Ah

I just made and ate the best spaghetti ever. Made some garlic cheese bread - nummy. Now I'm full.

I have to work tomorrow which is great. I love working, I can't help it. I realized that fact today at none other than work. I love getting up at 4:30 in the morning. I love feeling like I accomplished a lot by 9am. I'm an addict by nature. I'm addicted to lots of stuff, some harmless and of course others not so great. I'm thankful I knew better when I was younger not to try the hard drugs. Life could have been so much worse for me. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be an addict. I would be a social drinker, capable of having a few and walking away. Oh to dream. I don't want to drink for the drink. I want to drink for mind altering purposes. I'm happy, just bored. Mind alteration can do wonders for the psyche. I think differently when I'm drinking. It's fun to think differently. It's fun to feel confident even though I'm at my worst. I've been thinking about getting high lately too. Damn it if I can't drink, I should get high. Of course the angel on my right shoulder tells me (not literally) to "Stop thinking that way you dumbass, of course you can't do that." Then the devil (again, not literally) tells me "just once - that's not your problem, never was, never will be." Of course I like what the devil tells me in this one instance. So I'm at a crossroad. Again, same thing as alcohol, I hate the actual act of getting high, I just want to be high. I want to feel calm, cool, and collect. Oh yeah, I wanna laugh my ass off at just about anything too. It could be overrated. I never got high without drinking. Hm. It could be I wouldn't like it without alcohol. I may never know. Ok I will never know. I just feel better talking about it. I don't have any now, don't have plans to get any so chill out. All is right in the Johnson household, well right for us.

I have a dysfuntional household:
Mommy works her ass off, Daddy doesn't. The children live with Mommy, who mostly hates Daddy. Mommy and Daddy are kind of together - if you ask Daddy, he says they are. If you ask Mommy, well, it all depends on how he's treating her. They don't live together, used to. They don't want to live together, can't stand each other. Daddy wants to get married, Mommy really doesn't want to get married, she just wants more money. She feels she deserves more from him after those first 7 years of hell. He'll never be able to repay his debt to her. They still sleep together and both seem to enjoy it. Go figure.

How's that for fucked up?

Finances still suck. I'm still working on getting back to where I want to be. It's bound to happen as I know everything gets better. It just does.

Larry's being decent lately. That also will change soon. Lucky streaks have to end I guess. Speaking of change, check it -

From my meditations book: "Each Day a New Beginning" By Karen Casey

December 9, 2006

Life is a process, one that is continuously changing. And with each change we are offered unexpected opportunities for growth. Change is what fosters our development as women. It encourages us to risk new behavior and may even result in some mistakes. Fortunately, no mistakes can seriously hinder us. In fact most mistakes give us an additional opportunity to learn.
Where we stand today is far removed from our position last year, or even last week. Each and every moment offers us new input that influences any decision from this moment forward. The process that we're participating in guarantees our growth as long as we reamain conscious of our opportunities and willingly respond to them. We can be glad that the life process is, in fact, never static, always moving, always inviting us to participate fully.