self destruction

All this time I'm afraid of being hurt by other people when really I should be afraid of myself. It's funny how we do things without knowing what we're doing all the while thinking we are right. Maybe I am crazy, or psycho. I don't know. I've always thought I was pretty good about admitting when I was wrong and changing the wrong behavior, but now I realize I'm not as well rounded as I thought I was. It sucks to admit wrongdoing, in action or in words. Anyway, I did apologize, but not without the attitude. wtf. I can't figure out why I am so angry. I'm angry at the world right now at this very moment. Actually, I think I'm angry at myself, just taking it out on those unfortunate enough to be in my world.

I'm hurt, but it comes out as anger, a way to protect myself; how I have always protected myself. Now that I don't drink, I don't know how to handle the hurt I feel inside from many years of self destruction. I think I love myself, but why then do I question if I do? If I don't love myself, how can I love anyone else like they deserve to be loved? Why do I want things I can't have, knowing I can't have them? Is it a challenge to me? Is it security knowing that I will only get so far and then have an excuse to give up? These are the questions that I am asking myself. I thought I knew the answers, but obviously I don't.

I'm probably being a little too hard on myself. Maybe not hard enough? I'm a short-term thinker. I want now what I can get now. My patience has been ripped from me over the years, the alcohol abuse, the kids, Larry. I don't have any patience left. I'm tired of waiting.

I think I'm gonna go eat something and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. All I can do is give life a try again tomorrow.

Later