Really, it does.
First, to clarify, I don't sleep around. A specific incident happened that completely made me come (no pun intended) to the realization that Size really does matter.
An ex-boyfriend, now friend for approximately 12 years, and I were hanging out. Because I've known him for so long and because I truly do care for him we feel comfortable with each other. Well, hm hm....stuff happened (not a lot-I'll explain that later) enough for me to be like "Damn! I don't remember it being that small!!!!" Of course I didn't say that out loud, I was thinking it though. From that moment on, L and I have been more intimate and I've actually appreciated it more. Maybe it's a little too much info, but hey I'm blogging, he's actually a very good lover.
Now, I didn't sleep with this friend of mine cause well, shall I say, I was a little turned off, a little shocked if you will. So, maybe size doesn't matter in the red zone, but hey in order to get there you gotta have the ball, right?
I guess I'm not completely attracted to the friend in the first place so that may have played a bigger role in the whole thing. Who knows. Am I wrong? Any thoughts? Besides my sins (don't hate), any thoughts?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The light at the end of the tunnel
I hope.
I went to county today to get help with rent/mortgage. I hope they help me. Not sure though. It's not like I live off of the government or anything. I ask for help once in a great while when I really need it. I have to have at least 50% of my disposable income going toward necessitites (house, elec, heat, food, gas to get to work-that's about it) Here's the kicker, I have to have SPENT over half my income on these things in order to get help. Okay, if I was spending over half my income on rent, I wouldn't be behind now would I? It's the other dump shit I got myself into. Yes, I got myself into it so I should get myself out. I hear you loud and clear. It's just not that easy. No detail on this I'm just too tired and need to go to sleep.
On a brighter, not so brighter note - Yah!!!! Saddam is going down, finally! Also, John Edwards running for Dem Nomination in 2008 - I'm happy for that. I like that guy. He reminds me a lot of Clinton. I still hope Hilary makes a run for it, but if not at least I've got John.
I went to county today to get help with rent/mortgage. I hope they help me. Not sure though. It's not like I live off of the government or anything. I ask for help once in a great while when I really need it. I have to have at least 50% of my disposable income going toward necessitites (house, elec, heat, food, gas to get to work-that's about it) Here's the kicker, I have to have SPENT over half my income on these things in order to get help. Okay, if I was spending over half my income on rent, I wouldn't be behind now would I? It's the other dump shit I got myself into. Yes, I got myself into it so I should get myself out. I hear you loud and clear. It's just not that easy. No detail on this I'm just too tired and need to go to sleep.
On a brighter, not so brighter note - Yah!!!! Saddam is going down, finally! Also, John Edwards running for Dem Nomination in 2008 - I'm happy for that. I like that guy. He reminds me a lot of Clinton. I still hope Hilary makes a run for it, but if not at least I've got John.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Giving
Well since it's that time of year, I'm in a very giving mood. I wish I had the means to ease someone else's financial burden. It's strange how that works. I barely have a pot to piss in and I have this tremendous urge to give. I know it's a result of empathy, actually puting yourself in someone else's shoes. Shit we share those shoes.
I guess I've never been ultra greedy. I've had moments but in the end I really don't want handouts. I usually try to give something in return for good deeds done in my interest. I don't know how to explain it. It's not just in relation to money either. Sometimes I hear stories about children being hurt, abused, abandoned and I just get that motherly urge to go kick that sunnabitches ass-or to give the kid (s) a hug and tell them they don't deserve that.
Then I get all teary eyed and start thinking about my own kids. Do they know, do they feel, that I love them? Do they really know how much I do? If that were my child.... God, how can people do some of the stuff they do to other people? I'm so sick of hearing about the fricken creeps in the world. Seriously, all child molesters and murderers should be fucking shot, after being castrated with no fucking pain medication. Fuck this lethal injection shit. I say torture those bastards.
Anyway enough ranting, I just get so angry when I think about all the kids out there right now that are suffering. I know I don't have a lot, but damn, I got love in my heart for my family and friends. If I were to die right now, I would be at peace with my life and how it played out. No regrets. Yes, corny, I know.
