucking crazy. So much damn drama I want to scream. Actually I feel like crawling under a rock and not coming out. I want to sleep my life away right about now. Here's the scoop:
My son's best friend, I'll call him 'Bob' lives across the street. I like 'Bob', he's a good kid and we treat him like part of the family. He is the only one who can come and go, literally as he pleases. I really don't mind him being here, even if it's all the time. I'm just used to him and he listens to me which helps. His mom, well, I don't think she likes me that well but she's okay. I just keep my distance from her and try to be as polite as I can.
Doesn't seem so bad huh? Not really, but that's not the best part. There is another neighbor with a kid about 5 years younger than my son and 'Bob, I'll call him 'Gomer'. I know kids are innocent and are products of their environment, but I don't like him. He has a tendency to tell on people all of the time, especially if he doesn't get his way. Then his mom will go to the boys and tell them that they have to play with him etc..... like this kid, Gomer, is some angel. He's not. Arghhhhh. I don't like him and I don't want him in my house. Everytime there is some issue between the kids he is involved. If it is just my son and Bob, everything is cool. When Gomer is around, his parents (Oh, I'll have to explain them in a little bit here) have to come to me and Bob's Mom about something. It is sooooo frustrating. This kid and his parents are the source of all this drama and it is absolutely pissing me off, I'm afraid of what I might say to them if I have to talk to them about this.
OK, so if the kid isn't bad enough, the parents are absolutely fucking crazy. They are drug addicts who always call the police on everyone else. That is where Gomer gets this idea to tell on everyone all the time. I heard him following his mom down the street once and he told his mom they should call the cops. They actually called the cops on my neice cause she was driving too fast. They've done that to a few people around here. No one likes them. Ok, she's crazy and her daughter is just like her. Nosy, I'm gonna tell on you, bitch. So Gomer's dad is around now. He's been around for about two months now. Guess where he was for the first 5 years of Gomer's life???? Yup, you guessed it, PRISION. Now there are a lot of reasons people go to prision. Him, well, he went to prision after stabbing Gomer's mom in the neck, now she is permanently fucked up because of that. The police caught him in the field by our house hiding in the tall grass. He was all fucked up on coke or some shit like that. So he goes to prision. That bitch let him back into her life??? He almost killed her for God's sake. How STUPID!!!!! Ok, so she is stupid, that's fine if she wants to be killed by him, I'm sure that will happen one of these days. But first off why would or how could the mobile home park let him live here again after being a convicted felon? A dangerous, attempted murderer, convicted felon. All the while I get to live with my two children two fucking doors down.
As if that's not enough just being what it is. I get a call at work today from Larry, who is watching the kids. He says that the felon threatened to kill Bob. Bob is like 9 years old. According to my son Bob was spraying Gomer with the water hose, he went and told, so the felon decided to yell at Bob. I get home and my kids are in the house telling me that I HAVE to have this meeting with the Moms. The fuck I do. Shit, I am not going to involve myself or my kids in this drama. Fuck that. If they want to talk to me, they can call me or stop by. I believe Jarod when he says that he didn't have anything to do with it. He came in the house before all that shit happened. Even if he was there, he wasn't spraying anyone so I'm not part of this. Oh they want to drag me in but the fuck if I'll let em'. If they do come talk to me I'm gonna tell them exacly how I feel. As pissed as I am right now, it wouldn't be a good time. If they know anything about me, I hope they know to stay away for a little while. What's the big fucking deal anyway?? So what if this kid was sprayed, it wasn't a fire hose that hurt him and it was 90 degrees today, he should be fuckin thankful.
Oh, another thing, Bob's mom is way too hard on Gomer. She punishes him for whatever the other crazy bitch says he did. I think that's wrong. She is soooo mean to him, that's why he spends all his time here.
That's all I have for now. I have more important things to worry about than this he said she said crap. Kids are kids, they're not always perfect. If someone comes to me about something my son did, I will talk to him about it and explain why it wasn't right. If it's more serious than the above matter, I will punish him, but it's not going to be in front of anyone else and I'm sure as hell not going to say he can't play with this one or that one ever again. How else are they going to learn how to handle diversity and conflict?? Are they teaching those kids to run away as soon as conflict comes up? By not diving into the drama, is that what I'm teaching my kids??
