Break-up Follow-up

One word: crazy. That's it just fuckin crazy.

13 years, lotsa love, lotsa hate = CRAZY

idk. I love him, can't live with him, can live without him, at least I think I can, he won't leave me alone long enough to know.

He loves me, I really believe he feels that way. I've seen him cry once in 13 years up until 3 weeks ago, and now I've seen and heard him cry multiple times. What hurts the most, when he says "I just want my family back". Kills me. Absolutely, physically, breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart that he hurts. It breaks my heart to stay. This sucks, not as sweet as I thought it would be.

I don't wanna be the cold-hearted baby-mama, doing everything possible to hurt him. I just wanna chance at life, at something else: a future with a partner whose there for me, really there for me. No conditions: we live together, we die together. My problems are yours and yours are mine. If I'm losing the roof over my head, so are you. That's what I'm talking about. Fuck all the other bullshit.

That's something L. can't give me. He says, now, that he can. But I know, he isn't capable of that kind of sacrifice. His nickname back home was SOLO. He is truly solo.

I know that no one can love me like L does. I just know that. I also know that life will never be what I want with him. There is my dilemma: love... no responsibility...Responsibily, maybe not that type of love. Hm. It's a tough one. What would you choose? I shouldn't have to choose. That's where I get angry. They go together. That's what I'm looking for. Step the fuck up. Too late for L. Gave him 13 years worth of chances, what I have to offer, everything. I apologize when I do wrong. I've given him all I've got. I can't give anymore. I just can't.

I feel fucking guilty. This sucks. I hope this guilty feeling goes away sooner than later. The last time I had to break up with someone it was because he almost killed me. That was a lot easier.

Anyway...so the saga continues...

J