I'ts been a week. Nothing exciting has been happening really. I lead a pretty boring life.
- Hanger upper and I are still talking.
- Work has been a little stressful
- 'Dipshit' is still...stressful
- The kids, well guess what? You got it! Stressful

Which one do I wanna talk about? hmmm. I pick work.

I love my job. I do a lot of different things, unfortunately none of them enough to master because I'm too busy doing too many different things. See the problem with that? I'm the type I want to know how to do everything right. Being rational, I know that's not possible. But at work you'd think I'd have something that I know how to do well. Ok, so I can answer the phone pretty well, I guess. How hard is it. All I have to say is good morning/afternoon, the business name, my name. Most of the time I get to correct the doll (thanks for that one dirty). The calls that are for me are billing questions or request for invoice copies. Nothing too exciting.
I love applying payments, credits etc.... I hate making the collection calls. It's okay, I guess. I don't get yelled at, at least. I talk to commercial customers mainly and in order for them to pay us they need to get paid from their customers, so they understand....it's just business. I have to take care of this account we call route delivery. It's very difficult to manage because of the volume and turn around so that I've had some struggles with it. I'm getting better at it though.
I'm in the process of becoming responsible for printing statements. I did this on my own for the first time on Wed. There were a couple mishaps, but all in all it went well. I was surprised. The main task that I deal with constantly is putting together the daily paperwork for all of our stores 16 in total. Most of the managers do a good job with their paperwork, but there are a couple that I just want to call and ask 'How many times do we have to ask you?' to do something a certain way. Some of them just don't give a shit - they keep their jobs regarless and their used to doing it a certain way - so their not going to change. Needless to say, I hate opening their envelopes.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm tired. it's 12:12 am and I have to get up at 4:30a to get ready for work, the other job.

Right now

It's Saturday night, I'm home with four children but I only have two. Hm. 2 of the four then must belong to someone else. Oh yes, I remember, I said ok to a sleepover. I'm such an idiot. Why can't I just be a dorky, mean Mom? OK, so I'm dorky, but I don't think I'm seen as the meanest. Both of their friends live across the street which is nice. At least if something happens home is just one punt away. They are at the age now where they entertain themselves, which is also a plus.

Bad part: No quiet evening for Mommy. I started out the evening out by telling the kids, no friends in the house today. They are smart children, I'll give them that. Slowly working the friends in without me knowing it and then because they are behaving so well, I let them stay. That turned into, "it's okay with her/his mom/dad." Okay so then I feel guilty. Just one of those things. I work at 5:30 in the morning and I have this feeling dipshit has permanently hibernated in the bedroom. He won't be of any assistance but then again he wouldn't anyway so it's probably best. Just the sound of his voices stresses me out. I think I'm allergic.

Anyway, I'm going to clean now and round up all of these crumb snatchers from outside.

I found the saying that will go on my stone, hopefully in the very distant future. Don't hate, I'm a realist.
Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face, or love in the eyes of a woman.
Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain
Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week
Take by bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil.

Give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you.

If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.

- Robert N. Test

Why 'On The Edge'?

Cause I am. Seriously. Financially, emotionally, mentally, you name it. I, like many Americans these days, am 1 paycheck away from despair. 1 paycheck away from homelessness, struggling to feed my children and teach them something I know nothing about: saving. Of course, I know what saving is. I know why we need to do it. They say to have at least 6 months of your house payment in savings. Did my parents teach me how? Hell no! My parents were so bad with money, I'm surprised I even have what I have. I can honestly say there are 2 things my parents gave me that keep me treading water: a strong work ethic and the importance of treating people kindly, with respect (I'd like to think I do this anyway). Oh yeah, I got me butt from my Mom, but that's not relevant to money. Well, yes, it could be... That's definitely another blog.

So I consistently owe more than I take in. I'm in the (red), big time. Larry is taking his sweet old time checking on insurance for the kids, meanwhile I'm paying $300 per month now on significantly less pay than at Astound. He barely pays me $300 for "child support" - what about all the other expenses? They didn't go away!!!! Shit, If I was still drinking, I would be homeless. Thank God for that at least!

I have some ideas. Some are just ideas, others can and probably will at some point be put into play.

Where can I get some easy money? My first thought, and most crazy, thus on the edge: prostitution. If I knew how (yes you have to know the right people) and felt good enough about my physical self, I probably would. Fuck the morals, no pun intended. I need money. Of course this option is just an idea, because I actually have morals, not enough confidence, and just don't think I could pull it off, literally. I really wouldn't want to anyway. Just a fleeting thought, 'damn it, that sounds so easy, I'm jealous of those that can do this'.

Next option: try to get a loan/refinance the house. Sell my soul to the devil, that is the bank, pay outrageous interest, and just get further into debt. Ok, as a last resort, maybe. I'll do anything, except the option above, to not do this.

Third and probably best option: Put an add in the paper offering babysitting/daycare services from 6pm-6am. It would technically be my 3rd job, at least it's at home. This I'm seriously considering.

Finally, I've thought about getting a roommate; of course someone single who scares children, so my kids will tone it down a little for fear of what could happen to them. Problems: home just wouldn't be home anymore; my daughter would be moving into my room with me, toys and all; finding someone we can trust to that extent-almost impossible.

All options, possible-not all so smart. Winning the lottery is definitely the best option.

What's a girl to do? So goes life. Nothing to do but keep plugging away. When I make the mistake of spending too much or not saving enough, there's always tomorrow. If there isn't a tomorrow, well, I'm dead and it just doesn't matter any more.

The tube.

I finally sat down for the first time in months and watched a movie. Literally it has been months since I've sat on the couch for more than, lets say 15 minutes, to watch tv. It just can't hold my attention. Besides, my children absolutely ruin tv viewing.

I watched Madea's Family Reunion. It wasn't as humorous as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, there were some hilarious parts, but there were also more serious moments than I had expected.

The one thing I came away thinking was..."I want to be Madea's type of disciplinarian." She put the smack down on pretty much everyone in her life, especially the children. You can't help but to want to be around her (character that is - yes I know that's a dude). I want to be in that family. How fun would that be? If you haven't seen it, you should. If you have and didn't like it, you should get checked.

From Each Day a New Beginning - Karen Casey

Laughter can cure a physical condition; it can and will positively affect an emotional illness as well. Laughter ushers in a new perspective which gives vent to a changed attitude toward any situation, any individual, is all-powerful.
A negative, critical attitude toward our financial situation, toward our boss, spouse, or children, determines how we feel moment by moment. In like manner, when we raise our sights, look at the world with lightness in our hearts, expecting to enjoy the day, the people, the activity, we'll succeed.
Choosing a humorous response, opting to laugh at our situation, at any point in time, keeps our personal power where it belongs - with ourselves.

I'm bored. I have plenty that I have to do. What I want to do just isn't possible at the moment. This is the story of my life. I try to want to do what needs to be done but it just isn't materializing.

Besides that, I think it's been too long...if you know what I mean. A little personal I know, but oh how it's the truth.

As far as the "boy" drama goes, well, the same I guess.

Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS. That's my new take on life. How can it be anything different?