All this time I'm afraid of being hurt by other people when really I should be afraid of myself. It's funny how we do things without knowing what we're doing all the while thinking we are right. Maybe I am crazy, or psycho. I don't know. I've always thought I was pretty good about admitting when I was wrong and changing the wrong behavior, but now I realize I'm not as well rounded as I thought I was. It sucks to admit wrongdoing, in action or in words. Anyway, I did apologize, but not without the attitude. wtf. I can't figure out why I am so angry. I'm angry at the world right now at this very moment. Actually, I think I'm angry at myself, just taking it out on those unfortunate enough to be in my world.
I'm hurt, but it comes out as anger, a way to protect myself; how I have always protected myself. Now that I don't drink, I don't know how to handle the hurt I feel inside from many years of self destruction. I think I love myself, but why then do I question if I do? If I don't love myself, how can I love anyone else like they deserve to be loved? Why do I want things I can't have, knowing I can't have them? Is it a challenge to me? Is it security knowing that I will only get so far and then have an excuse to give up? These are the questions that I am asking myself. I thought I knew the answers, but obviously I don't.
I'm probably being a little too hard on myself. Maybe not hard enough? I'm a short-term thinker. I want now what I can get now. My patience has been ripped from me over the years, the alcohol abuse, the kids, Larry. I don't have any patience left. I'm tired of waiting.
I think I'm gonna go eat something and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. All I can do is give life a try again tomorrow.
Later
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2 comments:
I don't think are too hard on yourself. I think you might have some unrealistic expectations from relationships and maybe aren't exactly sure what you want out of a relationship yet. You have to do what's good for you in the long term, not just what feels good in the immediate moment or what you can use rationalizations to force from the desire column into the need column. Objectivity is not something that any of us is good at but I think that's what you need. You could use a good look at yourself from the outside. You are who you are and you've been through what you've been through but have you hit your plateau? Have you pulled yourself up out of the bottle and away from the poisonous relationships and decided that's the destination or do you feel like you are finally free enough to take the journey and the destination is still somewhere in the future? Are you on your way to becoming the person you wish you were when you look in the mirror or are you that person already?
i believe you know the answer to every rhetorical question you asked in there.
ultimately we are responsible for ourselves.
which is hard when we'd like to blame anyone and everyone else for our lives.
but if you don't like where you're at or what you're doing, change it. otherwise it/you will stay the same.
turns out, it's a hard knock life for everyone.
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