Some days just suck. Yesterday and especially today are two - right in a fricken row.
Yesterday, I was just so busy I didn't have time to breathe. I felt like I worked my ass off but didn't get anything accomplished.
Today was better as far as the workload is concerned but on a personal communication level it sucked. Someone was talked to and then afterward they were mad at me. I had no clue why. I've never said anything bad about that person at all. Ever. Seriously - nothing. I like her. What the F*** I'm thinking to myself. Now why they'd have to go say that and now it's like my fault or something. I didn't even know what the hell was going on until I asked someone else (my other kinda supervisor) "What the hell is going on". I used those words to as I laughed of course. She couldn't tell me any details, of course. Although my name and reputation with the people I work with are being drug through elephant dung, I can't know the details. WTF!~!!! It's just wrong. I told the pseudo supervisor that. I should at least know what is happening before the shit hits the fan. It's true, the shit doesn't spread evenly.
I'm kinda mad at that girl too. Grow up. If I'm demoted, and I kinda have been, I'm not gonna blame anyone else. I blame myself and wonder if there's something I can do to improve. Also if having things changed around a little helps everyone get more done, than that's good right? I guess I would be mad too, but not at the person sitting next to me cause she happens to work with certain people and take orders from certain people just like she does. Shit, if my name got brought up, too damn sorry, I wasn't there, ask me about it or get the F*** over it. Ya know?! Just frustrated.
I don't get paid to make friends I guess. I have plenty to do to keep me occupied.
That's about it.
And another pet peeve - DRIVERS WHO GET ON OTHER DRIVER'S ASSES - FUCKIN STOP IT DAMN IT!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A 100 CAR PILE UP CAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING RESPECT OTHER PEOPLES SPACE!!!!!! FO REAL THO!!!!!!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
next lifetime
Okay, in my next lifetime, assuming there is one, I am NOT having kids. No way, no how. I will heed the warning so given by my parents and others who already had children.
I love my kids, you know that. I just want peace and quiet in my next life, that's all. I want to sip my sugar and cream with coffee while reading the paper. I want to hear the birds singing in the morning and patiently appreciate the glimpse of sun shining in. I want to read and watch tv uninterrupted whenever I want, not just after the kids' bedtime. I want to be, oh sorry I already am - I mean stay an alcoholic. I want to go out whenever, drink, and not worry about home, the kids, bills, or their well-being. Shit I don't want to worry about my well-being. I don't want to hear Mommy, Mommy, Mommy in my next lifetime. Oh and I want all my money to be my money!!!! No school lunches, no help the kids with homework etc...
Okay, this sounds bad. I want my kids. I love them dearly. If anything happened to them life would cease to exist for me.
Right now I'm just craving a little time with no noise, by myself. I just want to relax, stoned, in a dark room with candles flickering, listening to some of my favorite tunes, a beer in my hand and more in the fridge, ice cold. Did I mention two words: by myself? You get the picture.
Yes, I know I'm bitching. What the hell is this thing blog for anyway? Isn't every conversation with everyone a bitch session...really? Think about it. There is always complaining. We're human. Selfish humans with nothing else on the brain but ourselves and what's good for us. If we didn't complain, we'd have nothing to talk about, laugh about, cry about etc.... It's the strive to do and be better that drives us to complain, bitch, if you will. Of course there's a limit. It's important how we complain also. Throwing a little humor in there helps. I'm not particularly funny, but I do like to laugh about the shit in my wheaties (thanks for that once whackly - still one of my favorites) once in a while. {A little better than horseshit - I use that one a lot.}
I'm rambling. It eases anxiety.
Lesson for today: DON'T HAVE KIDS, DRINK AND GET HIGH OFTEN, AND BITCH YOUR WAY TO A BETTER LIFE
ok now I'm done.
I love my kids, you know that. I just want peace and quiet in my next life, that's all. I want to sip my sugar and cream with coffee while reading the paper. I want to hear the birds singing in the morning and patiently appreciate the glimpse of sun shining in. I want to read and watch tv uninterrupted whenever I want, not just after the kids' bedtime. I want to be, oh sorry I already am - I mean stay an alcoholic. I want to go out whenever, drink, and not worry about home, the kids, bills, or their well-being. Shit I don't want to worry about my well-being. I don't want to hear Mommy, Mommy, Mommy in my next lifetime. Oh and I want all my money to be my money!!!! No school lunches, no help the kids with homework etc...