Damn it this parenting shit just gets harder and harder. WTF. And I was worried when they were babies! lol.
Later
My son's best friend, I'll call him 'Bob' lives across the street. I like 'Bob', he's a good kid and we treat him like part of the family. He is the only one who can come and go, literally as he pleases. I really don't mind him being here, even if it's all the time. I'm just used to him and he listens to me which helps. His mom, well, I don't think she likes me that well but she's okay. I just keep my distance from her and try to be as polite as I can.
Doesn't seem so bad huh? Not really, but that's not the best part. There is another neighbor with a kid about 5 years younger than my son and 'Bob, I'll call him 'Gomer'. I know kids are innocent and are products of their environment, but I don't like him. He has a tendency to tell on people all of the time, especially if he doesn't get his way. Then his mom will go to the boys and tell them that they have to play with him etc..... like this kid, Gomer, is some angel. He's not. Arghhhhh. I don't like him and I don't want him in my house. Everytime there is some issue between the kids he is involved. If it is just my son and Bob, everything is cool. When Gomer is around, his parents (Oh, I'll have to explain them in a little bit here) have to come to me and Bob's Mom about something. It is sooooo frustrating. This kid and his parents are the source of all this drama and it is absolutely pissing me off, I'm afraid of what I might say to them if I have to talk to them about this.
OK, so if the kid isn't bad enough, the parents are absolutely fucking crazy. They are drug addicts who always call the police on everyone else. That is where Gomer gets this idea to tell on everyone all the time. I heard him following his mom down the street once and he told his mom they should call the cops. They actually called the cops on my neice cause she was driving too fast. They've done that to a few people around here. No one likes them. Ok, she's crazy and her daughter is just like her. Nosy, I'm gonna tell on you, bitch. So Gomer's dad is around now. He's been around for about two months now. Guess where he was for the first 5 years of Gomer's life???? Yup, you guessed it, PRISION. Now there are a lot of reasons people go to prision. Him, well, he went to prision after stabbing Gomer's mom in the neck, now she is permanently fucked up because of that. The police caught him in the field by our house hiding in the tall grass. He was all fucked up on coke or some shit like that. So he goes to prision. That bitch let him back into her life??? He almost killed her for God's sake. How STUPID!!!!! Ok, so she is stupid, that's fine if she wants to be killed by him, I'm sure that will happen one of these days. But first off why would or how could the mobile home park let him live here again after being a convicted felon? A dangerous, attempted murderer, convicted felon. All the while I get to live with my two children two fucking doors down.
As if that's not enough just being what it is. I get a call at work today from Larry, who is watching the kids. He says that the felon threatened to kill Bob. Bob is like 9 years old. According to my son Bob was spraying Gomer with the water hose, he went and told, so the felon decided to yell at Bob. I get home and my kids are in the house telling me that I HAVE to have this meeting with the Moms. The fuck I do. Shit, I am not going to involve myself or my kids in this drama. Fuck that. If they want to talk to me, they can call me or stop by. I believe Jarod when he says that he didn't have anything to do with it. He came in the house before all that shit happened. Even if he was there, he wasn't spraying anyone so I'm not part of this. Oh they want to drag me in but the fuck if I'll let em'. If they do come talk to me I'm gonna tell them exacly how I feel. As pissed as I am right now, it wouldn't be a good time. If they know anything about me, I hope they know to stay away for a little while. What's the big fucking deal anyway?? So what if this kid was sprayed, it wasn't a fire hose that hurt him and it was 90 degrees today, he should be fuckin thankful.
Oh, another thing, Bob's mom is way too hard on Gomer. She punishes him for whatever the other crazy bitch says he did. I think that's wrong. She is soooo mean to him, that's why he spends all his time here.
That's all I have for now. I have more important things to worry about than this he said she said crap. Kids are kids, they're not always perfect. If someone comes to me about something my son did, I will talk to him about it and explain why it wasn't right. If it's more serious than the above matter, I will punish him, but it's not going to be in front of anyone else and I'm sure as hell not going to say he can't play with this one or that one ever again. How else are they going to learn how to handle diversity and conflict?? Are they teaching those kids to run away as soon as conflict comes up? By not diving into the drama, is that what I'm teaching my kids??
Damn it this parenting shit just gets harder and harder. WTF. And I was worried when they were babies! lol.
