Work, work, work, work, work.

See how f'd up that looks? Try typing it over and over, pretty soon it doesn't look like a real word.

I love work at my job. I don't have anyone looking over my shoulder, not literally anyway. I hate work at home. Yes, I mean children. Hey you...you with kids, you know what I'm talkin about. Ugh. If God really knew what he was doing he would have made it harder to procreate. I'm probably not the worst Mom in the world, but I'm definitely not an award winner. For those of you without kids, kudos. I'm jealous, not envious, really jealous. My dumb ass had to have kids out of wedlock with dipship. I thought I was so smart when I was young. I got good grades, that's it...not an ounce of self respect, confidence, or common sense. Now that I'm older and of course a little wiser I see the err of my ways. Can I get a do-over?

Anyway, I still do dumb shit. I'm still talking to the "hanger upper". We hashed out our miscommunication. Not really sure what the hell I'm doing. Oh well, I'll figure it out eventually.

Right now, that's all my life consists of.

Oh yeah, it's been over 1 1/2 years y'all! Not a drop of alcohol. Oh boy though, what I wouldn't give for a guiltless, drunken, what the hell happened night. It's
f-itty ucked up to think that way, I know. My resolve is still strong, no worries.

Hope everyone who reads this is doing well. Down with those that don't.

Peace.

Of course life wouldn't be grand without baby's daddy drama. Dipshit (my name for my kids' father) has decided that he's mad at me so he's going to go to Chicago for a break. Fuck our arrangement for him to watch OUR kids while I WORK 2 JOBS!!! He doesn't work, gets free money and just can't handle being a babysitter for his own kids. Ok, so I understand the whole I need a break thing. Can't that be planned? I don't even care about what he does as long as it doesn't affect my work performance. We don't live together, have never been married and I'm supposed to stick around and just be happy with that? I don't think so. Sure, our dysfunctional relationship or lack there of is a sweet deal sometimes. He cleans my house, does my laundry, watches the kids etc... Meanwhile I work my you know what off. From the outside looking in it sounds great. I'm not that type of person. I want a partner. I want someone to back me up during the rough times, ya know? I don't want to struggle with money like I do because we can't live together, share the bills and the responsibilities. He says its because I smoke cigarettes. I don't necessarily want to live with him either cause he smokes his crack, yet somehow in his twisted, drug damaged mind, what he does isn't as bad. Ugh! I just want to scream. I know I can't just run away but I will sure be dreaming about it tonight.

It took a couple of days but by yesterday I was feeling pretty good; over the BS that had taken place over the weekend. My "give a damn is broken" (thanks to some country song) attitude finally started to kick into high gear. Life seemed optimistic once again. Then bam!!!
I check my account and see a picture of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh saying he's sorry; of course sent by the hanger upper. I was thrilled to get an apology but now I'm confused. I sent a picture of Buttercup from the PowerPuff Girls with a scowl on her face and arms crossed and wrote 'it's okay' above the picture. Wonder what he's thinking? I understand wanting to hang up on someone but, daaaaamn!! - you don't know me like that!!! Give a girl some warning at least.
Anyway that's where I'm at. Later.

boy trouble update

So he hasn't called or emailed me. He hasn't completely deleted me either. What the *!@* I know, I know, get over it your saying. Easier said than done. Things like this drive me crazy. Do I really email him and apologize? I'm almost afraid to know what he really thinks.
Anyway, besides the obsession with what happened, today was a pretty good day. I worked until 11am, slept on and off till 4pm, did some shopping and came home. I can't wait to get to work tomorrow to restore some normalcy to my life. I can get away from the kids without feeling guilty, be crazy busy so the day goes fast, and get paid all the while. I only got a .22 raise - kinda pissed. It's a little better than nothing, close to....horse shit. Oh well, all in due time I guess.