hating it here

Ok, so I'm starting to hate living in this fucking trailer park. I love my house. I can stand my neighbors to an extent. I hate management though. Soooo fuckin picky. Like I have all day like some of these losers around here to make my yard 'pretty and perfect'. Fuck that. I work 2 damn jobs and I'm fucking tired!!!!! What a bitch. Ok, so the rocks by the curb, I understand - those were picked up. The grass, well, it was their fucking sod that went bad. It was too fucking hot with no rain for the first 2 years after the sod was laid. You can only water every other day during the summer. I'll be damned if I'm gonna stay up all night or get up way early to go out and water. Fuck them. They can come over and water, shit it ain't my land, I rent it. They can fuckin do it themselves. Shit. I'm in a really foul mood after getting that notice. Fuck them!!! And another thing, those other fuckers around here who keep their kids' bikes, etc....out on the lawn better have received a fucking notice to. Shit I keep my yard in ok condition, put the bikes at least on the porch so no one can even see them. What the fuck is she talking about!!!??? Oh, I'm fucking pissed. I'm glad, I'm not actually talking to someone right now otherwise I'd be embarassed afterward for swearing so much. JEEEEEEEEEZ - I'M SOOOOOO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW I WANNA BREAK SOMETHING!!!! ARG!!!!

Then dipshit being here isn't helping. He throws a fucking fit like a fucking two year old and it's driving me absolutely insane. Grow the fuck up already. He's fifty acting like he's two. Yelling at everyone cause of nothing. "do this", "do that", "don't", "do". Pissing me the fuck off as if I need someone to help me with that right now. I get so mad when he does that I have to remind him that I'm not his kid and to stop acting like I am. Ooooohhhhhh I get sooo mad when he does that. Oh you guys are so fuckin lucky right now that you don't have to be around me.

Ok, so I feel a little better. I think it's time to go outside, smoke a cigarette, or two, fuck I may even just chain smoke for a while.

These are the times I wish I could drink. Fuck the world. The world ain't done shit for me what the fuck should I care for??? Ok, my kids I know, I know.

I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna smoke my cigarettes and have a little meditation time.

Ta Ta for now. Hopefully I look back and read this and learn something. Maybe not. Who the hell knows right now.

Tomorrow

So today is tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow.

Things are much better as predicted. They always do get better.

I heard that you make $10 more a week now giving plasma.

I feel a lot better, cold is finally going away, so I think I'm going to go back and start doing that again. I really do hate needles. Needlephobia. Thankfully it's not severe, I do dread it though. That one tiny prick just hurts like hell. I can give birth to a child but damn those needles. lol
Here's a link to the phobia list. It's pretty interesting.

http://www.phobialist.com/#A-

Anyway, besides the kids being needy unlike no other, things are okay.

I don't have a date for Tina's wedding. That's okay though, there will be a couple people there I know, so it shouldn't be so bad.

Anyway, time for bed. Yes I know it's early. Hey, it's been a long week so far. A girl needs her sleep. Besides, my kids are still awake and they shouldn't be. They're having a hard time sleeping too.

Later

some days

Some days are just worse than others.
We all go through it, those days that seem as if everything is falling apart even though nothing specific is ailing us. Yesterday was one of those days.

I woke up OK, but while driving to work, it hit me. That gut wrenching, depressed feeling; enough to overwhelm anyone. That feeling that there is absolutely nothing to look forward to, what the hell am I here for anyway feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't contemplating suicide or anything. I did feel like crying for no damn reason. Usually I get that way after I stop taking my antidepressant for a day or two. I get to the point where anything minor will make me cry and then a day after that I start getting dizzy, really dizzy - similar to vertigo. However, I took my medication, hadn't missed a day in weeks.

I thought about what it was and came up with a few things. First, I think the stress with Larry is getting to me. I'm just tired. Tired of dealing.
The second thing, is my sister and her husband are having problems. My sister is my rock. Her happiness affects me in ways I can't even explain. When she isn't happy it seems my whole world is tilting in the wrong direction. I know it's weird but we are that close. I grew up with a mother, father, brother and sister. That's it. I had one grandma that lived in Kansas so we only got to see her once in a great while. I didn't have cousins, aunts, uncles - anything like that. The family that I do have left include my sister and my mom. My mom is 2 hours away. That leaves my sister. She has done so much for me in my life especially when it comes to my kids.
Lastly, that murder in Sauk Rapids had me bugging yesterday. I just had this eerie feeling and couldn't shake it. The lady that was killed may have been one of my customers at the store, I know her family anyway, and that just is a little to close to home. They said in the paper that the guy who killed her, her boyfriend or husband I'm assuming, had drug issues and mental illness. I kept thinking all day that, although I don't think he would cause he's not violent, Larry dabbles in the drugs and obviously is mentally ill. I kept thinking, 'What if Larry were to snap like that?' I just couldn't shake that fact that it isn't impossible. Kind of scary.