Later
Thursday, May 24, 2007
hating it here
Ok, so I'm starting to hate living in this fucking trailer park. I love my house. I can stand my neighbors to an extent. I hate management though. Soooo fuckin picky. Like I have all day like some of these losers around here to make my yard 'pretty and perfect'. Fuck that. I work 2 damn jobs and I'm fucking tired!!!!! What a bitch. Ok, so the rocks by the curb, I understand - those were picked up. The grass, well, it was their fucking sod that went bad. It was too fucking hot with no rain for the first 2 years after the sod was laid. You can only water every other day during the summer. I'll be damned if I'm gonna stay up all night or get up way early to go out and water. Fuck them. They can come over and water, shit it ain't my land, I rent it. They can fuckin do it themselves. Shit. I'm in a really foul mood after getting that notice. Fuck them!!! And another thing, those other fuckers around here who keep their kids' bikes, etc....out on the lawn better have received a fucking notice to. Shit I keep my yard in ok condition, put the bikes at least on the porch so no one can even see them. What the fuck is she talking about!!!??? Oh, I'm fucking pissed. I'm glad, I'm not actually talking to someone right now otherwise I'd be embarassed afterward for swearing so much. JEEEEEEEEEZ - I'M SOOOOOO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW I WANNA BREAK SOMETHING!!!! ARG!!!!
Then dipshit being here isn't helping. He throws a fucking fit like a fucking two year old and it's driving me absolutely insane. Grow the fuck up already. He's fifty acting like he's two. Yelling at everyone cause of nothing. "do this", "do that", "don't", "do". Pissing me the fuck off as if I need someone to help me with that right now. I get so mad when he does that I have to remind him that I'm not his kid and to stop acting like I am. Ooooohhhhhh I get sooo mad when he does that. Oh you guys are so fuckin lucky right now that you don't have to be around me.
Ok, so I feel a little better. I think it's time to go outside, smoke a cigarette, or two, fuck I may even just chain smoke for a while.
These are the times I wish I could drink. Fuck the world. The world ain't done shit for me what the fuck should I care for??? Ok, my kids I know, I know.
I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna smoke my cigarettes and have a little meditation time.
Ta Ta for now. Hopefully I look back and read this and learn something. Maybe not. Who the hell knows right now.
Then dipshit being here isn't helping. He throws a fucking fit like a fucking two year old and it's driving me absolutely insane. Grow the fuck up already. He's fifty acting like he's two. Yelling at everyone cause of nothing. "do this", "do that", "don't", "do". Pissing me the fuck off as if I need someone to help me with that right now. I get so mad when he does that I have to remind him that I'm not his kid and to stop acting like I am. Ooooohhhhhh I get sooo mad when he does that. Oh you guys are so fuckin lucky right now that you don't have to be around me.
Ok, so I feel a little better. I think it's time to go outside, smoke a cigarette, or two, fuck I may even just chain smoke for a while.
These are the times I wish I could drink. Fuck the world. The world ain't done shit for me what the fuck should I care for??? Ok, my kids I know, I know.
I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna smoke my cigarettes and have a little meditation time.
Ta Ta for now. Hopefully I look back and read this and learn something. Maybe not. Who the hell knows right now.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Tomorrow
So today is tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow.
Things are much better as predicted. They always do get better.
I heard that you make $10 more a week now giving plasma.
I feel a lot better, cold is finally going away, so I think I'm going to go back and start doing that again. I really do hate needles. Needlephobia. Thankfully it's not severe, I do dread it though. That one tiny prick just hurts like hell. I can give birth to a child but damn those needles. lol
Here's a link to the phobia list. It's pretty interesting.
http://www.phobialist.com/#A-
Anyway, besides the kids being needy unlike no other, things are okay.
I don't have a date for Tina's wedding. That's okay though, there will be a couple people there I know, so it shouldn't be so bad.
Anyway, time for bed. Yes I know it's early. Hey, it's been a long week so far. A girl needs her sleep. Besides, my kids are still awake and they shouldn't be. They're having a hard time sleeping too.
Later
Things are much better as predicted. They always do get better.
I heard that you make $10 more a week now giving plasma.