Okay, this sounds bad. I want my kids. I love them dearly. If anything happened to them life would cease to exist for me.
Right now I'm just craving a little time with no noise, by myself. I just want to relax, stoned, in a dark room with candles flickering, listening to some of my favorite tunes, a beer in my hand and more in the fridge, ice cold. Did I mention two words: by myself? You get the picture.
Yes, I know I'm bitching. What the hell is this thing blog for anyway? Isn't every conversation with everyone a bitch session...really? Think about it. There is always complaining. We're human. Selfish humans with nothing else on the brain but ourselves and what's good for us. If we didn't complain, we'd have nothing to talk about, laugh about, cry about etc.... It's the strive to do and be better that drives us to complain, bitch, if you will. Of course there's a limit. It's important how we complain also. Throwing a little humor in there helps. I'm not particularly funny, but I do like to laugh about the shit in my wheaties (thanks for that once whackly - still one of my favorites) once in a while. {A little better than horseshit - I use that one a lot.}
I'm rambling. It eases anxiety.
Lesson for today: DON'T HAVE KIDS, DRINK AND GET HIGH OFTEN, AND BITCH YOUR WAY TO A BETTER LIFE
ok now I'm done.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
bored
Once again I find myself with plenty to do, I just don't want to do any of it.
I have replaced alcohol with sleeping. It's not quite as fun as alcohol but it's just a different means to the same end - escape. I really don't want to sleep my life away. As I have been reminded recently that life really isn't that bad compared to other's. It is true. I do love living. I'm just not that good at it.
So we got through the Ipod shuffle incident. Larry went to the kids' school on Mon. morning last week and the principal found the ipod in my son's locker. I knew it had to be either here somewhere hidden or with one of my kids. I knew those other kids didn't take it. I told Larry but he just didn't believe me. He never does and then turns around and says "I should have listened to you." What the hell, after 11 1/2 years you think he'd figure that out by now, but of course, just like a man, he hasn't. Anyway now that we've successfully discovered the culprit, I can get on with other stuff.
I think I'm going to start my kids and probably myself with counseling of some sort. I went through my self exploration at treatment. I got to take time to really find out what I wanted in life and to think about life in a different way. Unfortunately, I didn't consider the kids and what they possibly were feeling. I've noticed them acting out a lot more just in the past few months. Maybe they need to talk to someone about stuff, ya know? If y'all know of any kids' shrinks let me know. I would never let them put the kids on medication though, I really don't believe in that crap. They're so little I don't see how any medication could be okay for them.
Another thing I am determined to do is to clean out my kids' rooms and take everything away. Start fresh, not toys, no games, nothing fun until they can learn to respect me and their father. Larry and I also need to work on that some more. Larry more than myself I have to say. I can be somewhat calm when talking to the kids/trying to explain stuff.
Well, Larry and I should be getting M'd the beginning of Dec. After that my income should increase considerably. I will be able to get back to school and finally finish. Since I'm so close I want to get my bachelor's degree in Bus Mgmt - HR focus. Them go on to get my accounting degree. I figured I should do that considering what my daily job consist of. It will make me a better employee. Of course I'll have many other options having those degrees. I can see how being mega rich could be a pain in the ass with people coming out of the woodwork. I just want to be comfortable. That's my goal. I've noticed that never seems to happen though. I'm always getting myself into a jam.
Baby steps I guess. We'll see how the next 6 mos. turn out and adjust the plan accordingly. It's like a football (or any sport) game. If the calls you're making aren't working, you adjust. I'm getting my ass kicked so far.
I have replaced alcohol with sleeping. It's not quite as fun as alcohol but it's just a different means to the same end - escape. I really don't want to sleep my life away. As I have been reminded recently that life really isn't that bad compared to other's. It is true. I do love living. I'm just not that good at it.
So we got through the Ipod shuffle incident. Larry went to the kids' school on Mon. morning last week and the principal found the ipod in my son's locker. I knew it had to be either here somewhere hidden or with one of my kids. I knew those other kids didn't take it. I told Larry but he just didn't believe me. He never does and then turns around and says "I should have listened to you." What the hell, after 11 1/2 years you think he'd figure that out by now, but of course, just like a man, he hasn't. Anyway now that we've successfully discovered the culprit, I can get on with other stuff.