Finally, unrelated, maybe not....
I've had a couple of dreams now about the world coming to an end. Mostly it's just my kids and I trying to survive, fighting the chaos - the chaos being a little sketchy in the dreams.
I feel sensitive to the world around me, maybe it was the weather, looming storms around us.
Now I've just lost my damn mind. LOL

Today was better. Thankfully a lot better. I got a lot done at work, but I remained pretty quiet. So tomorrow, I'm hoping will be even better yet.

Well, I do feel better putting it in writing. Hopefully you had a good day too.
TA TA.

The Letter

I felt like writing Larry a letter. I'm not sure if I'll give it to him in it's current form. I'm not sure if he would even read it but I thought I'd share. Those of you (Whackly, Something Dirty, and Crapnasty) that know me, have heard all of this plenty of times, I'm sure. No surprises. Those of you that don't know me, well, I'm not sure if it'll be worth reading. That's for you to decide. Sorry it is so long. I had a hard time picking out the things I wanted to put in there - there is soooo much. 12 years worth. Here it goes:

Dear Larry,

I wasn’t sure where to start or what to write. I just knew I had to tell you how I feel. Since we can’t have a real conversation, I decided to put this in writing.

You know I love you, Larry, with all of my heart. It’s been twelve years now and I love you more now than I ever did. And I know you care about me. I do know that regardless of how we fight or don’t get along.

I wish things could be different but I know that they will never change. I guess it took me twelve years to figure that out. Our relationship has its up and downs. We are both there for the kids and we both love them greatly. I know that. I must say I am proud of how you have stepped up to the plate with keeping the kids after school and financially taking care of them as well. I knew you had it in you to do the right thing.

You’re a wonderful person, when you are sober and happy. Unfortunately, you haven’t been happy or sober very much lately. I know the kids get on your nerves and downright piss you off as they do the same to me. Every morning and every night I get to experience their moods, their independent ways. I wake them up every morning, make sure they eat, get dressed and on the bus, and then at night feed them and get them to bed. I know how much they fight and how needy they can be so I know your frustration. I live that too.

I also know that I am part of your unhappiness. One of the biggest issues is how clean the house is at any given point. Another issue is the dog. And yet another is my kindness in helping a friend out with the kids coming in the morning. My defense on these three issues you know: First, I don’t have the time nor the energy you have to clean the house like you do. I work the two jobs and am exhausted almost all of the time. The only time I have energy is in the mornings and I am limited on morning time. I already get up by 5:30am, often times earlier. Today will be 17 days working in a row without a full day off. By the time I do get a day off which is scheduled on Sunday, I will have worked 21 days in a row. I need to pick up Sunday because I need the money, so then I go beyond the 21 days. Why can’t you grasp or at least respect my time constraint?

Secondly, the issue with the dog, I have no defense for. Jarod, Jamea and myself, we love her and can’t bare to get rid of her. She is part of our family whether you like it or not. That’s just the way it is.

Lastly, with the issue of my friends’ kids coming over in the morning, I’m sorry you feel that way. You know she is one of my best friends and we’ve known each other for a long time now. She’s always there for me and she doesn’t judge me on decisions I make in life. She is a true friend. Unlike your friends, she doesn’t feed me alcohol and wouldn’t let me drink because she knows that I shouldn’t. Those are the friends that I choose in my life and those are the people I’m going to help out come hell or high water. They are part of my family also. I am a kind person. I know the struggle that she faces with her job and trying to handle the kids on her own, without the extra funds to make her life situation perfect. Because I empathize and because I know she would do the same for me if I needed her to, I am there for her. That’s how I grew up. My dad was a giver till the day he died. He was the chairman of the Salvation Army for almost 20 years, he opened our home to transients passing through for help. That’s who I learned from. I’m sorry you hate that part of me soooo much. I love that part of me. I’m proud of that part of me and no matter what you say or do, that part is going to stay, take it or leave it. All I ask is that you DO NOT put me, my friends or their children down because we aren’t just like you. You have a right to not be that way. That is fine. We don’t live together and I don’t tell you how to run your household.