I feel a lot better, cold is finally going away, so I think I'm going to go back and start doing that again. I really do hate needles. Needlephobia. Thankfully it's not severe, I do dread it though. That one tiny prick just hurts like hell. I can give birth to a child but damn those needles. lol
Here's a link to the phobia list. It's pretty interesting.
http://www.phobialist.com/#A-
Anyway, besides the kids being needy unlike no other, things are okay.
I don't have a date for Tina's wedding. That's okay though, there will be a couple people there I know, so it shouldn't be so bad.
Anyway, time for bed. Yes I know it's early. Hey, it's been a long week so far. A girl needs her sleep. Besides, my kids are still awake and they shouldn't be. They're having a hard time sleeping too.
Later
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
some days
Some days are just worse than others.
We all go through it, those days that seem as if everything is falling apart even though nothing specific is ailing us. Yesterday was one of those days.
I woke up OK, but while driving to work, it hit me. That gut wrenching, depressed feeling; enough to overwhelm anyone. That feeling that there is absolutely nothing to look forward to, what the hell am I here for anyway feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't contemplating suicide or anything. I did feel like crying for no damn reason. Usually I get that way after I stop taking my antidepressant for a day or two. I get to the point where anything minor will make me cry and then a day after that I start getting dizzy, really dizzy - similar to vertigo. However, I took my medication, hadn't missed a day in weeks.
I thought about what it was and came up with a few things. First, I think the stress with Larry is getting to me. I'm just tired. Tired of dealing.
The second thing, is my sister and her husband are having problems. My sister is my rock. Her happiness affects me in ways I can't even explain. When she isn't happy it seems my whole world is tilting in the wrong direction. I know it's weird but we are that close. I grew up with a mother, father, brother and sister. That's it. I had one grandma that lived in Kansas so we only got to see her once in a great while. I didn't have cousins, aunts, uncles - anything like that. The family that I do have left include my sister and my mom. My mom is 2 hours away. That leaves my sister. She has done so much for me in my life especially when it comes to my kids.
Lastly, that murder in Sauk Rapids had me bugging yesterday. I just had this eerie feeling and couldn't shake it. The lady that was killed may have been one of my customers at the store, I know her family anyway, and that just is a little to close to home. They said in the paper that the guy who killed her, her boyfriend or husband I'm assuming, had drug issues and mental illness. I kept thinking all day that, although I don't think he would cause he's not violent, Larry dabbles in the drugs and obviously is mentally ill. I kept thinking, 'What if Larry were to snap like that?' I just couldn't shake that fact that it isn't impossible. Kind of scary.
Finally, unrelated, maybe not....
I've had a couple of dreams now about the world coming to an end. Mostly it's just my kids and I trying to survive, fighting the chaos - the chaos being a little sketchy in the dreams.
I feel sensitive to the world around me, maybe it was the weather, looming storms around us.
Now I've just lost my damn mind. LOL
Today was better. Thankfully a lot better. I got a lot done at work, but I remained pretty quiet. So tomorrow, I'm hoping will be even better yet.
Well, I do feel better putting it in writing. Hopefully you had a good day too.
TA TA.
We all go through it, those days that seem as if everything is falling apart even though nothing specific is ailing us. Yesterday was one of those days.
I woke up OK, but while driving to work, it hit me. That gut wrenching, depressed feeling; enough to overwhelm anyone. That feeling that there is absolutely nothing to look forward to, what the hell am I here for anyway feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't contemplating suicide or anything. I did feel like crying for no damn reason. Usually I get that way after I stop taking my antidepressant for a day or two. I get to the point where anything minor will make me cry and then a day after that I start getting dizzy, really dizzy - similar to vertigo. However, I took my medication, hadn't missed a day in weeks.
I thought about what it was and came up with a few things. First, I think the stress with Larry is getting to me. I'm just tired. Tired of dealing.
The second thing, is my sister and her husband are having problems. My sister is my rock. Her happiness affects me in ways I can't even explain. When she isn't happy it seems my whole world is tilting in the wrong direction. I know it's weird but we are that close. I grew up with a mother, father, brother and sister. That's it. I had one grandma that lived in Kansas so we only got to see her once in a great while. I didn't have cousins, aunts, uncles - anything like that. The family that I do have left include my sister and my mom. My mom is 2 hours away. That leaves my sister. She has done so much for me in my life especially when it comes to my kids.