Hope everyone has a nice Christmas and New Year. And if you don't celebrate these holidays, well, too damn bad, Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. There take that.
I guess I've never been ultra greedy. I've had moments but in the end I really don't want handouts. I usually try to give something in return for good deeds done in my interest. I don't know how to explain it. It's not just in relation to money either. Sometimes I hear stories about children being hurt, abused, abandoned and I just get that motherly urge to go kick that sunnabitches ass-or to give the kid (s) a hug and tell them they don't deserve that.
Then I get all teary eyed and start thinking about my own kids. Do they know, do they feel, that I love them? Do they really know how much I do? If that were my child.... God, how can people do some of the stuff they do to other people? I'm so sick of hearing about the fricken creeps in the world. Seriously, all child molesters and murderers should be fucking shot, after being castrated with no fucking pain medication. Fuck this lethal injection shit. I say torture those bastards.
Anyway enough ranting, I just get so angry when I think about all the kids out there right now that are suffering. I know I don't have a lot, but damn, I got love in my heart for my family and friends. If I were to die right now, I would be at peace with my life and how it played out. No regrets. Yes, corny, I know.
Hope everyone has a nice Christmas and New Year. And if you don't celebrate these holidays, well, too damn bad, Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. There take that.
Monday, December 18, 2006
quotes
Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize.
Saul Bellow
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
Robert Byrne
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
Emma Goldman
It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen.
George MacDonald
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher
The United States brags about its political system, but the President says one thing during the election, something else when he takes office, something else at midterm and something else when he leaves.
Deng Xiaoping
Saul Bellow
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
Robert Byrne
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
Emma Goldman
It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen.
George MacDonald
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher
The United States brags about its political system, but the President says one thing during the election, something else when he takes office, something else at midterm and something else when he leaves.
Deng Xiaoping
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
football
FINALLY! I won the football pool at work last week and the week prior. At least I got my money back plus an extra $5. What a relief.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Ah
I just made and ate the best spaghetti ever. Made some garlic cheese bread - nummy. Now I'm full.
I have to work tomorrow which is great. I love working, I can't help it. I realized that fact today at none other than work. I love getting up at 4:30 in the morning. I love feeling like I accomplished a lot by 9am. I'm an addict by nature. I'm addicted to lots of stuff, some harmless and of course others not so great. I'm thankful I knew better when I was younger not to try the hard drugs. Life could have been so much worse for me. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be an addict. I would be a social drinker, capable of having a few and walking away. Oh to dream. I don't want to drink for the drink. I want to drink for mind altering purposes. I'm happy, just bored. Mind alteration can do wonders for the psyche. I think differently when I'm drinking. It's fun to think differently. It's fun to feel confident even though I'm at my worst. I've been thinking about getting high lately too. Damn it if I can't drink, I should get high. Of course the angel on my right shoulder tells me (not literally) to "Stop thinking that way you dumbass, of course you can't do that." Then the devil (again, not literally) tells me "just once - that's not your problem, never was, never will be." Of course I like what the devil tells me in this one instance. So I'm at a crossroad. Again, same thing as alcohol, I hate the actual act of getting high, I just want to be high. I want to feel calm, cool, and collect. Oh yeah, I wanna laugh my ass off at just about anything too. It could be overrated. I never got high without drinking. Hm. It could be I wouldn't like it without alcohol. I may never know. Ok I will never know. I just feel better talking about it. I don't have any now, don't have plans to get any so chill out. All is right in the Johnson household, well right for us.
I have a dysfuntional household:
Mommy works her ass off, Daddy doesn't. The children live with Mommy, who mostly hates Daddy. Mommy and Daddy are kind of together - if you ask Daddy, he says they are. If you ask Mommy, well, it all depends on how he's treating her. They don't live together, used to. They don't want to live together, can't stand each other. Daddy wants to get married, Mommy really doesn't want to get married, she just wants more money. She feels she deserves more from him after those first 7 years of hell. He'll never be able to repay his debt to her. They still sleep together and both seem to enjoy it. Go figure.