I think I'm going to start my kids and probably myself with counseling of some sort. I went through my self exploration at treatment. I got to take time to really find out what I wanted in life and to think about life in a different way. Unfortunately, I didn't consider the kids and what they possibly were feeling. I've noticed them acting out a lot more just in the past few months. Maybe they need to talk to someone about stuff, ya know? If y'all know of any kids' shrinks let me know. I would never let them put the kids on medication though, I really don't believe in that crap. They're so little I don't see how any medication could be okay for them.
Another thing I am determined to do is to clean out my kids' rooms and take everything away. Start fresh, not toys, no games, nothing fun until they can learn to respect me and their father. Larry and I also need to work on that some more. Larry more than myself I have to say. I can be somewhat calm when talking to the kids/trying to explain stuff.
Well, Larry and I should be getting M'd the beginning of Dec. After that my income should increase considerably. I will be able to get back to school and finally finish. Since I'm so close I want to get my bachelor's degree in Bus Mgmt - HR focus. Them go on to get my accounting degree. I figured I should do that considering what my daily job consist of. It will make me a better employee. Of course I'll have many other options having those degrees. I can see how being mega rich could be a pain in the ass with people coming out of the woodwork. I just want to be comfortable. That's my goal. I've noticed that never seems to happen though. I'm always getting myself into a jam.
Baby steps I guess. We'll see how the next 6 mos. turn out and adjust the plan accordingly. It's like a football (or any sport) game. If the calls you're making aren't working, you adjust. I'm getting my ass kicked so far.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
shit, shit, shit
I'm hating right now. I hate those rich fuckers who never have to worry about money; how the bills get paid.
Anyway, yeah money issues still the same. I think I'm going to go through with the M thing. It's a business transaction. Plain and simple. A necessary evil, if you will. It wouldn't be a real marriage, ya know. Just a means to an end.
I read last night that Gerlad Levert died. He is by all-time favorite singer. Damn. What a waste of good talent. I loved his voice; could pick it out anywhere. And to boot, he was only 40 yrs old. RIP G, RIP.
I'm having a jewelry party on 11/21 - I have my guest list pretty much ready. I hope people will be there. It sucks to invite people and no one shows. It's downright embarrassing. My son had a birthday party a couple years ago, he invited about 6 kids, and only one showed up. I felt so bad for him, I actually cried. At least if no one shows, I'm an adult, I can say fuck off and mean it.
Anyway, that's all for now. Oh, a lotta shit going on with L. - lost his ipod shuffle @ my house, it's no where to be found, he thinks one of the 4 kids (2 of our own and 2 friends' kids) stole it. I'm not so sure. I think he misplaced it. Misplaced it where? That is the question. It really is no where to be found. I looked everywhere. Anyway I hope it shows up soon. I can't take the ranting and raving from him about it. SHUT UP ALREADY LARRY - I'm working on it - double ck to make sure the kids didn't take it. Blah, blah, blah you say. I know. I kinda feel that way writing this.
I know I'm obsessive compulsive with everything. I'm admitting that. I'm not a stalker but I can't stop thinking about this guy I like. I hate this. Why can't I just be a normal person, ya know? Drink when I want to - stop when I want to. Ya know stuff like that. Anyway that's really all this time.
Later
J.
Anyway, yeah money issues still the same. I think I'm going to go through with the M thing. It's a business transaction. Plain and simple. A necessary evil, if you will. It wouldn't be a real marriage, ya know. Just a means to an end.
I read last night that Gerlad Levert died. He is by all-time favorite singer. Damn. What a waste of good talent. I loved his voice; could pick it out anywhere. And to boot, he was only 40 yrs old. RIP G, RIP.
I'm having a jewelry party on 11/21 - I have my guest list pretty much ready. I hope people will be there. It sucks to invite people and no one shows. It's downright embarrassing. My son had a birthday party a couple years ago, he invited about 6 kids, and only one showed up. I felt so bad for him, I actually cried. At least if no one shows, I'm an adult, I can say fuck off and mean it.