Lastly, that murder in Sauk Rapids had me bugging yesterday. I just had this eerie feeling and couldn't shake it. The lady that was killed may have been one of my customers at the store, I know her family anyway, and that just is a little to close to home. They said in the paper that the guy who killed her, her boyfriend or husband I'm assuming, had drug issues and mental illness. I kept thinking all day that, although I don't think he would cause he's not violent, Larry dabbles in the drugs and obviously is mentally ill. I kept thinking, 'What if Larry were to snap like that?' I just couldn't shake that fact that it isn't impossible. Kind of scary.
Finally, unrelated, maybe not....
I've had a couple of dreams now about the world coming to an end. Mostly it's just my kids and I trying to survive, fighting the chaos - the chaos being a little sketchy in the dreams.
I feel sensitive to the world around me, maybe it was the weather, looming storms around us.
Now I've just lost my damn mind. LOL
Today was better. Thankfully a lot better. I got a lot done at work, but I remained pretty quiet. So tomorrow, I'm hoping will be even better yet.
Well, I do feel better putting it in writing. Hopefully you had a good day too.
TA TA.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The Letter
I felt like writing Larry a letter. I'm not sure if I'll give it to him in it's current form. I'm not sure if he would even read it but I thought I'd share. Those of you (Whackly, Something Dirty, and Crapnasty) that know me, have heard all of this plenty of times, I'm sure. No surprises. Those of you that don't know me, well, I'm not sure if it'll be worth reading. That's for you to decide. Sorry it is so long. I had a hard time picking out the things I wanted to put in there - there is soooo much. 12 years worth. Here it goes:
Dear Larry,
I wasn’t sure where to start or what to write. I just knew I had to tell you how I feel. Since we can’t have a real conversation, I decided to put this in writing.
You know I love you, Larry, with all of my heart. It’s been twelve years now and I love you more now than I ever did. And I know you care about me. I do know that regardless of how we fight or don’t get along.
I wish things could be different but I know that they will never change. I guess it took me twelve years to figure that out. Our relationship has its up and downs. We are both there for the kids and we both love them greatly. I know that. I must say I am proud of how you have stepped up to the plate with keeping the kids after school and financially taking care of them as well. I knew you had it in you to do the right thing.
You’re a wonderful person, when you are sober and happy. Unfortunately, you haven’t been happy or sober very much lately. I know the kids get on your nerves and downright piss you off as they do the same to me. Every morning and every night I get to experience their moods, their independent ways. I wake them up every morning, make sure they eat, get dressed and on the bus, and then at night feed them and get them to bed. I know how much they fight and how needy they can be so I know your frustration. I live that too.
I also know that I am part of your unhappiness. One of the biggest issues is how clean the house is at any given point. Another issue is the dog. And yet another is my kindness in helping a friend out with the kids coming in the morning. My defense on these three issues you know: First, I don’t have the time nor the energy you have to clean the house like you do. I work the two jobs and am exhausted almost all of the time. The only time I have energy is in the mornings and I am limited on morning time. I already get up by 5:30am, often times earlier. Today will be 17 days working in a row without a full day off. By the time I do get a day off which is scheduled on Sunday, I will have worked 21 days in a row. I need to pick up Sunday because I need the money, so then I go beyond the 21 days. Why can’t you grasp or at least respect my time constraint?
Secondly, the issue with the dog, I have no defense for. Jarod, Jamea and myself, we love her and can’t bare to get rid of her. She is part of our family whether you like it or not. That’s just the way it is.
Lastly, with the issue of my friends’ kids coming over in the morning, I’m sorry you feel that way. You know she is one of my best friends and we’ve known each other for a long time now. She’s always there for me and she doesn’t judge me on decisions I make in life. She is a true friend. Unlike your friends, she doesn’t feed me alcohol and wouldn’t let me drink because she knows that I shouldn’t. Those are the friends that I choose in my life and those are the people I’m going to help out come hell or high water. They are part of my family also. I am a kind person. I know the struggle that she faces with her job and trying to handle the kids on her own, without the extra funds to make her life situation perfect. Because I empathize and because I know she would do the same for me if I needed her to, I am there for her. That’s how I grew up. My dad was a giver till the day he died. He was the chairman of the Salvation Army for almost 20 years, he opened our home to transients passing through for help. That’s who I learned from. I’m sorry you hate that part of me soooo much. I love that part of me. I’m proud of that part of me and no matter what you say or do, that part is going to stay, take it or leave it. All I ask is that you DO NOT put me, my friends or their children down because we aren’t just like you. You have a right to not be that way. That is fine. We don’t live together and I don’t tell you how to run your household.