I’m on the fence of life right now. I don’t know which side to choose. On one hand, I love you and respect you for all of the wonderful things you possess. On the other, and you know the deal, there are a couple of things I’m not sure I’m going to deal with any longer. The drugs and the constant prowl you are on sickens me. I remember how angry and just sick I used to get when you would get high on the drugs. I’m not talking about the beer or even the marijuana. I’m talking about the hard shit you do that makes you look, sound, and just plain act retarded. To this day it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach each and every time you do that, which by the way has been way too often recently. I have grown up a little since the beginning of our relationship so the anger I can control. I don’t feel a need to beat you down, I just don’t want to be around you or talk to you when you’re high. It hurts too much. It angers me when you deny it also. I always tell you I know you better than you know yourself. I can tell when you haven’t yet but are going to get high. I can tell from a mile away when you are high just by the way you carry yourself. I can hear it in your voice and in the words you use. I can tell when you are hiding something. I can almost read your mind. I know you know that too, but you won’t admit that either. The part that angers me the most: I told you a long time ago after we had the kids that the minimum I ask is that you do not do those drugs or be under the influence of those drugs around our kids. Although, I trust you completely with the kids, I know you have went back on your word and used either before they arrived or while they were there. More than anything that makes me want to cry. How dare you? I know what an addiction is. I know how it sucks to want something that you shouldn’t have. You know better than anyone how sick I was, how much I would drink, how angry I would get when it came to my alcohol. I admit my wrong doing in life when it comes to the kids. I drank around the kids for years. I know what it’s like, I live with addiction every day also. I want to drink. Every morsel of my being wants to be drunk again. I want to feel that high and go back to those times when I could join my friends in a drink or many. Unlike yourself, I am sober because I want to be sober more than I want to drink. My kids, my friends, and my family are more important to me than the booze. From my heart and soul I chose my family and friends as #1 on my priority list. The alcohol had to go. That’s where you and I differ.

You think you have this right to do what you want to. I have news for you – you don’t. Your kids are people and they deserve your respect and admiration. They have the right to a sober father who doesn’t yell at them every second of every day because they aren’t perfect. You don’t have the right to make them feel worthless. You don’t have the right to strip them of their confidence, make them feel stupid and call them horrible names. I can’t take it any more. I just can’t, especially for Jarod’s sake. It breaks my heart sometimes to hear him talk about you. It breaks my heart to know that you may hold the key to his happiness and success, yet you don’t listen, you don’t take it seriously. You haven’t even tried to change the way you treat him. I told you the things he has said about having a father. “I want a new Dad.” “Daddy thinks I’m stupid.” He asks me, “Why did you pick him?” with the him being YOU, Larry. Doesn’t that tell you something? Are you not concerned at all?

I have been thinking a lot about these things. I think about how hard it would be to leave because I do care about you so much. I think about all of the good times and the good parts about you that I still, to this day, adore. Yet I’m still leaning the other way. Every day that goes by I get closer and closer to being ready to move on. What I want out of life and what you want are different. I want to share, you want things without having to give of yourself much. I’m not just talking about money. You aren’t a caring person. You act like it but that is only to get what you want. All of those times when I used to drink, get drunk and pass out you would take advantage of me. You hurt my soul more than you know. I don’t want to live that way any more. I want to come home from a hard day of work and have a man give me a hug just because he cares and adores me that way. Without expecting sex right then and there. You’ve never been able to give me that support, that kind of love. We can’t cuddle, and I can’t even get close to you without having to fight about sex. It’s not fair. I don’t turn on and off like a light switch. I understand you may, but a little control sometimes would have been nice. Yeah, it is nice to be ‘wanted’ like that, but all of the time isn’t so nice. Is that all you want from me? That’s all that matters to you in our relationship? That’s how that makes a woman feel.

I want to share the hard times with someone. Truly together; not apart like we do. My problems are my problems and yours are yours. We don’t talk about it, nor do we make decisions together. We can’t have a meaningful conversation, ever. I’m tired of feeling alone even when you’re around. If I’m with someone, I don’t want to feel like running away or hiding under the covers because I’m afraid to move and make them mad because I don’t want them to start taking it out on the kids. I’m tired of living that way.

Finally, I’ve been thinking a lot about life and how fast it’s passing us by. The kids are getting so big and I don’t want to miss a minute. I feel like my energy is wasted sometimes on dealing with our problems that I can’t focus on them. How I feel affects how they feel. How they feel affects me. A lot of our unhappiness stems from our relationship with you. I know that sounds harsh. It is harsh. It hurts. I don’t want to feel that way but I do. Ignoring it doesn’t help. I’ve done that for a long time. So long in fact I feel numb. The things that would drive other women crazy just make me shrug my shoulders and think about what I really want out of life. I don’t tell you how I feel anymore because you don’t listen. I’m tired of being ignored. I enter my own little world and imagine finding someone else that can give me the things I need. Although, I haven’t been with anyone else, sometimes I wish I could be. It’s not fair to either of us. I also know you have been or are messing around with other people; or at least trying to. Of course you will deny that too, but I know the truth. Every ounce of me knows that you are needing something else, whether it be sexual and/or emotional in nature. I will never know exactly what because you will never reveal any real emotions or truth in your life. You truly are SOLO.

I’m not sure how you’ll take this. I’m not sure if you’ll even read this. If you do, I apologize for hurting you in any way. Hurting you is not my intention. It never has been and it never will be. I can’t imagine life without you in it. If something ever happened to you and God forbid you were to leave this world, I would be crushed. That would be the case whether we ended our life together or not. You have been my world for so long. Together we have made 2 beautiful children, whom I wouldn’t trade for the world.

When I hear people ask, “What are you’re regrets?” I have none when it comes to you. It just is what it is and we have to do what is right for the kids and ourselves.

With love,

Jamie