Anyway, that's all for now. Oh, a lotta shit going on with L. - lost his ipod shuffle @ my house, it's no where to be found, he thinks one of the 4 kids (2 of our own and 2 friends' kids) stole it. I'm not so sure. I think he misplaced it. Misplaced it where? That is the question. It really is no where to be found. I looked everywhere. Anyway I hope it shows up soon. I can't take the ranting and raving from him about it. SHUT UP ALREADY LARRY - I'm working on it - double ck to make sure the kids didn't take it. Blah, blah, blah you say. I know. I kinda feel that way writing this.
I know I'm obsessive compulsive with everything. I'm admitting that. I'm not a stalker but I can't stop thinking about this guy I like. I hate this. Why can't I just be a normal person, ya know? Drink when I want to - stop when I want to. Ya know stuff like that. Anyway that's really all this time.
Later
J.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Desperation
So, I'm acutally considering Marrying dipshit, L. I'll tell you why. If we get married that means I would get paid more monthly as part of his disability - without affecting his paycheck. Not just a little, a large amount.
Now I know what some of you are thinking, W.T.F ARE YOU DOING, JAMIE!!! I ask that myself a lot. It doesn't change the fact that I'm financially drowning without any way out. I can't do any more overtime at work. I can't work more at the part-time job until I pay my boss back for the loan from her. So I'm fucked. I have never been this close to losing my house, ever - even in my alcoholic days. This really makes me want to drink, ya know? One of the main reasons I don't drink is money troubles. Well, I have them anyway so what the hell. I just want to get caught up so I don't have to rob from Peter to pay Paul one week and then from Paul to pay Peter. That's the only way I can see the light. It would only be for a few years probably, or until I meet someone who understands me and my situation and who can deal with it. Who am I kidding, no man could deal with my situation. Ok so that's probably the problem with me. Damn it. At least I'm honest with people. I already told dipshit what we would be marrying for. He knows. My friend thinks I'm crazy cause she has found her FAITH and has this idea that marriage is somehow sacred. Screw that bullshit. You gotta do what you gotta do. I don't think marriage is the end all to be all. Americans fucked up what marriage is supposed to be anyway so don't point the finger. To each his own. I don't believe (totally) in the sanctity of marriage. It would take a hellofa man to change that about me. Also I would never change my last name. That's a deal breaker. My family name is as important to me as any man's is. I keep my last name, period, no discussion. Oh another thing, if we get married (I have told him) he doesn't own me any more than he does right now. He loved that comment.
Anyway, I'm sure this isn't what anyone who knows me was expecting. What can I say. Maybe I've lost my damn mind. I gotta go find it - maybe I'll get a new one.
Later
J.
Now I know what some of you are thinking, W.T.F ARE YOU DOING, JAMIE!!! I ask that myself a lot. It doesn't change the fact that I'm financially drowning without any way out. I can't do any more overtime at work. I can't work more at the part-time job until I pay my boss back for the loan from her. So I'm fucked. I have never been this close to losing my house, ever - even in my alcoholic days. This really makes me want to drink, ya know? One of the main reasons I don't drink is money troubles. Well, I have them anyway so what the hell. I just want to get caught up so I don't have to rob from Peter to pay Paul one week and then from Paul to pay Peter. That's the only way I can see the light. It would only be for a few years probably, or until I meet someone who understands me and my situation and who can deal with it. Who am I kidding, no man could deal with my situation. Ok so that's probably the problem with me. Damn it. At least I'm honest with people. I already told dipshit what we would be marrying for. He knows. My friend thinks I'm crazy cause she has found her FAITH and has this idea that marriage is somehow sacred. Screw that bullshit. You gotta do what you gotta do. I don't think marriage is the end all to be all. Americans fucked up what marriage is supposed to be anyway so don't point the finger. To each his own. I don't believe (totally) in the sanctity of marriage. It would take a hellofa man to change that about me. Also I would never change my last name. That's a deal breaker. My family name is as important to me as any man's is. I keep my last name, period, no discussion. Oh another thing, if we get married (I have told him) he doesn't own me any more than he does right now. He loved that comment.
Anyway, I'm sure this isn't what anyone who knows me was expecting. What can I say. Maybe I've lost my damn mind. I gotta go find it - maybe I'll get a new one.
Later
J.
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