I’m on the fence of life right now. I don’t know which side to choose. On one hand, I love you and respect you for all of the wonderful things you possess. On the other, and you know the deal, there are a couple of things I’m not sure I’m going to deal with any longer. The drugs and the constant prowl you are on sickens me. I remember how angry and just sick I used to get when you would get high on the drugs. I’m not talking about the beer or even the marijuana. I’m talking about the hard shit you do that makes you look, sound, and just plain act retarded. To this day it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach each and every time you do that, which by the way has been way too often recently. I have grown up a little since the beginning of our relationship so the anger I can control. I don’t feel a need to beat you down, I just don’t want to be around you or talk to you when you’re high. It hurts too much. It angers me when you deny it also. I always tell you I know you better than you know yourself. I can tell when you haven’t yet but are going to get high. I can tell from a mile away when you are high just by the way you carry yourself. I can hear it in your voice and in the words you use. I can tell when you are hiding something. I can almost read your mind. I know you know that too, but you won’t admit that either. The part that angers me the most: I told you a long time ago after we had the kids that the minimum I ask is that you do not do those drugs or be under the influence of those drugs around our kids. Although, I trust you completely with the kids, I know you have went back on your word and used either before they arrived or while they were there. More than anything that makes me want to cry. How dare you? I know what an addiction is. I know how it sucks to want something that you shouldn’t have. You know better than anyone how sick I was, how much I would drink, how angry I would get when it came to my alcohol. I admit my wrong doing in life when it comes to the kids. I drank around the kids for years. I know what it’s like, I live with addiction every day also. I want to drink. Every morsel of my being wants to be drunk again. I want to feel that high and go back to those times when I could join my friends in a drink or many. Unlike yourself, I am sober because I want to be sober more than I want to drink. My kids, my friends, and my family are more important to me than the booze. From my heart and soul I chose my family and friends as #1 on my priority list. The alcohol had to go. That’s where you and I differ.
You think you have this right to do what you want to. I have news for you – you don’t. Your kids are people and they deserve your respect and admiration. They have the right to a sober father who doesn’t yell at them every second of every day because they aren’t perfect. You don’t have the right to make them feel worthless. You don’t have the right to strip them of their confidence, make them feel stupid and call them horrible names. I can’t take it any more. I just can’t, especially for Jarod’s sake. It breaks my heart sometimes to hear him talk about you. It breaks my heart to know that you may hold the key to his happiness and success, yet you don’t listen, you don’t take it seriously. You haven’t even tried to change the way you treat him. I told you the things he has said about having a father. “I want a new Dad.” “Daddy thinks I’m stupid.” He asks me, “Why did you pick him?” with the him being YOU, Larry. Doesn’t that tell you something? Are you not concerned at all?
I have been thinking a lot about these things. I think about how hard it would be to leave because I do care about you so much. I think about all of the good times and the good parts about you that I still, to this day, adore. Yet I’m still leaning the other way. Every day that goes by I get closer and closer to being ready to move on. What I want out of life and what you want are different. I want to share, you want things without having to give of yourself much. I’m not just talking about money. You aren’t a caring person. You act like it but that is only to get what you want. All of those times when I used to drink, get drunk and pass out you would take advantage of me. You hurt my soul more than you know. I don’t want to live that way any more. I want to come home from a hard day of work and have a man give me a hug just because he cares and adores me that way. Without expecting sex right then and there. You’ve never been able to give me that support, that kind of love. We can’t cuddle, and I can’t even get close to you without having to fight about sex. It’s not fair. I don’t turn on and off like a light switch. I understand you may, but a little control sometimes would have been nice. Yeah, it is nice to be ‘wanted’ like that, but all of the time isn’t so nice. Is that all you want from me? That’s all that matters to you in our relationship? That’s how that makes a woman feel.