How's that for fucked up?
Finances still suck. I'm still working on getting back to where I want to be. It's bound to happen as I know everything gets better. It just does.
Larry's being decent lately. That also will change soon. Lucky streaks have to end I guess. Speaking of change, check it -
From my meditations book: "Each Day a New Beginning" By Karen Casey
December 9, 2006
Life is a process, one that is continuously changing. And with each change we are offered unexpected opportunities for growth. Change is what fosters our development as women. It encourages us to risk new behavior and may even result in some mistakes. Fortunately, no mistakes can seriously hinder us. In fact most mistakes give us an additional opportunity to learn.
Where we stand today is far removed from our position last year, or even last week. Each and every moment offers us new input that influences any decision from this moment forward. The process that we're participating in guarantees our growth as long as we reamain conscious of our opportunities and willingly respond to them. We can be glad that the life process is, in fact, never static, always moving, always inviting us to participate fully.
I have to work tomorrow which is great. I love working, I can't help it. I realized that fact today at none other than work. I love getting up at 4:30 in the morning. I love feeling like I accomplished a lot by 9am. I'm an addict by nature. I'm addicted to lots of stuff, some harmless and of course others not so great. I'm thankful I knew better when I was younger not to try the hard drugs. Life could have been so much worse for me. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be an addict. I would be a social drinker, capable of having a few and walking away. Oh to dream. I don't want to drink for the drink. I want to drink for mind altering purposes. I'm happy, just bored. Mind alteration can do wonders for the psyche. I think differently when I'm drinking. It's fun to think differently. It's fun to feel confident even though I'm at my worst. I've been thinking about getting high lately too. Damn it if I can't drink, I should get high. Of course the angel on my right shoulder tells me (not literally) to "Stop thinking that way you dumbass, of course you can't do that." Then the devil (again, not literally) tells me "just once - that's not your problem, never was, never will be." Of course I like what the devil tells me in this one instance. So I'm at a crossroad. Again, same thing as alcohol, I hate the actual act of getting high, I just want to be high. I want to feel calm, cool, and collect. Oh yeah, I wanna laugh my ass off at just about anything too. It could be overrated. I never got high without drinking. Hm. It could be I wouldn't like it without alcohol. I may never know. Ok I will never know. I just feel better talking about it. I don't have any now, don't have plans to get any so chill out. All is right in the Johnson household, well right for us.
I have a dysfuntional household:
Mommy works her ass off, Daddy doesn't. The children live with Mommy, who mostly hates Daddy. Mommy and Daddy are kind of together - if you ask Daddy, he says they are. If you ask Mommy, well, it all depends on how he's treating her. They don't live together, used to. They don't want to live together, can't stand each other. Daddy wants to get married, Mommy really doesn't want to get married, she just wants more money. She feels she deserves more from him after those first 7 years of hell. He'll never be able to repay his debt to her. They still sleep together and both seem to enjoy it. Go figure.
How's that for fucked up?
Finances still suck. I'm still working on getting back to where I want to be. It's bound to happen as I know everything gets better. It just does.
Larry's being decent lately. That also will change soon. Lucky streaks have to end I guess. Speaking of change, check it -
From my meditations book: "Each Day a New Beginning" By Karen Casey
December 9, 2006
Life is a process, one that is continuously changing. And with each change we are offered unexpected opportunities for growth. Change is what fosters our development as women. It encourages us to risk new behavior and may even result in some mistakes. Fortunately, no mistakes can seriously hinder us. In fact most mistakes give us an additional opportunity to learn.
Where we stand today is far removed from our position last year, or even last week. Each and every moment offers us new input that influences any decision from this moment forward. The process that we're participating in guarantees our growth as long as we reamain conscious of our opportunities and willingly respond to them. We can be glad that the life process is, in fact, never static, always moving, always inviting us to participate fully.
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