I want to share the hard times with someone. Truly together; not apart like we do. My problems are my problems and yours are yours. We don’t talk about it, nor do we make decisions together. We can’t have a meaningful conversation, ever. I’m tired of feeling alone even when you’re around. If I’m with someone, I don’t want to feel like running away or hiding under the covers because I’m afraid to move and make them mad because I don’t want them to start taking it out on the kids. I’m tired of living that way.
Finally, I’ve been thinking a lot about life and how fast it’s passing us by. The kids are getting so big and I don’t want to miss a minute. I feel like my energy is wasted sometimes on dealing with our problems that I can’t focus on them. How I feel affects how they feel. How they feel affects me. A lot of our unhappiness stems from our relationship with you. I know that sounds harsh. It is harsh. It hurts. I don’t want to feel that way but I do. Ignoring it doesn’t help. I’ve done that for a long time. So long in fact I feel numb. The things that would drive other women crazy just make me shrug my shoulders and think about what I really want out of life. I don’t tell you how I feel anymore because you don’t listen. I’m tired of being ignored. I enter my own little world and imagine finding someone else that can give me the things I need. Although, I haven’t been with anyone else, sometimes I wish I could be. It’s not fair to either of us. I also know you have been or are messing around with other people; or at least trying to. Of course you will deny that too, but I know the truth. Every ounce of me knows that you are needing something else, whether it be sexual and/or emotional in nature. I will never know exactly what because you will never reveal any real emotions or truth in your life. You truly are SOLO.
I’m not sure how you’ll take this. I’m not sure if you’ll even read this. If you do, I apologize for hurting you in any way. Hurting you is not my intention. It never has been and it never will be. I can’t imagine life without you in it. If something ever happened to you and God forbid you were to leave this world, I would be crushed. That would be the case whether we ended our life together or not. You have been my world for so long. Together we have made 2 beautiful children, whom I wouldn’t trade for the world.
When I hear people ask, “What are you’re regrets?” I have none when it comes to you. It just is what it is and we have to do what is right for the kids and ourselves.
With love,
Jamie
Monday, April 23, 2007
Speaking of.....
I ranted and raved already about self help and thinking positively on Jerry the Turtle: http://jerrytheturtle.blogspot.com/
Here is the link where you can view the full length movie for $4.95 each view. If you're just curious you might want to do this first. It's only $5. I haven't seen it. Not something I've wanted to do. Maybe someday.
I imagine it's probably helpful, but not really the answer to everything. How can any one thing be the secret to everything?
It can't.
Kind of related: My favorite saying nowadays, "Perception is reality". Simple, yet difficult to grasp sometimes.
Here is the link where you can view the full length movie for $4.95 each view. If you're just curious you might want to do this first. It's only $5. I haven't seen it. Not something I've wanted to do. Maybe someday.
I imagine it's probably helpful, but not really the answer to everything. How can any one thing be the secret to everything?
It can't.
Kind of related: My favorite saying nowadays, "Perception is reality". Simple, yet difficult to grasp sometimes.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The extent of my gaming
Atari - #13 on the top 50 best tech gadgets according to PC World.
Now I don't know to what extent I should trust this publication, but considering my knowledge, anything is probably better than nothing.
Just that word, and looking at a picuter of an ATARI brings back memories. My favorite game, as sad as it is, I forgot the name, where that little guy has to swing on a rope over this lake/pond and if he falls he gets eaten by alligators. Of course there was a little more to it but I loved that game. Pac-Man was so much easier on the joy sticks. All the games were actually. Kids these days just pick up on how to play these complicated games. How do they do it? I just can't get into it. I'm tired; that's all I've got for now.
Now I don't know to what extent I should trust this publication, but considering my knowledge, anything is probably better than nothing.
Just that word, and looking at a picuter of an ATARI brings back memories. My favorite game, as sad as it is, I forgot the name, where that little guy has to swing on a rope over this lake/pond and if he falls he gets eaten by alligators. Of course there was a little more to it but I loved that game. Pac-Man was so much easier on the joy sticks. All the games were actually. Kids these days just pick up on how to play these complicated games. How do they do it? I just can't get into it. I'm tired; that's all I've got for now.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Speaking of Dreams SD
What the hell? I dreamt that I had a horrible infestation of boxelder bugs in my house and you couldn't move without stepping on one or seeing one. I had to get out the vacuum and clean them up; there were these eggs, larger than the boxelders themselves that I had to suck up too. That's all I remember. Disgusting little creatures.
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